Impossible                                                                                              back

by Erin E.

          The breath of autumn came in strong. It seemed like only yesterday I was watching giddy children giggling as they splashed around in their kiddy pools, when I gazed at the scorching sun that was so bright it gouged into your eyes to look at. It turned slightly colder three weeks into September, and the trees were already changing. I remember watching the teenagers, walking as slowly as they could, trudging into the towering doors of the high school. I remember feeling nostalgic, even teary for a moment, as I reminisced about my past at this very school. A few friends were laughing, and pushing each other playfully as they ignored curious bystanders looking on. But most of all, I remember them. That girl, with sandy blond hair that curled around her biceps like a vine, and her blue eyes timidly peeking out from their cove underneath dark eyelashes and shiny crystals. And him, with light brown hair straight and smothered with hair gel, intense green eyes that were hard only on the surface, and a smile that was cocky yet deeper than all of the other jocks. They fit right into each other, like parallel jigsaw pieces, but they didn’t even notice how well they matched up. The guy was instantly greeted by various shouts, "Hey Jess!" and "See you at practice Jess!" All of a sudden, this girl runs into the wall. It comes out of nowhere, and before you realize what is happening, she is on the ground and holding her eye. She moans with pain, but people don’t even notice. They just step over her limp body. But this boy, he stops. He goes over to her and kneels to look in her eyes. “Are you okay?” he chuckles. She moves her hand and squints to make out his figure. “Yeah.... I’m fine. Thanks” she says, as he lends her his hand to pull her up. “No problem.” There is a beautiful silence between their shy bodies. She smiles, a painful and fearful smile. And he laughs again, reaching out to graze her eye. She winces, and instinctively reaches up to touch it. She bumps into his fingers, and after a few lingering moments, he pulls them away. “Sorry.... you should get that checked out.” She nods and looks at the ground. Suddenly she just leaves. Just bolts through the door and disappears into the swarm of people, and leaves him standing there, lusting after her like in some romance novel. A blind person could see their chemistry. You can feel his longing to touch her face again. You can sense the need to run his fingers through her hair and look deep into her eyes. As I watched them, so different from each other I knew immediately. I knew that no matter what happened, no matter who said otherwise, and no matter what words were spoken, it was them. They would have quite a journey these two. More turbulence and natural highs that are part of the teenage experience than others have had in all of their lifetime. Somehow it would happen, because although this destiny may not have been obvious to the untrained eye, it was clearer than the morning sky to me. There was not a doubt in my mind, not any self-guessing or second thoughts. It was fate. And now...... it was only a matter of when.

                             September 1-18                   April

          It was even more threatening than I thought it would be. Everyone so confident, seeming so secure within their cliques. As if already they had found their destiny for that year, and that the first couple weeks were the ones that determined their future. Too bad I missed it. I will say that I tried to persuade my father into coming earlier, but he said it couldn't be helped. That there was an unexpected mistake at his office, and it'd take a few weeks to fix before we could move. I have to be honest, that the house isn't what I.... expected. I was thinking it'd be something more modern, at least average. But, this? With dying plants on the house’s caved in, cement doorstep, with barely 2 stories (if you count the basement) and a stained door splattered with mud and graffiti. My dad told me not to be difficult, to try my best to think positive, but this was even less than the lowest. I glanced over at him in disbelief, expecting him to say "Just kidding! I got you good didn't I?!" But when there was silence, a desperate whine squeaked from my throat. My dad put his hand on my shoulder apologetically. "I know hon, I know. But it's the best we can do right now. It was the closest to the school, and it fits in our budget. Maybe once my job kicks off, we can get something better.” Once your job kicks off, right Dad. But as much as I didn’t want to face it, I had to accept the fact that I had to get on unpacking what I can for tonight. I had to start school the very next day, but I guess that comes with the territory when your a newbie to a school like mine.

                             September 1-18                   Jess

          It really wasn't a big deal when I had to wake up early in the morning on the first day of school, when I was so used to staying up until sunrise playing video games. Or when I had to spend 35 minutes on my hair because the blow drier had a strong disliking for me and decided to take an early retirement. But I remember walking in to the school, and my whole view of people had changed since last year. I saw a couple of guys from my baseball team sitting on the cement walls guarding the flower bed. And I couldn't admit this to anyone else, but when I saw Olivia I did my best to disappear into thin air. But that girl has greater powers, and she greets me with a loud smack on the cheek. "Hey Jess. I missed you!" she giggled. "Hi Olivia. Did you have a good summer?" I ask dully, shrugging more than my bag off my shoulder. She seems not to notice and tries to whisper seductively like they do in the movies. "It was okay. But not as good without you. I wish you didn't go to Arizona over the summer. I was awfully lonely." “Hey, I got to jet. I have homeroom in a couple minutes, and I have to check to see if my sweatshirt is in the lost-and-found from last year. See you later" I mutter and left her standing there lost and confused.

                   September 30-October 11          April

          All right, so there is this guy. I know what it may seem like, but I am a teenage girl, and who am I to disprove the stereotype that girls are boy-crazy?! He's in my history class, and he’s tall. I don't know his name yet because he sits in the back, so I can’t look onto his binder or a paper to find out, but I think it might be Jess. During roll call, when the teacher said the name, he grunted. But Mr. Duveau doesn't expect us to reply when he says our name, so it could just as well have been an involuntary clearing of the throat. Anyway, other than that, not much news. The house hasn't had a magical makeover overnight (so to speak) and no one has appeared at least a little bit welcoming yet. There was this girl, named Ashley and she asked to borrow my pen the other day. Pathetically, that's the closest I've gotten to friendly contact. I have however developed a passion for art. I was in art class, and the teacher came over, surveyed my structure, and gave a accepting nod. "Good job April. I see promise" he said roughly, and although I wasn't sure if he was talking about the piece or me, I have since been working diligently on drawing and stuff to get even better. People are already prepping for the winter formal, even though it's in December. I probably won't go unless some miracle happens and I become desirable to talk to. It doesn't snow here, and I know I'll miss it when the time comes around. There has never been a Christmas that I can remember that hasn’t been snowy. But you never know right? There is always a chance..... right?

                             September 30-October 11          Jess

          I wish I took a class other than English. An extra math class, home economics, even history, ANYTHING! My English teacher, Mr. Yamine has it out for me, I swear. Already he's given us 2 pop quizzes, and everyone knows English is not my thing. So I got a C- and a D. Big deal! But I guess it is to Mr. Yamine. He's seriously on my back, and is even threatening to go to my baseball coach if my grades don't improve. I tried to speak to the assistant principal, but he said it wasn’t possible to transfer. "Hey Jess. I heard that you're having trouble in English. I could tutor you if you want" Olivia offered, and I had to stifle a laugh. "Olivia, you suck at English too. Don't kid yourself.” "Yeah I guess you’re right, I just wanted to help. You really love it don't you?" she asked, meaning baseball as she watched me study the practice of the freshmen. "Yeah, I think I'd die if I had to give it up. Sports are my life. It's really my only chance of getting a scholarship too, which I need if I’m going to go to college." I get up to head to the changing room. "Call me tonight?!" Olivia pleaded, not asked, but begged. "Sorry, I imagine I'll be getting back late from practice, plus I have tons of homework I need to catch up on. They’re really throwing it at us this year, earlier and heavier than ever. I'll see you tomorrow I guess.” "All right. See you then" she says, and sulks to her car.

                   October 17-24                      April

          The guy's name is Martin by the way. But it doesn't matter anymore. I found out in the locker room that he's going out with some girl named Hayden. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was because of him too by the way, so I've officially moved on. I was casually watching him from over my shoulder, and he was sketching his name into the desk with his pencil. He’s really getting into it to, his eyes drilling in on the letters. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t seem to look away, until some of the first words spoken to me from a peer at school were uttered. "You like him don't you?" asked a tall girl, with a shrunken jacket and an even smaller skirt. "Excuse me?!" I reply stunned, for more than just the fact that someone is talking to me, that someone noticed me. "You heard me. I've been watching you. You've been staring at him for a week now. Are you going to go for it?" she prods, and I raise my eyebrow. "Go for it? Not to be rude or anything, but you want me to tell you the details of my feelings and you haven't even told me your name?" I asked. She just laughed. "Fine, I guess you could have a point. I'm Jesal. Now, answer my question. Are you into him or not?" She seems innocent enough, but it does seem a little peculiar that someone cares about who I like when they don't even know my name. "Sure, okay I like him. So what? He's going out with someone, and I don't even know him" I assured her, fiddling with my pencil. "Hey Martin! Get over here" she suddenly yelled, and he looks up surprised. He looked at me and then back at Jesal, and reluctantly got up from his seat and trudged over. "Jesal! What are you doing?!" I hissed, but she ignored my plea. "Martin, this is.....” "April. My name is April" I squeak, and he shrugs, as if thinking, Why do I care?. "She's new here, right? Well she doesn't know anyone here and I just am introducing her to people. So Martin, April. April, this is my stepbrother Martin" she smirked and I suddenly felt like I am 2 feet tall. "Whatever" he gruffly said, quickly returning to his seat. Jesal smiled sneakily and patted my shoulder. "A word of advice? Don't go for it. Just giving you inside information because I live with him, and he's a moron. Don't waste your time.” I rested my head on my clenched fist, feeling like the stupidest person alive. Note to self; next time you are revealing information you don’t want the whole school to know, find out who the person is you're confessing to.

                             October 17-24            Jess

                   My friend Jack is throwing a Halloween party this weekend. I probably am going to feel pressured to go, and we'll end up talking about last night's basketball game on cable or who the latest guy Ashley Wollar is going with. Usually at the end, at least a dozen people stumble home drunk, and the remaining majority decide to leave early. "Hey Jack, I don't know if I'll be able to make it this weekend. I have homework and stuff, you know how it is and...." I embellish later on in the week, and Jack just gives a hearty laugh. "Ah Jess my man, ditch it! School's for losers anyway. My party is going to be tons better" he assures me slinging his arm around my shoulder. "I really don't think I'll be able to make it man. I'm behind in English, you know that, and I can't risk being kicked off the team just to go to your annual Halloween bash. I'm sorry" I insist, lowering my eyes to pretend that I'm somehow fascinated by the tile of the school floor. Jack sighs, and nods giving a solemn pat on my back. "Okay dude, if you can't break the plans, I understand. But the invite is still open if you change your mind. See you at practice tonight" he grunts, lumbering off to go hit on the closest girl away from him. I shake my head and chuckle secretly, twisting my lock and grabbing my books. I don't think I'm going to change my mind Jack, I think to myself while strolling down the halls. I have a date with the gym, and it's looking pretty appealing now in comparison.

                             October 31-November 5              April

          Halloween was.... eventful to say the least. Socially, things have improved as an understatement. Sharing a kiss with a guy definitely qualifies as social contact..... right? Well, I'll start with the whole night, beginning with my preparation for the legendary Halloween party of Jack McGowen. Jack is a huge sports star, and he's well known for his passionate love of baseball and girls. Every year he throws this huge bash, with kegs waiting obediently even before you enter the door. For weeks after nobody talks about anything but, and from the chatter I heard about it, I already gathered it'd be a lot different from the parties I went to back home. "Hey Dad, there is a Halloween thing tonight at a... friend's" I slowly say, quickly deciding that I hadn't phrased the statement completely honest. My dad looks surprised as he pours his cereal into one of the few bowls we have, but tries to remain open-minded. "That's nice April. Who is this friend?" he asks as casually as he can. I sigh pretending to be irritated, and he gives me an innocent shrug. "His name is Jack, Dad. He hasn't been arrested either....." I sneakily say, biting my lip. ".... That I know of." My dad (as expected) looks at me protectively, and I immediately burst out in laughter. "I'm just kidding. Mind if I use the car?" "Sure. Just be careful. It's a precious truck, and I'd hate to lose it in some accident or something heaven forbid. I was lucky to find it at the dollar store, but I'm glad I chose it over the sunglasses" he jokes, and I smile lovingly. In simpler words, he is saying the car is cheap. I have to agree with him on that though. At least it goes well with the house.

          The drive to Jack's was a long one. He lives at the end of town, and I wasn't sure if the gas tank would stay strong that long. As soon as the house came into view, I surveyed the open spots and was forced to park far from the door. Right away, when I stepped out of the car, I was instantly judged. A couple of girls with punch cups loosely locked in their hands scanned me from my head to my toe, and snickered to each other, sharing a look that was mixed with pity and disgust. Jack was nowhere to be seen when I opened the door, but I assumed he was probably making the rounds. Now let me clarify that I’ve never actually met Jack. But whether you’re a teacher, a student, or the janitor, EVERYBODY knows the jocks. And I wasn’t technically invited to this party either, but it wasn’t invitation or anything. Just kind of whoever wants to, can come.

          I felt the strong need to recognize somebody as I walked through the door. That's easier said than done, especially if nobody fits in that category, unless you count Jesal, who looked comfortable in her position on some guy's lap. Loud music shook the walls, and I peeked into the room where it was coming from. A group of guys were all in costume, laughing to each other about nothing audible. "Hey... you. Come here a second" called the infamous Jack. I shockingly obeyed, still keeping a distance from them. I was partially surprised to discover that I was not invisible, but also shocked that they were still sober enough to make out faces. "Do I know you?" he drunkenly asks, raising his cup in the air as the liquid spills over the edge. "I don't... think... so" I stutter and he gives a deafening laugh. "Oh well, this is my friend. He didn't really want to be here tonight, but he's trying to make his girlfriend jealous. Isn't that right pal?" The stranger opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it quickly and just shakes his head. "Well anyway, it'd be great if you could be of assistance. Could you help us? Pretty please?" One of the guys quickly moves behind me, with a disgusting smirk on his face and clearly impatient, pushes my back. I fall forward, and am only inches away from this strange guy. I can see his green eyes peer through the mask that concealed his whole face. Hardly any skin is shone, just a little on his forehead that ran into his scalp, and a cap is worn over his hair so I can't see anything revealing his identity. Almost before thinking, I push my lips into his, and they taste like peppermint. But instantly, I push my hand on his chest, to make him break away, and he instantly lowers his head, embarrassed. I step back, feeling dirty and nauseous, not believing what just happened. How could I succumb to such slut like behavior? I was no different from all of these other girls here. I was not any better than Jesal, sprawled out on a random guy’s lap. I am daring enough to look up into his eyes again apologetically, but he turns his towering body away, socking Jack in the shoulder. "Hey man, I'm sorry. But I thought you just needed to loosen up. Calm down" but Jack suddenly rushes off in another room, clasping his hand over his mouth. To stay on the bright side of things, at least people are talking to me now.

                             October 31-November 5              Jess

          I ended up deciding to go to Jack's party after all. He was taunting me at baseball practice that night that I was now a geek, and so I just gave in. That night was so.... eventful, but I promised myself I wouldn't repeat that night to anyone after it happened. It was too horrible, and if Olivia finds out, I won't make it to the next morning. Technically we aren't together, because I broke it up before summer started. But this year, she's been tagging behind me like a little puppy, and I know she wants to make up. She hasn't said anything, but I can see it in her eyes. She just doesn't want to hurt her pride or reputation,  but I am not about to make the first move. Olivia is okay I guess, but she's so mean to all the other girls. She considers herself better than anyone at school, and sometimes she gets so annoying I could just strangle her. I haven't talked to Jack since the party, because he's been out with food poisoning. Probably happened on Halloween. After all, the guy was too drunk to remember his own name. English hasn't been getting any better, and now my parents are in it. Mr. Yamine called them last week to "voice his concern" or whatever, and they completely flipped out. My mom started sobbing, gasping that I wasn't going to end up like my brother, who is in jail for grand theft auto.  My dad had a face that looked like it could freeze the equator, and his eyes were being fed wood to build the fire that was growing in them. He didn't say anything at first, just grimaced at me. Finally he spoke, with a slow shaking tone that literally made me shrink. "Be quiet Michelle, take a tissue or something to wipe your eyes. And you...." he began, turning his frightening face towards mine. "You.... you're either going to get your grades up or.... go to military school." My mom instantly stopped sobbing. She turned to look at my dad, almost to check to see if he was actually serious. I felt my heart drop, and now even my own temper was beginning to flare. "No I'm not! You wouldn't dare send me to military school" I taunt him, pushing him to yell more. It worked just like I predicted, and his collarbone tightened. "Don't start with me. And don't you EVER tell me what I will or will not do" his voice began rising little by little, like a tea kettle going off. I gave an insulting smirk. "You know you're only threatening me because I'm all you have. You and your pathetic job working at a laundry mat, only because you sucked and they wouldn't let you play professional. So now you're living your dream through me, because I'm ten times better than you ever were or will be" I hiss, and immediately realize I've jumped too far off the edge. My dad's face loses it's toughness, and his tightened body slumps while still standing. My mom gapes, stunned, and puts her hand on my dad's shoulder to comfort him. But my dad just becomes impassive, his eyes looking opaque. He looks like all the muscles in his body just stopped working. I immediately walk to my room, not even attempting to apologize. I shut the door quietly, grab my lucky baseball and toss it in the air, feeling like I just killed someone. Well I guess I kind of did, but instead I killed their spirit. I guess I might as well have finished the job.

                             November 8-12           April

          Jack was out with food poisoning for a week and a half. I knew he probably wouldn't remember me, but I really wanted to ask him why he had the nerve to make me kiss that stranger. I've only been at this school for a little over 3 months, and I am already involved in an uncomfortable situation. The other day though, I came close to talking to him. I yelled his name while he was up at bat, and he immediately became alert. He twisted his head from the ball and looked in the wrong direction of the caller. All of a sudden, I hear a huge smack and Jack is sprawled on the ground, clutching the right side of his face. My hand flies to my mouth because I know it was my fault, for distracting him from practice, but I know that I can definitely NOT talk to him now. His cheek is already swelling, and his nose is scrunched up and his eyes squinted. "Coach always tells you to wear a helmet, stupid" another player reminds Jack, laughing and swinging the bat over his shoulder.

          I don't know what to do. My English teacher, Mr. Yamine has seemed really distant lately, so yesterday I did the mistake of asking him what was wrong. He hesitated at first to reply, looking as if he shouldn't be telling a student his problem, but caved in. "I have this kid in my class, and I can't seem to get through to him. I've tried threatening him, and offered a tutor, but he just refuses. I know some kids aren't good in certain classes, but I swear this kid is not going to have a future if he doesn't smarten up... no pun intended" and I gave a little awkward chuckle. Suddenly his eyes brighten, and he clasps my shoulder. "I know what I have to do. April, you have to help him. Tutor him" he urges, looking me square in the eye with determined intensity. I open my mouth to reply, but it just forms words silently. "I don't know Mr. Yamine. I would like to help, but like you said, he refused to get help from a tutor" I insist. His eyes downcast, forces a nod. "I understand. You don't have to, but this kid is in trouble.  Think about it, and get back to me by Friday." Well, I've thought about it, and today is Friday. I think I have my answer, and I am about to go announce it to Mr. Yamine. I don't know how his reaction will be, but I know what I have to say. "Yes."

                             November 8-12           Jess

          First things first, I have a tutor. I kept telling Mr. Yamine no, but finally I gave in. After seeing my dad lifeless for 3 days straight, I decided that I have to get help. It may not be fun, but I refuse to give up baseball, so I know that I have to do whatever it takes to keep my grades up. My first session is tomorrow, and I have to come straight home from school. I've planned our dates accordingly to my baseball schedule, so hopefully Coach won't spring any unexpected games or practices on us. I haven't told anyone yet, but I hope my parents will be happy. I told the tutor to come over to my place, and I decided to introduce them then. I know I can't tell Jack because he'll tease me again, and I can't tell Ivy because she'll be offended that I didn't pick her to help me. It wasn't anything personal (okay, maybe it was) but like I said, Ivy isn't any better in English than I am.

          Coach has been saying that I have been getting worse, that I seem to be more distracted and have lost passion for the game. I know he's right, but I refuse to admit it out loud.  It's just because of everything at school, and with my friends, it's all so time consuming. I have been able to talk him out of him benching me, but he tells me that I have to become more involved. Jack has noticed it to, giving halfhearted shouts of concern like "Hey dumb ass, pay attention!" or "Stop dreaming, and catch that ball. Only one more out Jess, can you feel it?!" I didn't expect him to keel over with perception, but still, I consider him my friend. Other than the occasional call of asking for homework, or the light topics at lunch, we haven't really talked since last year. He has always been jealous of me and Ivy, (if you can put us in that type of grouping) but I know he would never go behind my back and do something that would upset me. Maybe he'll meet a new girl, someone fresh to distract him from reeking destruction on an already impaired one. Anyway, I have to get my books ready for tomorrow and prepare how I can for my lesson. I don't know how it will go, but Mr. Yamine said she gets straight A's in school. I had to go tell my parents to go set an extra seat at the table for dinner too. "Who's coming over? Jack?" my mother asks, as she's dialing a number on the phone. I shake my head, restraining myself from laughing at the comparison and finally reply. "No mom, it's not Jack or any guys from the team. It's a girl actually" I answer vaguely, and my mom hangs up the phone. "Hmm.... a girl, really? What's her name?" I shrug to continue the suspense while turning my back from her, and take a breath hoping she'll end the questions there. "Veta."

                             November 8-12           April

                   I feel horrible. I can't believe I chickened out. So, I walk into Mr. Yamine's room all prepared to give him my answer. He looks up from a test he's grading, and gives me a nervous smile. "Hey April, thanks for getting back to me. So.... to get to the point, do you have a reply?" I nod, avoiding his impatient eyes. "Before you answer, look at this schedule I planned out. Does it look okay?" he asks, shoving the paper under my hand. I glance at it quickly, and immediately feel my heart drop. There is a session 4 days a week, including Sunday! I close my eyes, and inhale. "Mr. Yamine, I can assure you I was going to say yes before I came in here. But after looking at this schedule, my mind has changed. It's really demanding, and I'm not sure if I can tutor this guy and still keep up my own grades!" I confess, sliding him back the paper. "I'm sorry that I let you down. But I hope you can find some way to help him" I say, finally looking at his face. His eyes are dreary, and his cheeks are pulled down by disappointment. But nevertheless, he nods and gives me a pat on the shoulder. "It's okay April. I agree that this is pretty time consuming, and I understand that you can't do it. I appreciate you considering it though" he replies, immediately going back to grading the test. I run my hand down my ponytail awkwardly, and nod even though he doesn't notice. I am not sure if I should stay or go, so I linger, glancing around the room for the hundredth time. "Are you going to be able to find someone else?" I ask, still feeling extremely guilty and irresponsible. He shrugs, not looking up. "I don't know. I surely hope so, but to be honest, your one of the few chances I had. Your one of my smartest students, and my other privileged kids have extra curriculars that take up most, if not all, their time. I guess if I can't find anyone else, I'll either have to keep offering myself to do it, even though I know he'll refuse, or give up on him" he explains. "But I guess you'd better go. I don't want to keep you" he adds, still not looking up. I hang my head, and click my tongue, taking a large breath. Reaching for the doorknob, I look back at Mr. Yamine's lifeless face. "Hey, what was the guy's name? That I was supposed to tutor?" I ask, letting my hand fall limp on the silver curve. He gives a little helpless chuckle, and shrugs. "I guess it doesn't matter now does it?" he asks. I also chuckle, feeling for something to say. "No, I guess not."

                             November 14-19                  Jess

          Well I got my wish. Or... two of them actually. I said before that I had my first time meeting the tutor a couple of days ago. I let my parents meet her also, entering the kitchen with Veta totally vulnerable and nervous. My dad, being a solemn fellow, remained pretty even-faced. He did seem happier though that I was doing something about my grades. My mom being the exact opposite of my dad, began swooning immediately. "Oh, I am just SO happy! We had quite a job of talking Jess into even considering a tutor you know!" she exclaims to Veta, handing her a glass to put on the table. Veta just smiled, following instructions obediently. That was when I cut them off from each other, fitting in a few minutes of studying before dinner. "I'm sorry about my parents. They can be a little..... overwhelming at times" I laugh, handing her the text book. Veta smiles widely, and nods. "It's fine. I just hope you know how lucky you are to have parents that care so much about you" she replies. Surprisingly, I soon discover she is patient even with me as her student, and she makes sure I understand the steps she is taking. Overall, it's still a drag to have to take classes, but it's better than I thought it would be.  "Listen, I really want you to know how grateful I am for you helping me. I know you're doing this with pay, but also out of kindness, so I just want to say thank you" I insist before she even walks in the door. She looks startled, almost expecting me to be obstinate and carefree. "Oh, well you're most certainly welcome. Mr. Yamine was a favorite teacher of mine, and I'd do anything to help him... and students he cares about." It was then that it was my time to be startled. "Correct me if I'm wrong Veta, but did you say was?" I ask, utterly confused. She wrinkles her forehead, and takes a few seconds before opening her mouth in realization. "Mr. Yamine didn't tell you? I'm not in high school anymore. I just graduated."

          Now on to my second wish that came true. Last entry I said that I wished Jack would find a new girl to obsess over and leave my old flings alone. Well, I guess I was in luck. Coach felt the need to tell everyone on the team why I might be missing some practices while I was in the changing room, and right when I was pulling up my socks, Jack bursts through the door. His face is red from running, and when he enters he lets out a huge breath. "I'm almost ready" I say, tying a shoelace. He takes a gulp and gasps "Dude! Why didn't you tell me you had a tutor! It's embarrassing when I have to find out from the coach!" I just sigh, disappointed. "I'm sorry man. I just didn't know how you'd react. But I've only had one session with her." Jack immediately smiles boyishly, and says in a low tone "Is she hot?" I laugh, expecting such a thing from him. "She's my tutor dude! What do you want me to say!?" I exclaim standing up and grabbing my glove. Jack punches me in the arm. "Come on! At least tell me what she looks like!" I sigh, and repeatedly throw my fist into my glove, stretching it out and preparing it for play. "She has straight black hair, kind of light skin..... blue eyes, okay? Satisfied? Oh, and she's 19" I reply annoyed. Jack's smile grows even wider and determination mounts in his face. "Don't get any ideas man. She's 2 years older than you, plus she's my tutor" I say, not letting him butt in. He throws up his hands in innocence. "Me? Why would you suspect me of such a thing?! I would never hit on a friend's tutor!" he insists, throwing his arm around me and walking me out to the field. I snort, throw in an eye roll, and laugh. "Sure Jack. Do you not remember my fitness trainer last summer?"

                             November 14-19                  April

          I finally told my dad about my break away from volunteer work. He unfortunately acted the way I had expected him to; disappointed. "April, I know how hard it must be to make new friends at a completely fresh environment. But this could have been a fabulous chance for you to be to meet someone! Don't you agree?!" he asks, giving my hand a fatherly pat. I just shrug, shrinking lower and lower into the floor. "I didn't know what to do. I was going to say yes, but the schedule even incorporated the weekends! I just..... backed out. Took the safe route. I'm sorry" "It doesn't really matter to me in the long run honey. Just trying to help my daughter make the best decisions. Don't you think you should be apologizing to someone else?" he replies, in the parental tone of saying you're going to, and not that you should.

          So the next morning, I go back to Mr. Yamine's room. I give a light knock, and peek in. "Hey Mr. Yamine. I was just wondering if you had a second?" I ask, opening the door more as I spoke. He shrugs, and gestures toward the top of a front row desk. "Thanks. I just wanted to apologize again for bailing out on you" I begin, bowing my head. "Really April, it's okay. I understand that the schedule was too much for you" he assures me, tipping his coffee cup into his mouth. "No it's not. And I hope it's not too late to change my mind. I would be honored to tutor that guy." Mr. Yamine's hand freezes, and he sets down the cup, it settling comfortably into the oak table. "Wow April, I wasn't expecting this.... I uh, it's a little awkward to tell you this but ahem, I found someone else for him." My mouth forms an o and I feel the strong wall protecting my dam break. I wasn't expecting to get a refusal. I was preparing myself for bursts of joy and appreciation. But his face lights up and his hand flees to the back of his head. "I have an idea April. I know that I've already found a tutor, but she's in her first year of college, so I really don't think she'd mind at all if you joined them. Only if you wish of course, but Veta is a really nice girl. One of my best students I'd say throughout my teaching experience. Always very alert, prepared, strong. I kind of miss her to tell you the truth. So how about it hmm? I'll call up Veta right now to discuss it" he insists, reaching for the anxious phone, the cord strangling itself in anticipation. My shoulders slump, because it's not at all what I wanted. I know it would appear inconsiderate to back out when Mr. Yamine is offering to go to all this trouble, but I know how these situations work. I'd end up doing nothing, and just watching like a little kid nobody wanted around. Perfect Veta would continue on so poised and intelligent, and the guy would stare at her dreamily, and I would sit in a corner playing with my thumbs. No matter what my dad would say, I knew that I had to say no. But before I get a chance, Mr. Yamine had already dialed the number. "Yes hello Veta? This is Mr. Yamine. How's it been going so far? Really? Good good, glad to hear it. Well the reason I'm calling is that the girl who was originally going to tutor changed her mind. Yeah I know, yeah (laughing). Well I was wondering if I could ask you another favor? To maybe let her join in, offer up some knowledge now and then, heck maybe even learn something herself (laughing.) Oh okay. No it's not absolutely necessary, but I think she'd definitely like to do it. All right then I'll tell her. Thanks Veta. Bye-bye" he finally finishes, resting the phone back on the hook. I open my mouth to say something before he does, but Mr. Yamine being a quick fellow beats me to the punch. "Good news April. She'd love to have you. Here's the information" he smiles widely, jotting it down on a napkin. "Gee thanks Mr. Yamine. I really appreciate it" I reply forcing myself to the maximum to appear happy. He nods, falling for it, and jumps up to open the door. Spreading out my hand to cover my face, I say quietly to myself  "What am I going to do? I don't even know where this guy, Jess's place is."

                             November 19-22                  Jess

          Life is a disaster. I cannot believe I ever let myself get sucked into this academic world. Tutoring sessions with Veta were going fine, until everyone found out about it. People are treating me all differently now, like I'm becoming some mathlete or something. In our lunch line, the jocks always get to the front of the line, no matter who is there. Well today when I went up to the front with Jack like I always do, I almost got booted down. "Excuse me sir, there's no cutting" the lunch lady says nicely enough, but gives Jack a loving smile. "Martha.... are you serious? It's me Jess. I always cut" I say confused. "Of course Jess. I was just kidding with you. Go ahead" and pushes me along. If that wasn't enough, Olivia has made her mark. I guess she heard about it from a guy on the team who told his girlfriend who told her. Well secret's out now, and she could not have acted any worse. I was walking home from school, and she pulls up to the sidewalk, idling the car as I took my steps over the cracks. "I cannot believe you didn't tell me Jess. I am so hurt" she cries dramatically, pounding her first on the steering wheel. Knowing immediately what she is talking about, I just increase my speed. "I didn't have to tell you Olivia. I didn't want to tell anyone, but it got out anyway. It's not that big of a deal" I reply flatly. Her eyes just become bigger and angrier, and she slams her foot on the break for attention. "Yes it is Jess! You are "studying" with another girl for most of the week, and for many weeks. I know what goes on when they say it's studying, so don't think you can fool me. Is this Veta pretty?!" she asks through clenched teeth. "Yeah Olivia she is. She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She's in college too, and really smart." Not surprisingly, it works to set her off. "Jess!! I wanted you to lie to me! You are not supposed to tell me the truth, you're supposed to say I was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen! You don't tell your girlfriend......" and then she pauses awkwardly, turning her head to the other side. "Olivia, I'm sorry. But you know you are not my girlfriend. We are not together! Please get over it and move on. I know I have" I beg, and step farther away from her car. I can see her eyes spark with tears, and she looks as if she's going to slap me. But she doesn't, and simply guns her car forward and sniffles.

          The tutoring sessions are just getting worse. Some new girl I guess is joining us tomorrow and for the rest of the classes. I guess she was supposed to be the one who was going to tutor me in the first place, but changed her mind or whatever. I don't really know how to react, but I know it's just going to make it worse. She's either going to be too bored to do anything, or she's going to be interrupting Veta every 5 seconds to make a point and turn out to be one of the know-it-all types. Mr. Yamine didn't even bother to tell me that she was coming, Veta had to call me yesterday. Talk about short notice. I picked up the phone, and at first I didn't recognize her because she sounds very different over the phone. "Hello Jess? This is Veta. You do remember me don't you?" she nervously asks. I just laugh. Our conversation seems to just continue on casually until she gets to the point. "All right Jess, let me tell you the real reason I called. The original girl that was going to tutor you changed her mind and wanted back in. I felt wrong saying no to her, so I hope it's all right if she joins us. Her name is April." After that she just makes light conversation, and we both awkwardly hang up. All I know about this April is that she is new to our school, and she isn't in any of my classes. My mother always says that life is what you make of it, but I don't know how that works here when I don't know what to make of it.

                             November 19-23                  April

          I feel so stupid. I don't know why I even listened to my dad in the first place, I KNEW I shouldn't have gone back to Mr. Yamine's class to ask for a second chance. It made me look desperate and childish, and I should have just butted in rudely when he was on the phone. I should have just told him then and there that I just DIDN'T want to do it. Now I have this obligation to go to Jess's house and sit there, and I know he'll think I'm some type of moron. Veta will probably be really gorgeous and smart, and I'll come across as some needy 5 year old. But my first session is tomorrow, and I am dreading it as much as you can. I dare not tell my dad what happened, because he'll just encourage me to keep with it, and not be a quitter. Really, he doesn't seem to understand what teenage life is like now a days. I love him but sometimes he can just be so oblivious I swear!

          All I can say, is that one class is over. It didn't happen quite like I planned though. I got there, and Jess's mom opened the door. "Oh hello. May I help you?" she asks in a purely nice manor, and I just smile. "Hi, I uh..... I am helping out Jess, I'm his tutor" I oddly laugh, and immediately regret it once it comes out of my mouth. I am not even in the door yet and I am already making a fool out of myself. His mother smiles sweetly, and waves me in. "Very nice to meet you. Come on in. Jess is in his room playing video games. Veta doesn't usually get here for another half an hour, but I'm sure you can fit right in here" she warmly comments, pointing out his room down the hall. I nod gratefully, and take the slowest steps possible, hoping to make 30 minutes pass in 30 seconds. I give a light knock, and I can hear surprise in his voice. "Just a minute mom. I'm getting to the next level" and I peek in the door. "Hi Jess. We haven't met before, but I'm April. Your.... second tutor" I squeak, and his head does a full 360. "Oh uh... hi. I wasn't expecting you this early" and he jumps up to grab clothes strewn over chairs to stuff under his mattress. "I'm sorry. I wasn't clear on what time I should come" I mutter, glancing around his room. "What are you playing?" "Oh uh... nothing special really" he offers, handing me a controller. I hesitate. "I'm not sure. I've never played this game before. How about we make a deal? I'll teach you English and you teach me the art of video games" I reply, and he chuckles lightly. "Sure okay. First, you have to try and shoot all these people" he says, leaning in and pointing at the screen. "But why? They look harmless enough" I ask, and he laughs again. "You just have to. If you don't, they'll steal your money and it'll set you back a day. You don't want to lose any time" he explains. "This is confusing. I feel like such an amateur" I whine. Jess shakes his head and smiles. "Don't worry. That's how everyone starts out. You'll get the hang of it in no time. Just follow what I say and you'll be fine.” "Yoo-hoo!" rings a high-pitch voice, followed by a heavy knock. Jess quickly turns off the TV and opens the door. "Hi again Jess. Oh, and this must be April. Mr. Yamine spoke very highly of you. I'm Veta" she smiles, but something doesn't feel quite right. She runs her long fingers through her black hair. Her eyes look challengingly at me, and her smile seems crookedly off. "Yeah, I'm April. Should we get started?" I ask, feeling intimidated by her confidence. Jess nods, and goes to his backpack to get his books. "Well April. This should be fun shouldn't it?" she whispers in an exaggerated high pitched squeal. It was obvious she was completely faking. I mean, a blind person could see how heavy a show she was putting on. The only thing heavier was her mascara.

                             November 23-25                  Jess

          April is pretty cool. When I first met her, I thought she was a little strange. She came 30 minutes early, so I had a feeling that she would be a perfectionist type of person, but she seems really nice. We played video games while we waited for Veta, and it's a little funny to watch her because she is just a beginner. But it's fun to teach someone my ways and watch them get better. She has blond hair about elbow length, and it curls at the ends. Her eyes are a pale blue, and she has little freckles across her nose. The lesson itself was not as hopeful. Veta seemed oddly uptight, and when I asked her what was wrong she just snapped. She rambled in a tone that sounded as if she had inhaled helium, and her eyes kept darting around the room. "Nothing Jess. Does something seem like it's wrong? I don't think so, nothing is wrong. Let's... let's just concentrate on your work okay?!" I wanted to ask for a second opinion, so afterward when Veta had left, I held April back. "Um, can I talk to you for a second? I'm a little worried about Veta. Does she seem at all off to you?" I ask. April shrugs, and grabs her coat. "I don't really know her too well Jess, so I wouldn't be the best person to ask. She did seem a little quirky. Maybe spastic. But that could just be her personality. Too tight jeans, 3 pink eye shadows on at once, psycho killer smile. Seems nice though." I am surprised at April's sudden change of heart, and find myself confused. "Did she say something to you? Our first session was fine, but since....." "April don't take that wrong. I'm sorry..... I know that sounded rude but I didn't mean......" I start but her hand flies up. "You know what Jess? Maybe this was a mistake. I changed my mind out of the goodness of my heart, to help out a kid who was having trouble in class. But I guess I was wrong. You seemed nice too, genuinely kind and wanting help. But once again, I made an error of judgment. Sorry for wasting your time" she says coldly, striding out and pushing past my desperate hand. I can be such an idiot sometimes, mixing up words to make them sound wrong. Truly it wasn't what I meant. I really liked April. I thought we could even be friends, because she seemed like the type of girl who was laid-back and could be fun to hang out with. Guess that won't be happening now. But aside from that issue, I know what I have to do. Something is wrong with Veta, and I have an obligation to go to Mr. Yamine first thing tomorrow morning to find out what.

                             November 26-29                  April

          I know something is suspicious about that Veta. She is almost too perfect, too materialistic to be human. Her smile could be plastered on, and her great bone structure could very possibly be the result of plastic surgery. I don't know why I feel so jealous by her beauty and intelligence, but I do. I didn't know someone could be absolutely perfect, without flaw or mistakes. It just puzzles me, and it's slowly eating me away. So I made a decision the night I got home from the first lesson that I would go to Mr. Yamine that very next morning.

                   As I walked to the classroom my hands were sweaty. I knew how I would appear; suspicious, shallow and jealous. But I couldn't resist the temptation to accuse, to discover the secret of the perfect girl. So I went into that class without hesitation, faking confidence all the way. But I would only have been more surprised if I saw Veta herself in that class next to Mr. Yamine. "April?! What are you doing here? I thought that you didn’t care about Veta" Jess astonishingly questions. I scoff and do my best to appear hurt. "I thought you didn't care about me" I reply wittingly, knowing in the back of my mind I would have to reward myself later for coming up with that one. Jess slumps and rolls his eyes. "You know that's not true. I don't know you at all, but I don't have any reason not to at least have a level of concern the equivalent to a set of strangers... which I guess is kind of what we are" he says, his voice softening. Mr. Yamine remains silent 'till this moment, but quickly intervenes. " Jess came in here to ask me about Veta. He says that something seems a little off about her, and he is quite worried. I would be terribly embarrassed if I revealed this and you in no way had any purpose including Veta in your reason for coming here" he announces. I shake my head and give a shy smile. "I don't know Veta well, but from what I saw last night at Jess's house she seemed disturbed. Something was definitely odd about her unusual tone and upbeat appearance, and she is the very reason why I am here. I am just surprised to see Jess here at the same time for the same reason" I explain, slowly lowering myself to a chair. "Jess hadn't been here very long when you came in April, but before we were discussing the possibility of calling Veta. Would that seem at all..... wrong to you?" Mr. Yamine asks, with a very formal tone, almost assuming the position of a guidance counselor. I shrug and honestly reply "I don't really know what to do Mr. Yamine. I am just curious about what is bothering her." He nods and grabs the phone, immediately punching in the keys with a light delicate rhythm. I look at Jess as I hear the ring, and he looks back giving me a half smile. "Veta? Hi this is Mr. Yamine. Yeah, it's good to hear from you. I want to thank you for helping me out in this... situation. The reason I am calling is that April and Jess are worried. Last night they said that you seemed distant and a little odd, and well we're all concerned for your well-being Veta...." Mr. Yamine pauses waiting for an answer. He looks startled by the response, and I can faintly hear cries on the other end. "Oh my, I am so sorry.... I had no idea. When is the funeral? Wow, I am so sorry Veta. I realize what a hard time you're going through, but I really don't think you're fit to tutor Jess in your condition. I really hope I'm not upsetting you any more, but I don't want you to feel an obligation to continue with these classes considering your recent tragedy. Thank you so much for the time you have put forward so far, and please, give my best wishes to your mother. Thank you Veta. Goodbye." There is an awkward silence in the room for several seconds, until Mr. Yamine took a large breath and slowly said "Veta's brother just died. The poor boy was only 22. I actually had him as a student way back, wonderful child, very gifted just like his sister. The police stated the cause of death was a suicide, and the funeral is tomorrow. It only happened last night, and I guess she found out a few seconds after your class." I started feeling horrible for all the hostile thoughts I had for Veta, but suddenly my heart changed. "Mr. Yamine... did you say that she found out AFTER our session?" Mr. Yamine tilted his head and nodded. "Well then that doesn't add up. Veta was acting strange before she discovered that her brother died, so how does that make sense? Something must have been wrong before the accident" I declared, rising to my feet. Jess immediately comes to my side and agrees. "She's right Mr. Yamine. But will Veta be teaching me anymore?" he asks. Mr. Yamine solemnly shakes his head. "I'm afraid not. I didn't feel cold enough to make her continue. So I guess now it's just you April." I gulp, as a huge pair of weights drops to my shoulders. I feel the cowardliness creeping out again, but I push it down. Instead of backing out again, I reply with an insincere chirp. "So... when is our next class Jess?"

                             November 26-29                  Jess

          I feel so sorry for Veta. I had no idea that her brother died, and I can't imagine my mother telling me such a thing. I only see mine on holidays and occasionally throughout the year, but I love him and I'd be devastated if such a horrible thing happened. So now, it's just me and April. I talked to her a little bit, and I think that now we are on at least speaking terms. We had a class today, only our second one, and I am almost envious of how smart April is.

          I was playing video games again when she came this time. Same one, expertly planned out because I knew she wasn't going to mistakenly come "early" again. It would be too suspicious, and I made it so that when she walked in, maybe I could talk her into continuing her path of improving her skill. It went well last time, and I hoped that maybe this could smooth things over before our class. "Hey. Want to play? Same game. We could take off from last time" I offer casually, throwing her a controller. "Whatever Jess. It'll be in no time at all that I'm kicking your butt" she assures me, pursing her lips. "Whoa. Put on too much attitude this morning?" I ask, surprised at her newly overpowering confidence. She just sighs and plops to the floor. "So, same level and everything? Don't try to pull a fast one on me or something, making it harder without me knowing" she warns. I give an insecure laugh, and we play for a few minutes in silence. "Listen April..... I'm sorry about last time" I say, forgetting if I've apologized before. She rolls her eyes and keeps her attention on the screen. "Whatever Jess. I'm over it. I really thought you seemed like a relaxed guy, maybe someone fun that I could hang out with. I don't have any friends here, and I was really hoping that you could be my first, to tell you the truth. But I guess you're just like all the other boys here; cocky and disrespectful" she hisses, but I can feel that it's only halfheartedly. And nevertheless, I play into it, knowing that if I caught her on her act of exaggerating, she'd just act like she was insulted that I would assume such things and it'd only make matters worse. Years of dealing with Olivia has taught me such ways. "No seriously April, I'm sorry. I really wish you'd give me a second chance, an opportunity for me to show you that I am truly a nice guy..... most of the time" I joke, and she gives a smile she's fighting off. "How about it? We could even meet up outside my room of the weekly video game fix. How about the arcade? Or for pizza?" Her eyes glance at mine, and quickly dart away apprehensively. "I don't know Jess. But I guess it'd only be fair if I gave you another chance. Don't mess it up this time though" she adds, laughing a little when I point out that she's killed one of her own men. "Jess..... do you have a....." she pauses for a second, hesitating. I don't think anything of it, and keep my eyes glued to the game. "A... g... g-gla-glass of water?" she stutters. "Sure. I'll be right back. Bottled or tap?" I ask. "Either is fine" she replies, pausing the game. I quickly jog to the kitchen, and return with the bottle. "Thanks Jess" she quickly mutters, the mood turning in the air. "Something wrong?" I ask, unconsciously resting my hand on my lap. I notice out of the corner of my eye that she quickly glances at it, but shakes her head and ignores me for the rest of the time.

          Later that night, as I'm holding open the door for her to leave, she hesitates. "What time should we meet for your take two?" she asks. I just shrug. "I don't know. How's tomorrow night, 6:00-ish? We can go have pizza and maybe hit up the latest horror flick or something. Are you into horror movies April?" I ask, a harmless question but a step towards discovering her true colors. "Yeah. I love 'em. So see you tomorrow I guess" she says gauchely. I nod, and quickly close the door after her, rubbing my arm as the cold November air pricks my skin. The night sky is darkening by the word, and the stars are beginning to shy away from their daytime hideouts. It is only then, when I'm staring at the sky and feeling the tightening grip of the wind against my bare legs, that I realize she never really wanted water at all.

                                      December 1-3             April

          So yesterday, I had my first time out with Jess. I wouldn't call it a date, because everyone would get the wrong idea. It was just a friendly, hanging out sort of occasion. We ended up going for a pizza and a movie afterwards. It was sort of freaky to tell you the truth, but I didn't do anything ditzy like accidentally rest my hand on his, or hit him in the mouth when I was trying to gasp, like everybody always does in the movies. I just kind of sat there and squirmed when somebody's blood was displayed on the walls, and shied my eyes away from the gruesome scene. I tried not to let Jess see, because I was afraid that he would think I was a wimp, so when I wanted to turn away I just pretended to be interested with the people behind us. I got the impression that they were getting mad at me for turning around in their faces so much, so it was a lose-lose situation. I think that I still ended up looking like an idiot to both Jess and the complete strangers. But other than that, the night was pretty nice. The pizza was good, not all burnt on the bottom like they have done in the past out here, and the moon was really beautiful. On the way home, I was really nervous when it'd come to our goodbye. It always looks so awkward when other people do it, when they aren't really friends by textbook terms (at least), which is our situation. Jess walked me to the door, and he even looked uncomfortable. I could immediately tell it wasn't his normal routine with girls, and although it made me feel awkward, it kind of made me feel special at the same time. When I stepped up the stairs, he hung back a little, staying on the grass. I loitered for a second aimlessly, fidgeting with my keys, and Jess gave a shy smile. "Uh..... Bye April. I'll see you later" he mutters, hesitating a second as if questioning what he should do. He ended up just giving me a grin and walking back to his car. I hope Jack or other people don't find out about us..... not that there is anything to find out.

          Besides Jess, I have more news... less fortunate news. My grades have been slipping in German and math. I really hope they don't get so bad that the school calls my dad, but they have went from a low A or a high B, to a low B. It still passes technically, but not on my dad's scale. He always tells me that it doesn't matter what makes the grade, it's what makes our satisfaction. And his satisfaction, is at least a B+ in all subjects, even my advanced classes. He did seem pretty happy when I told him about Jess, but all that will probably fade away now. If only I known this BEFORE I told him, and then I could have conveniently timed it so that I would have told him the bad news first, and then surprise him with the good news and an excuse all in one. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to find some way to deal with him, with Jess, with other people, with time, and with my grades. Whoever says that High School were some of the happiest years of their life was clearly wrong.... or just not chemically balanced.

                             December 1-4             Jess

          April and I had fun yesterday. We went to the movies and for pizza, and then I took her home. She was very laid back and relaxed, and luckily we didn't run into anyone I knew. I am not saying I'm ashamed of her, because after reading that last sentence over, I realized how rude it sounded. She is a very nice girl, and I feel sorry for her that she hasn't been able to make any friends yet. I hope this new month proves to be better for her than the last three.

          I had a lesson with April today. Instead of staying inside like we always do, we decided to go outside and sit on a blanket to study. But then I got cold, and the papers kept flying away, so we went back inside. I really do feel like I'm improving, and Mr. Yamine has seemed to notice. Instead of my normal D and occasional C, I got a B on our last quiz. I was anxious for my grade like I have never been before. I never cared too much about what letter appeared back, but this time I felt a gnawing nervousness. When Mr. Yamine drifted to my seat, he hesitated a moment rifling through the others until he found mine. He looked at it again, smiled and laid it down on my desk. "Good job Jess. I guess April really was your magical fix" and I immediately flipped it over. When I saw that grade in a fearless red marker glaring back at me, I felt a pride I had never felt before. Sure I had my glowing moments when I caught the winning catch at a baseball tournament, or beat the highest level on a video game, but this was entirely different. I felt as if my whole face was lit up, and I guess it probably was. Jack leaned over from his seat to sneak a peek at my test. "Whoa dude, a B? I'm oddly jealous. Who is this girl who's tutoring you? I have to meet her. Maybe she can turn my F into an A+ or something, you know, work her powers." I just smiled, feeling a happy satisfaction with my improvement and working help of April.

          It's so cold now. December didn't wait to be bold, and the air has been nipping at everybody's faces. I couldn't imagine living in a place like Alaska all year long, where their summer is like our coldest winter. Even though I like walking on the hardening ground and looking at the new chilling scenery, I think I dislike Winter the most out of all the seasons. Just one year, I wish we could somehow magically get snow. I think it would be heaven if just one day, I could wake up, look out my window, and discover massive amounts of the white powder clinging to the trees and forming a new ground. I have always dreamed in my mind's eye that I would bust out the door as soon as I wake up in my pajamas, and collapse in the angel banks. I would be so happy I wouldn't even notice how cold I was, I would just be screaming with excitement. But almost too fast, I realize how impossible it is. Some parts of the world get snow, and others don't. It's just a fact of life, but I still wish that somehow, someway, nature could defy the odds for just a day.

                             December 4-7             April

          The winter formal is coming up in a few weeks. I don't even know if I'm going to go yet. At my old school they never had dances, so honestly I am a little excited for first time purposes only of course. I haven't told my dad yet, because he's probably going to give me some lecture on how it is important to get in social outings, but academics always come first. I think it'd be nice to wear a fancy dress and heels, and put my hair up all formally for just a night. But the only thing that could make me go without a hesitation would be if there would somehow be snow on that night. I know I've mentioned it before, and I know that it's practically impossible, but I already miss it and it's only early December. I don't know what I'm going to do. I still have a lot of time to think about it I guess, so I'll try not to get all stressed out right now.

          I had a class with Jess today, and it was actually our 5th one. I've been counting for unknown purposes except for keeping up to date. It was fine, nothing special really. We played our traditional video game, and then studied for a couple hours.  I can really sense that he's getting better, and I honestly have to take a little credit at least. I know that in the end it's all about how much he participates, and that he wouldn't really learn anything if he didn't want, but if I wasn't to supply him with my teachings he wouldn't be learning all this anyway. I just read that over and realized how self-absorbed it sounded, and I would be so ashamed if I said that aloud and someone actually heard it... especially Jess himself. It would break his spirits, and probably prevent him from learning any more. I don't know what I would call him now like in a formal way. I know it's stupid to think of things like that and worry about what connection we have, but I'm not sure if we're friends... or I'm just his tutor. I mean I like Jess a lot, he's really nice and funny. But in my mind I'm still the new kid that nobody knows, and if he was to mention me to his popular friends, they would just laugh at us, Jess for thinking they'd care about me, and at me for just being.... me. But that's saying he'd even think about talking about me to anyone, if I was important enough to incorporate into the conversation. I really don't know why I am stressing so much about this, but Jess is different. He's not like any other guy I've ever known, not saying that I've known many. I've only had 2 other serious boyfriends, one who dumped me, and the other one who moved away. But Jess is a really good guy, and I really hope we can be friends.... if we're not already.

                             December 5-8- Jess

          The winter formal is coming up. I am not sure if I'm going to even go, because I know Olivia is just going to ask me and I don't want to have to tell her no. The simple solution would be to accept, but I just... I don't want things to go like they did last year. We were constantly fighting all year long, and no one could count all the times we broke up. I'm afraid if I agree to a simple, harmless date with her, she'll take it way out of context. By the next day everyone will think that we're together, because she'll find some way to spread the word around to the whole school. So I guess there are 4 possibilities. 1) I could not go at all. Possibly the easiest of them all. 2) I could invite someone else. Possibly the hardest of them all. I would have to work up the courage to ask someone, and even if I did that, I would have to fight off the scowl of Olivia all night, and I don't even know who I could invite anyway. 3) I could go alone. Possibly the worst of all the options. Everyone would think I couldn't get a date, and I would probably just sit at a table the whole night with a cup of punch as my companion. 4) I could go with Olivia. Almost equally as horrible as number 3, so I suppose the only options are number 1 and 2. I guess this is kind of a stupid way to think about it, but process of elimination has always helped me make my harder decisions. So I could not go at all, or go with someone other than Olivia.

          Now, by looking at my yearbook, I can narrow down the choices of who to bring (if I would be going.) I could bring Ava, a cheerleader who has had a crush on me for ages. I've never really talked to her, but she seems really desperate so she'd probably jump at the chance. Another choice is Lacie, a girl in my art class. She's really outgoing and likes to talk.... A LOT. Maybe I'll scratch her out on second thought. Hmm.... possibly Hayden who just got here this year from Australia. She's super pretty and all the guy's fall at her accent. But she always turns down offers to go out on dates, so she'd probably say no on the spot if I asked her. I don't know. I guess I'll think about it later.

          I showed my parents my B yesterday, and my mom practically fainted with joy. She squealed and squeezed me to death, and ripped it from my hands. "Oh honey! I am so so proud of you! This is going straight up on the refrigerator" she cried, marveling it as she carried it to the fridge. My dad was less expressive, but I could see it in his eyes. His wrinkled and tired skin crackled a small smile, and his eyes beamed with pride. "This is good Jess. I am very satisfied" was all he said. I even called my brother in jail to tell him the good news. It was the first time I had heard from him since my birthday in July. "Hey Christian. How are you?" I ask as soon as I hear his raspy voice speak. There is a second of shock almost, disbelief. "Jess? Is that you?!" he cries. "Yeah man. It's me. How are you doing over there?" He just sighs and I can almost see him shaking his head through the phone. "Not great. But what can you expect? It's jail right? I'll be out of here soon enough" he chuckles, and I laugh at his unchanging optimism. "Christian, the reason I'm calling you is.... I got my first B since middle school a few days ago. I was completely failing English and this girl named April offered to be my tutor. Since then I....." I trail off hoping he understands my happiness. "Oh god. That's wonderful Jess, really. I need to meet this girl if she could change my brother to smart. That's a down right miracle right there" he laughs, and I just roll my eyes. "Seriously though, that's really great. I'm glad to hear you're doing good. This girl... your tutor, do you like her?" "Yeah I mean she's really nice and funny. But I don't think of her as anything more than a friend" I assure him, twisting the phone cord around my finger. "Why not? Is she really weird looking? Like with huge glasses and hair that's completely knotted and curly? Curly Sue’s twin or something?" he asks. I laugh and sigh at the same time, content with Christian's  assumptions. "No. She's not ugly or anything..... at all actually. I just..........." but I have to stop, because really, I can't think of a reason why I wouldn't like her. She is pretty enough, and funny, and smart and nice. I just... it never occurred to me that I would have a crush on her. The minute I heard she was my tutor, I always thought of her as just that, or a friend apart from our sessions. But as a.... girlfriend? That sounded weird, almost unnatural. "That's what I thought. Come visit me sometime huh? I don't have anything to do and I.... I miss you" he hesitates, because showing his emotions was never really his strong suit. Kind of like my father, really the only thing they have in common. "Yeah sure. I'll do that Christian. Talk to you soon" I say, distracted by this new world that was just uncovered to me. "Promise Jess?" he asks, almost pleads. "Yeah I promise. Bye" I laugh, but it's not the right time. He's dead serious, and I feel a burst of pity for him. My parents would never go to see him other than on holidays, they are still too furious at him for screwing up his life. His mistake has almost made me fearful I'll do the same, that I'll follow in his footsteps and mess up my own somehow. But other that that...... April as my.... girlfriend? Nah.

                             December 5-8- April

          Something really weird happened to me today. I got a call coming from the jail. I started freaking out, but I was a little curious to see who was calling, so I answered. "Hello?" I asked in a nervous tone. "Hey. Is this April?" replies the voice, in a deep and husky tone. "Maybe. Who is this? And why are you calling me?!" I ask. The stranger gives a hearty laugh, and clicks his tongue. "Hi, my name is Christian, I am Jess's brother" he explains, and I feel my heart drop. "What? Is Jess okay? Did something happen to him?!" I cry, feeling my lip tremble. "No, not at all. Don't worry. I um..... I talked to him, and he mentioned you. Said you saved him, that you got him his first B in a while" he replies.  "Yeah, that might be true. But that still doesn't answer my question of why you are calling. How did you get my number anyway?" I inquired. Christian gives another laugh, but I don't find any humor. "Jess didn't say you were so demanding. I am calling because when we were talking, I was curious about something. I asked him if....." he begins, but I bring down the phone when I hear my father yell. "April? Who is that on the phone?" My mind starts racing because I know he wouldn't believe me if I told him a felon was calling. "No one Dad. Just someone who's trying to get me to subscribe to their magazine" I call back. "Listen Christian, I'm sorry but I have to go. My dad is..... bye" I quickly say, and quickly hang up the phone. All I hear is stuttering, and a desperate "wait!", but I ignore it, thinking I'll just ask Jess about it tomorrow, since that is our next class.

          I arrive 10 minutes late purposely the next day, to try and make it look like I was really busy. "Hi Jess. Sorry I'm late" I lamely apologize, but he just shrugs. "Not a big deal. Just 10 minutes less of studying right?! How are you?" he asks halfheartedly. "Fine. Actually, I'm not. I got a call from your brother yesterday" I begin, and Jess drops his glass of soda. It splatters on the floor, spraying my legs with bubbles and fizz. "Sorry I... He called you? Why?!" he cried, running to the kitchen to grab a towel. "Yeah. But I didn't hear him. My dad asked who was on the phone, and I hung up before he could finish. All I heard was that he asked you something. Do you have any idea why he was calling me?" I ask, partially nervous of the answer. Jess's eyes dart back and forth, and he quickly shakes his head. "No. No I don't know. I'll talk to him though, tell him not to call you again. Was he at all mean to you?" he asks protectively. I can't help but smile a little, and shake my head. "He didn't offend you at all, make you upset in any way?" Jess asks, and I give a little chuckle. "No, he was fine. Why are you so concerned?" I ask, and Jess just wrinkled his forehead defensively. "I'm... I'm not. I just want to make sure he didn't hurt..... so, did you see my English paper on the fridge? My mom is pretty proud of it. I think she's going to make copies and post them around town" he jokes awkwardly. I just laugh, confused. All I say is "Could I get a copy then?"

          The winter formal is even closer than it is in my last entry, and as the days left get smaller, the stress gets bigger. There are a lot of tests before winter break, so all the teachers are cramming in their last minute exams in the week before vacation. The dance is on the 22nd of December, and I still don't have a date, or a dress. I don't know who I'm going with, but all I know is that as of now, I AM going. It'll probably come down to it that I'll be forced to go alone, because I'm not even sure if I can work up the courage to ask anyone. But if I did, they would probably turn me down flat, thinking that I'm the new girl that nobody wants to be seen with. I am thinking about what type of dress I'd like to wear, and in my mind the picture is a red one with a halter and lace flowing on the bottom. But I have yet to actually go shopping and see what choices they have, so my perfect dress will probably only be real in my head. I don't have shoes either, but I know I have to wear heels. At 5"2, all the guys are at least 8 inches taller than me. All the girls I've ever known think it'd be so romantic to dance with a tall guy, with their arms flung around his neck, but actually, it's quite the opposite. It gives you a neck cramp, and your feet ache from having stepped on his the whole night. So now that I think about it, maybe it'd be a smarter move to go alone. Then I wouldn't have to dance with anyone, and I could just sit in the corner wallowing in my own self-pity. Gosh, the more I think about it, the more fun I realize it's going to be.

                   December 12-17- Jess

          The winter formal is in 11 short days, and I still do not have a date. I haven't actually asked anyone, but I have been asked. But before you throw a congratulations party for me, let me tell you by who. Ivy of course. It's somewhat stupid of you to think it would be anyone else actually. All the girls think I am with her only because of what lies she feeds them, so they would never have the guts to ask me themselves. Ivy would bury their heads in the ground, leaving their stunned faces imprinted in the dirt. And plus, I have a horrible time picking out the corsage. I can't tell the difference between magenta and red, or white and off-white. Usually I have my mother do it for me, but I have NEVER told anyone that.  If my date found out that, she would either laugh, gape in disbelief, or ignore it completely, covering it up with her fake upbeat conversation which really only consist of one person. The only thing I'm worse at is finding a tux. When I try to lace the tie, somehow my arm usually ends up in the middle. And the shoes always end up being too small, even though they measure perfectly in the store only the day before. So, after those traditional mistakes, I almost always end up wearing just a jacket and a dress shirt, occasionally to be unbuttoned a couple of buttons by Ivy. On the night of the dance I would either carpool with Jack in his father's corvette, or (not by choice) be driven by my mother in the station wagon. Her used tissues would fill the front seat floor, and she'd discard more by the minute, dabbing at her eyes. "Oh Jess! These dances always get me. You are such a young man now, going to these dances with girls and... oh I can just remember you when you were just learning to walk, and now.....!!!" she cries, looking at me in the back seat through the mirror. I just shift uncomfortably and glance at my watch desperately, hoping to be there already. But the ride, the outfit, even the corsage doesn't really matter. Those are all just details of the night, because what I really want is a nice time. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, but I'd prefer it to be at least a notch above dances in parking lots. Not too much to ask for, but it seems it never happens. Maybe it's the date, or fate. I don't know, but I am determined to make this one the best yet. Possibly even better than prom next year.

          A miracle has happened. It all started when I was in the market, glancing at the shelves, completely lost. I wasn't sure whether to get the mint toothpaste, or the minty. I mean one could be actual mint, while the other could be the essence of mint. Anyway, that's beside the point (but I picked minty by the way.) I glanced up at the the hanging signs, when I saw a sale on cotton balls. Curious for unknown reasons, I wandered over to that aisle to look at the white fluffs. I have NO idea why they have to create five different types of cotton balls, because it only confuses us guys. Well, I looked at the box of one intended for art projects, and then just a plain one. The plain one looked appealing enough, so I threw it in the basket, new thoughts rushing to my head by the second. At the check-out, a new girl was working there, and I was so excited by the recent idea, that I blurted out the start of a friendly conversation. "Hi. Nice day out huh?" I say, and she just looks up and nods uninterested. "I mean, it's cold, but other than that it's..... hey do you like snow?" I ask and a spark pops into her eyes. "Yeah. I used to get it all the time back home, and I really miss it here. Why?" she asks with a bit more flavor in her voice. "I don't know. Just making light conversation, and considering it IS winter, it seemed appropriate enough" I reply. Her face falls, and she returns her glance to the scanner. I guess she was disappointed by my answer, but I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I was honestly just making nice chitchat. "Thanks. Have a good day" I say when she hands me my bags, not only containing the boring items my mom wanted me to get like bread and carrots, but also a new inspiration.

                             December 18-22- April

          I FINALLY got my dress today. It's a really shiny silver, with a lace front and bottom hem, and flowing sleeves. It's super pretty, and the minute I saw it, I fell in love. Shoe wise...? Not so fortunate. I have like 7 pairs of shoes, but 4 of those are sneakers, 2 flip-flops, and 1 pair of really gawky and ugly heels my mom got me at this department store. They're a size too big, and they are pink with messy sequins that look like a five year old stuck them on. Basically, I'd choose flip-flops over them any day. I (being an organized person)  want to have everything I need and want planned out in separate columns. I need a hairstyle, and I'm thinking of a curled ponytail, or bun with a fake crystal headband. For jewelry, I'd like a simple pendant, nothing too fancy or dramatic, with dangly sparkle earrings.  Otherwise, I haven't done any serious planning I'll admit. Plus, I STILL do not have a date. I don't think as myself as desperate yet, I can muster up the courage and confidence to ask someone myself. From much of the locker room gossip, I discovered that most of the popular guys have dates, except for Jack. I don't even know him at all, so really there is no way I could ask him. And I'm not saying that I want a popular guy either. I'd probably be just as happy taking a nice, shy guy, that would be flattered to be asked for once. I just am tired of worrying all the time what's going to happen. I know for sure that no one is going to ask klutzy awkward me, and it's weighing on my self esteem. My mom always used to tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, and the most important opinion is your own. Really, in theory, that sounds perfectly sensible and relatively easy, but in reality, it's practically impossible. Just ignoring what everybody whispers and scribbles in their journal is almost like tuning out the whole world. I wonder if there is a girl somewhere in this world, who honestly does not have a paranoid bone in her whole body. If there is by some miracle, I'd really like to meet her. She may even become my new role model.

          One horrible thing about the holidays is that everybody gets all sentimental and nostalgic. It really makes me kind of nauseous when I see couples huddled together, their hands clutched to their chests, and smiles beaming bright in the crisp December sky. It’s probably jealousy that I have never had that and most likely never will. They giggle together, and look so happy, that I actually think they might have problem-less lives. Like they have always been without a worry, or they have never had a matter gnaw on their mind. They just stroll through parks and streets, pressed together and living for the moment. I never really had much enthusiasm about the holidays, maybe because my dad and I never do much. We sometimes go out caroling or he might bake something special, but usually we just have a few presents that hide under the tree's fresh smelling branches. I like to get my dad a book or a new ornament for the tree next year, simple stuff like that (this year a new pack of picks for his prized guitar) and he usually gets me about the same thing. The most extreme gift I ever got was the Christmas after my mother vanished, and trying to make up for the loss of the female parent, he got me a book about the birds and the bees. When I opened it, I remember feeling completely shocked and embarrassed. He purposely left the room at the time to "go make coffee" but I just bit my lip, and hid it under the couch cushion. I mean, really, how's a 9 year old supposed to react when they open such a gift? Go run up to her dad, hug him like mad, and squeal with happiness? Uh no.... I don't think so.

                             December 23-26-  Jess

          Tonight, the final result came. It was the day of the winter formal, possibly the biggest dance of the year. Everybody dressed their best, smothering on the cologne and reapplying the lipstick by the minute. I was more interested in my video game, at the highest level I've ever been before. My mom came in at 5:30, and leaned against the opening, crossing her arms, and wrinkling her forehead. "Jess.... honey" she began. "Yeah" I reply with no attention turning away from the game. "It's 5:30. The dance is in half an hour. Are you sure you don't want to be getting ready?" "Nah, I'm fine. I just need to throw on my clothes, and wet down my hair. 15 more minutes" I mutter, my eyes still fixated on the screen. If one interruption wasn't enough, the phone began ringing. I ignored it for 2 rings, and finally shouted exasperatedly at nobody "Pick up the phone!" Nobody didn't answer back. After 2 more persistent rings, I picked up and huffed "hello?" irritated. There was silence for a minute, and I was just about to hang up the phone when a little squeak erupted. "Hello?! Is anyone there?" I asked again, glancing back at my paused game, somehow afraid it would un-pause when I wasn't looking. "Yeah Jess, it's me. You know who me is right? I mean I am? Who I am" the voice stuttered.  I honestly had no clue, and I definitely wasn't planning on playing the guessing game. "No. I don't. Now, whoever you are, could you hurry this up? I'm a bit busy" I snapped, grabbing my controller, preparing to fall back into the game. There was another long pause, but finally the voice replied. "Never mind..... it.... it doesn't matter" the voice sounded hurt, offended. But it didn't concern me. I jerked the controller back and forth, until suddenly, there was a loud siren, and a low foghorn sound. "No. No!!!" I cried, smashing my head on the ground, and my fist in my lap. "How could this happen? I was doing so well!" I whined out loud. I picked myself up and turned off the tv. I'd have to start all over when I got home.

          I arrived at the dance with my date hanging off my arm. She smiled at everyone, giving a proud, arrogant wave. "Could you not do that? It's a little embarrassing" I mumbled under my breath. She looked caught off guard, and started pouting. "So basically what you're saying is that you're embarrassed of me? Is that it now Jess? Fine whatever. We're over!" she huffed, stomping into the hallway. "Olivia! We were never together!" I shouted after her, cupping my hands over my mouth for added enthusiasm. "Broken up again Jess? Wow, what is that, a daily affair now?" Jack added, as he joined me in walking to the concession stand. "Shut up man. It's not funny. That girl I swear......" Jack just chuckled, grabbing a drink. "Well, although it's not much to compare to, my date is preeeetttty fiiinnne if you know what I'm saying" he laughed, nudging my shoulder. I roll my eyes, not interested. "You say that about every girl who walks by you Jack. Who is it this time?" I play along for the sake of it. "I don't remember her name. She's a new girl, just moved here this year." My eyes fell to the floor, my hands flew to my pockets, and my breath lingered. "Is it.... Hayden?" I asked, putting her first in my words but not in my thoughts. "Yeah, I think that's her name. Dark blonde hair?" he asks, and I feel the lump rising in my throat shatter. I nod, and he nods back. "Yep that's her. She's not bad right?" he asks for my approval. I just shrug.

          On the dance floor, the heat is penetrating off people's bodies and into a whirlwind above our heads. My face is dripping with sweat, partly from my long-sleeved tux. Sure it's December, but in here, it feels like August. "I'll be right back" I shout over the loud music. Nobody seems to hear me or notice as I slip outside. The burst of cold air feels good on my hot face, and I settle down to slump my back to the wall. "You're warm too?" comes a voice. My head snaps around, not expecting to see anybody, let alone April. "Yeah, it's steaming in there. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight" I say honestly. She furrows her brow. "And what is THAT supposed to mean? I have a date you know!" she brags, heavy on the attitude again. "April, don't get mad. There's nothing to be mad about. I just meant that I didn't think you liked dances. That you were the type of girl that detested school supported events and stuff......" I explain, and the tense muscles in her face relax. "Wha .. wait... you have a date? Who?!" I demand, trying to sound casual.

"Doesn't matter. Sorry for getting all..." she doesn't finish her sentence but I understand what she wanted to say. "Hey, I don't want to upset you April, but would you mind leaving me alone for a bit? There is something I need to do."

                             December 23-24- April

          Life is incredible. Life is a miracle. I don't know what I did in my past life to deserve such an amazing night, but apparently, I did some heroic act, because what happened tonight was...... unbelievable. Literally. I had to pinch myself over and over again just to make sure my eyes were working right. When I stepped back outside, after the dancing was over and the punch bowl was sucked dry, I almost fainted. It was something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams. The school was covered in white powder, a thousand sparkles dazzling on each square inch. The path leading to the parking lot was dancing with pride, soft cotton balls smothered together, and hugging the ground. There were piles and piles of white, up to my knee almost, each decorated with tiny crystal balls, and their hooks grasping to the flimsy fiber. My legs immediately gave way, forcing me to plop to my knees, and be supported only by what appeared as..... snow. A few guys came out after me, and gave approving "whoa dudes" to each other. A few girls followed, and immediately started shrieking. Apparently their hairspray was cutting off oxygen to their brains, because they thought it was real, that's how good it looked. They squealed, picked up their legs, and started whining to each other. "Racheal! I'm going to get my heels all snowy!!" and "Tom, pick me up! I don't want my dress to drag in the snow!" I was too amazed to be entertained by their stupidity. Then, Jess came out. He didn't say anything at all, but just walked around, taking it all in. He nodded every now and then, gave a satisfied smile, and started walking to his car. When he saw me still attached to the ground, he rushed over. "April!!! Are you okay? What happened? Should I get someone?!?!" he cried, taking my elbow and hoisting me up. "Oh Jess, I'm fine. Thank you, I’m just overwhelmed is all. I just.... I'm so..." I stuttered, still in disbelief. "You like it?" he asked, actually sounding curious. "Like it? I love it! I more than love it, I....."  I started to laugh and cry at the same time. "I'm glad. It was hard" he revealed, and unconsciously, I grabbed his arm. "JESS! You did this? This amazing thing? This miracle?" I cried, and he just smiled slyly. "Yeah, I did. But don't tell anyone all right? I just want to...." he began, until Olivia started running down the path, dress trailing behind her. "Jess honey!" she began, immediately planting a huge kiss on his lips. He kind of pulled back a little bit, and I instantly felt embarrassed. I could have just walked away, but I didn't want to. I wanted to..... slap her. How rude is it to be talking in a conversation, and then just have someone invade it, and rudely butt in?! "When I saw those cotton balls and all that craft stuff in your car, I'll admit, I did think you might have been a bit crazy. But just now, seeing this it's...." but I cleared my throat, already my adrenaline rising. "Excuse me!" I muttered, trying to make my voice louder. But it was loud enough. She turned around, and pointed her chin up. "Hello? Did you not just see me talking to my boyfriend here?" Jess just stood there, looking helpless. "Yeah I did. But did you not see ME talking to him before you rudely interrupted us honey?" I replied, trying to stand higher and more confidently. She scoffed, and slit her eyes, and I'll admit, my so called confidence shrunk a little. "Yes, actually I did. But seeing your five dollar dress on the clearance rack at some poor store that you will claim as thrifty, I figured that it couldn't have been anything important. I was kind of surprised to not see you pull out a hat and beg him for money actually" she said strongly. Now, you must understand, I'm NOT a baby. I'm just.... sensitive. And when she basically told me that I was a pity case, I started to feel my eyes well up. She just smiled evilly, like some evil person would, and although my pathetic attempts at speaking didn't count as a comeback, I felt horrible. Absolutely horrible. Like someone just punched me in the stomach and all the air had been knocked out of me.  "Olivia! What is wrong with you?!" Jess cried, stepping back from her. He could see the sadness and pain in my face. Immediately, I felt my low spirits fly a little bit higher. Olivia, who was drowning in all of her glory, looked taken-a-back. Like she in no way expected her "boyfriend" to defend the "poor girl." She squeaked, obviously hurt that her knight in shining armor had just turned his horse around. "April, I'm sorry about her. She can be real CRUEL sometimes" he spat at her. "Would you like a ride home?"

          This was my first time in Jess's car.  He looked embarrassed, when I picked up a tissue off the seat and flung it in the back. "I'm sorry. About her especially. I don’t even know where to begin. And.... I'm not her boyfriend, just for the record. I mean, she's not my girlfriend" he said as soon as he turned on the ignition. I just shut my mouth and nodded obediently. I was flattered that he was clearing this up, like it was something I needed to know. "I mean, I did this because I wanted to know what it would feel like to have snow.... or the essence of snow. She has to ruin everything for me in one way or another" he cried exasperated, and suddenly, turned off the car. There was silence in the cool December winds. "Jess? You have to start the engine to make the car go.” He laughed just like I expected him to. "I know. But, instead, I have a better idea than just going home" he said, and his new mysterious tone intrigued me. "Jess? What are you thinking?" He just let his smile spread across his face, and stepped out of the car, opening my door, and leading me by the hand. "Jess! What are we doing?" I cried, as he pulled me back through the parking lot. He keeps going though, not running at full speed, but a fast enough jog. "April, would you just shut up and trust me for once?" he cried, and although I knew that he didn't mean it offensively, I still snapped my mouth close, and let him pull me through the darkness.

                             December 23-24- Jess

          I was pretty pleased with the end result. And so was Olivia. And April. I was kind of surprised when I saw her starting to cry. I have never seen April cry before. Most people have their eyes get all puffy and their noses start to run. They look so pitiful. But not April. I have never seen a human cry the way she does. Her eyes get all glassy and big, and they don't blink. They just let tears silently run from down her flushed cheeks. Her lip trembles a little, and her face is blank. She just looks paralyzed. This is for no other ears all right? Not to be repeated. But.... she looks really beautiful when she cries. Like some silent movie star. I was close to freaking out when I saw her get that upset. So, I offered to take her home. I thought that would be the right thing to do,  I mean I have this girl crying in front of me, I can't just leave her there! So, I take her out to my car, and right when I was about to drive away from the winter wonderland I created, I turned off the motor. I jumped out the door, and started pulling her back through the parking lot. Everybody was gone by now, all the chaperones had left for home and let the "mess" (as they called it later) be. When I got to the crosswalk, I started running at full speed, and she was kind of clanking along behind me. Her heels were colliding on the pavement, and you could hear her dress flapping in the wind. "Jess! Jess what are we doing?" she kept shouting. I took her back to the front of the school covered in art supplies, let go of her hand, and crashed into a pile of cotton balls. Sure, it didn't really feel exactly like snow should, but it was a pretty good substitute. And it may not sound that fairy-tale like, but it was. Believe me, it was. April started crying all over again, and crashed next to me. I moved over to my side to look at her fully. She was lying flat on her back, looking into the sky, all dreamily and her cheeks were blotted with tears. Her mascara was running a little, and you could see the smudges underneath her eyes where she had wiped it away.  She suddenly broke from her gaze, and turned to look at me. "Why did you save me from evil Olivia?" she asks. "She was being rude, and you didn't deserve it. I had to intervene" I reply, and she starts to laugh. "Intervene? Wow, Jess, I really am working wonders." She keeps on giggling, and I just nudge her arm.  "Okay, you can stop laughing now!” But she paid me no mind.  Instead, she stopped for a second and sighed contentedly. "This. You and me? I think we're having a moment."

          I drove her home in my pathetic excuse for a car, and  I stopped at the sidewalk to let her off. "Thank you Jess. You'll never know how much this night meant to me" she whispered, grabbing her purse, and leaning one foot out the door. "April?" I say, and she pauses to look back. I hesitate for a second, but she doesn't walk away. "I'm glad this night was special for you. Seeing you happy, it was all worth missing most of the dance." Then, like dominos, I see a light turn on in her face. She smiles warmly, puts out her hand and says, "Jess, would you like to dance with me?" The radio is off, but I quickly snap it on, scrolling through the stations. But there is nothing on! I am frantic, smashing the buttons and praying for at least one song to change. She starts laughing, and I shoot her an apologetic smile. "You know what Jess? Forget it. Maybe for prom" she says, just as I'm about to step out of the car. I'm so confused then, I don't know what she is trying to do. She starts giggling like crazy, running down the sidewalk and about five houses down, she hops up the steps to her house, turning to look back at me. I know I'm standing like a moron, completely dazed about what just happened, but she stares at me and smiles mysteriously. "Good bye Jess!" she shouts down the stairs, and a neighbor's light turns on. April just runs in her house, and a woman with curlers in her hair screams out her window, threatening me with her blow dryer. I just dash into the car and slam on the gas pedal, driving away from a night that was sure to be remembered.

                                      December 25-30- April

          Christmas was just average this year, like all other years. My dad attempted to cook a turkey, and it just kind of exploded in a cloud of black smoke. So instead, we went to the only open store with edible food, Larry's. I absolutely hate that place because Larry is a 35 year old pervert who lives with his parents. Every time a girl goes into the place he snickers sickeningly and stares at her ass. But, like I said, since it was the only store open (because he basically does not have a life) we had no other option except to starve, or live off the condiments in our fridge. The place was deserted like always, and we bought the essentials, milk, bread, eggs, a snickers bar. At the counter, I noticed a picture of a brown haired kid, missing 2 teeth, and proudly holding a fish up in the air. I cleared my throat, and got up the nerve to talk to Larry for the first time ever. I don’t know why, but this kid interested me. There was something in his eyes that was so intriguing. "Who is the kid?” I asked with as much confidence in my voice as I could muster. He started staring at the picture, and chuckling. "Ah. That's Christian, before......" and for the first time ever, Larry actually looked solemn, without showing all of his fillings. "Before what? What happened?" I asked, raising my voice. My father just walked out to the car with the bags, and waited in the driver's seat for me to stop socializing with the neighborhood sex offenders. "He uh, he got put in the slammer. He stole a car for his brother, that's what I heard anyway.” "Are you sure? Jess asked him to steal a car for him?" I cried, and Larry looked surprised. "Oh, you know that family? Luckily Christian didn't squeal on his little brother for putting him up to it, but yeah. He's in jail now. And Jess never comes in here anymore. I guess seeing his brother happy is too much for him. I don't really know the whole story" he said, flashing me his blinding grin. I started dashing out the door, and into the car. My dad looked startled. "Honey?...." he said gently, but I just screamed. I was going out of my mind. "Start the damn car dad!"

          Jess called me today. Apparently he remembered Winter Formal. "Hey, is this April?" he asked when I picked up the phone. "Yes" I said coldly, but he didn't seem to notice. "Hi! What are you doing for New Years? There is this party, and it's supposed to be a blast" he began, and  I knew he was asking me to go. Not like this happens all the time or anything. "I don't think I'll be able to make that actually Jess. Apologies" I said, my voice so even toned, and emotionless that not a hammer could break it. "April? Are you okay? Did something happen?" he asked, concerned. But I didn't reply. I simply put down the phone and walked calmly down the hall to my room. Almost immediately, the phone started ringing again. "Hold all calls for me dad!" I cried from my room. "I don't feel like talking to anyone right now."

          "Hey A, do you want to do anything for New Years? Unless you're planning on going to some party or something" he said, and I instantly knew he had been eavesdropping on my conversation earlier. "No Dad. I don't wish to go to any parties this year" I snapped. "Uh, that's not what I told Jess....." he apologized, and I just felt like slapping him. That is so angry I was. I mean, honestly it was not his fault that Jess was a complete liar, and he only wanted me to have a good time. He didn’t know what roller coaster of feelings I was on. But still..... "I'll just have to call him and tell him my plans have changed then!" I cried, dashing to the phone that very second. "But uh.... that'd be a problem too honey. You see, Jess went with his parents to visit their relatives up north. He said he'll be back in time to pick you up tomorrow." I just wanted to explode. I felt my eyes ignite, and my gasp being shortened, like an accordion having all it's air squeezed out. But I knew that I had no choice. I would have to go with Jess to that stupid New Years Party.

                             December 25-31-  Jess

          I didn't know what was wrong with April when I called her today. Maybe she got amnesia or something and forgot about winter formal. But when I answered the phone, she practically bit my head off. I, trying my best to continue being polite, just shrugged it off. So, I started to casually ask her to go to a party on New Years Eve with me. All of a sudden, all formally and cold, she hung up on me. I mean, she said no and everything, but she was just so..... angry. So, I called back later. Her dad answered, and I'd never talked to her dad before, so it was kind of uncomfortable. I said hi, and he said hi, and then there was silence. He wasn't mean or anything, but it was most definitely awkward. "Did you..... want to talk to April?" "No. I mean, no thank you. Just.... tell her, I really want her to go with me to a New Years Party. I already asked her, but for some reason, she was really unpleasant, so I thought I'd give it another shot. Could you do that? She doesn't need to call me back" I said, and right after he agreed, I hung up. I don't like talking to girls' parents. They act like the only thing I want from their daughter is a date, which really isn't the case. All I want is company to the party. Somebody to hang out with. And that person CERTAINLY isn't Olivia.

          So, I took her to the party. When I arrived, she was still in a rotten mood. She only said the necessary things to me, and I felt SO weird standing next to her, and listening to the clock tick, without saying anything. "Do you want to go now?" I asked finally, and she just shrugged, pursing her lips, and pushing past me for the door. Although I was frustrated with her funk, I turned around to give her father an appreciative smile, as if to say, Thanks for letting me take your daughter out. I know you probably hate me, singly because I'm a guy, let alone a teenage guy. But I really am not trying to get in her pants. He just nodded, all solemn just like April.

          On the way to the party, she remained silent and cold. Finally, I burst. "What is wrong with you? You've been acting sour for days" I snapped, and her eyes grew wide and her lips formed a set frown. "Do you have any idea what a moron you are?!" she just cried, and I almost turned around the car. I know that's a little.... old for my age, like that's what mothers do when her children are ripping each other's hair out, but I was so angry with her for ruining my mood. "No, actually, I'm not aware of that. Please inform me on my clear ignorance" I said, puffing out my chest and keeping my eyes to the road. April just scoffed. "See? You're just proving my point. I went to Larry's a week ago" she began. "Oh, so now you are seeing Larry? Just how low are your standards April?!" I could see her eyes fill with fiery tears, and she screamed, at the top of her lungs "I HATE YOU JESS! I HATE THAT YOU LIED TO ME. THAT YOU'RE PRACTICALLY AN ACCOMPLICE IN YOUR BROTHER'S CRIME!!!" I almost lost control of the car. "What are you talking about?!!?" I shouted back. "Don't play dumb! Larry told me all about how you put Christian up to it. To stealing that car!!!” After that, I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled the car to the side of the road, unbuckled my seat belt, practically shoved her out of the seat, and made her look me in the eye. "I do not know what in the world you're talking about. What my brother did ruined our whole family. Did you know my father hasn't hugged me since he first saw Christian in that cell, three years ago? Did you know that my brother was my best friend? That he was the one who told me how to talk to girls, and even let me ride in the back seat once, covered in his football jersey while he was on a date? I promise you, that in no way, I had any involvement on his impulse. It was the end of homecoming, and he had just scored the winning touchdown. He was at an ultimate high, something no drug in the world could have given him. He got in his car with a couple of buddies, drove downtown, and randomly chose a car to hijack. Little did he know that the driver was just about to put groceries in the trunk, they instantly called the police, and had fast enough reflexes to make a note of Christian's face. The rest is obvious. But if you got this from Larry, that stupid disgusting pig, don't believe him. I swear to you, that I would never lie about this." April just nodded, looking back at me still, with an ashamed look on her face. "Now, let's go to that party.”

                   December 31- January 1- April

          Jess really surprised me. I admit, I always try to have a positive outlook on things, but I had no intention of having the least bit of fun at that party. But on the way there, Jess confronted me in his car, and we got it all sorted out. I feel really embarrassed that I even believed that pig Larry in the first place. I also felt bad that I got Jess stirred up, that I put salt on old wounds. But the rest of the way there, things were normal. When we arrived, Jack instantly jumped up from the couch and pulled Jess away to the basement, and I just kind of loitered. I took small steps around the whole house, observing people like I had a place. Like I belonged. After a while, Jess remembered who he brought to the party and came back upstairs. "Hey April, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to abandon you up here" he said, as I just smiled. "No, it's okay. Socialize with your friends if you want. I know I would too..... if I had any" I said, and he looked embarrassed. "You have friends April. Hey, you have me" he smiled, and somehow he knew, that that was just what I wanted to hear.

          After the bathroom line had been stretched to the door, and the paper cups had been tossed around the room, their precious liquid soaking into the carpet, Jess and I went outside. Most of the people had already left, but there was still a few around. The music was turned way down now, and you could barely hear the pleasant hum of it. I wasn't surprised that Jess didn't ask me to dance all night. I know he was still uncomfortable about winter formal, when I had turned him down. I hoped I hadn't hurt his pride too bad, but secretly I loved keeping him on his toes. We got back in the car, and he drove me home, remaining silent all the way, except to sing along quietly to the current song on the radio. As I was pulling the seat belt across my chest, Jess suddenly caught my hand. I looked up, frozen in place. "April....." he cooed leaning forward. The alcohol on his breath was pungent, and I turned my cheek as he tried for a kiss. "Jess, stop it" I muttered as his fingers played with my hair. He pulled back, his eyes burning with a rage I had never seen before. It frightened me. "Jess, I'm sorry. It's just, you're not in the right state....." Out of nowhere, his fingers which were once affectionate, struck my face. He said nothing, but just pounded on the gas pedal, and sped away. My lip trembled with shock, and my cheek burned. Red was streaked across my once pale skin, and I just sunk to the front door to soak it all in for a few moments. I wasn't in the mood to be asked how the party was. My face was evidence enough.

                   January 1/2?-4- Jess

          I don't know what happened. All I can remember is being wheeled into the hospital room in a stretcher, and my face feeling numb. I struggled to look down, and the top of my shirt was soaked with blood. Calls were being made over the intercom, and sirens were screaming in the distance. My mom was squeezing my hand, but that was the only thing that hurt. I peered through my swollen eyes, and my dad was strolling along behind me, his mouth set and his eyes flaming. I felt a nurse's hand resting on my shoulder, as she urgently pushed me through the doors, and kept running down the hall. After that, I blacked out. When I woke up, everything was much clearer. I had a vase of flowers beside my bed, and my mother was sitting down in a chair near the window. She was intensely staring out of it, at nothing in particular I could tell, and she was sobbing. I craned my neck to look out the door at my father was talking to a doctor. He kept nodding his head and looking at the floor solemnly. My mother, hearing the annoying creak of the headboard, jumped up. "HONEY!" she screamed, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and squeezing. My dad rushed in with the doctor, but he didn't smile. Not at all. He turned his head away, and looked at me like a piece of trash. The doctor gave me a pat on the hand, and glanced again at her clipboard. "You were a very lucky boy Jess. You could have gotten off with a lot worse than a few cuts and bruises. You could have died, but having your seat belt on saved your life" she said, turning to my parents. "I'll leave you folks to talk with your son." Immediately my mom let go of her death grip and slapped me. It wasn't hard, but it made my cheek burn a little. My dad remained silent. "Mom!" I cried surprised, bringing my hand to my cheek. "I'm sorry Jessie, but you deserved it. You scared me half to death! You could have...." she starts sobbing, and my dad pats her hand lightly. "Look what you have done. You and your stupid parties! You're just like your brother, you know that? You're going to end up just like him. A nobody" he hisses, and my eyes sting more then cheek does. I inhibit myself to replying with a comeback, and I just turn over in the bed to my side. I have a slice in my thigh where the keys in my pocket dug into my skin, and I can feel a bruise forming on my upper arm. My father walks out, expecting my mother to follow. But for the first time ever, she is defiant, almost involuntarily. She plops down on her chair again, and continues to stare out the window. She only looks over at me once, and her forehead is tired with nervous creases. Her cheeks are soaked like a wet sheet with tears, and her lip trembles. "How could you Jess?! How could you...." she whispers, barely audible. I just shake my head. I don't know. It was a mistake!, I want to cry. I look at the palm of my hand, and it's covered in glitter and tan foundation. I want desperately to ask my mom why I have makeup on my hand, but I don't want to disturb her or make her any madder than she already is.

          My phone starts ringing later that night, and I quickly snatch it before my mom can claim it. "Hello?" I say groggily, faking a little incase it's a teacher calling to check up on me. There is silence on the other end, and in a few seconds I hear the dial tone. "Who was that Jess?" squeaks my mom as she looks at me for one of the first times that. I just shrug and fool with my hospital bracelet. She returns to her original stance, and my dad walks in. "Come on. We should leave for the night" he says, reaching for my mom's elbow. She hangs her head down, like she's going to court and trying to avoid the cameras, and comes up to me right before they leave. "Jess, I am so thankful that you're alive, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you to doubt that you are loved. Your father and I will come back tomorrow morning, okay? Jessie? I love you" she says, and my parents leave me alone in the dark hospital room. The headlights of passing cars flash on my ceiling, and the tree branch outside my window moves with the wind. It's shadow makes an eerie shape on my wall, and I slink farther into bed. "Why Jess? Why do you suck at life?" I say aloud to myself. The silence is my only response.

          The next morning, my parents are there, as promised. "Here Jess" my father grunts as soon as I wake up, shoving a pamphlet at me. "What's this?" I ask, leafing through it quickly. "That is Gainesville, Florida" he informs me. "Thanks Dad. I couldn't read the cover." He shoots me a warning look, and I can see his hand tense up, ready for battle. Not having to say anything, I mumble an apology. "What I mean, is why are you showing me a brochure for a town in Florida?" I ask, and he looks at my mom uncomfortably. "Uh son..... we're thinking maybe it'd be in your best interest if you took a break. You know, get some fresh outlook. Aunt Julie and Uncle Pat live in Gainesville, and we thought you could go to visit them for a while" he says, as gently as his rough voice will allow. "YOU'RE SENDING ME AWAY?!?!" I scream, and my mother starts fretting and whimpering nervously. "Calm down boy. We're just letting you go visit your relatives for a little bit. You can maybe go to college there, the university is right in town you know. And for high school, well, I'm sure they have some schools nearby. I've already called your Aunt, and she assures me she'd love to have you" he says, and I start to peel off my hospital bracelet. "What are you doing?!?!!?!" my mom cries, grasping my wrists. "NO! I'm not letting you send me away. I'm not letting you get rid of me just like you got rid of Christian!!!!" I angrily shout, and continue to attempt to pull off the bracelet. "Stop making a scene boy! You're going to get the nurses in here and you are going to cause a huge commotion. Calm down, nothing is set in stone yet." "I hate you! I hate you!!!!! You should be ashamed of yourselves!" I shriek, thrashing around in the bed. "JESS! Calm down!" my father cries, and my mother continues to pace around the room, her fingers in her ears, humming and sobbing. "NO!!!!! I HATE YOU!" "Nurse!!! Nurse get in here!" he calls, and an army of nurses and doctors, rush in a minute later. "Shhhh, calm down. It's all right. Shhh....." they hush, and that just sets me off even more. "No, it's not all right! Do you know what these disgraceful people are doing to me!?!? LET ME GO! NO! LET GO OF ME!" I thrash, kicking away the nurses that try to hold down my feet. I bite the doctor's hand that restrains my hands, and she gives a pained cry.

          This was not how I wanted to spend my day, believe me. I assume the responsibility of saying the same for the doctors and nurses. As for my parents, I could care less. And really, in all honesty,  I'm not entirely sure. I doubt their sanity now actually. They might have gotten pleasure out of watching me freak out. I don't even know who they are anymore. They might as well have been strangers on the street. Because from that day on, I refuse to talk to them ever again.

                             January 2-5- April

          I was tempted to call Mr. Yamine as soon as I got through the door. At first I was in shock about what Jess did to me, and then I was sad, and then the sadness turned to anger. My dad was luckily preoccupied with the news, and I could hear the comforting murmur coming from the bathroom. "Hi honey. How was the party?" he called, as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I am afraid that if I say anything, I might burst into tears. So, I just squeak "fine" at a tone I can barely hear myself. My dad mutes the television, and shouts out again. "It was fine!" I call, and I can tell he is satisfied with the response because the pleasant voice of the news reporter speaks again. I wipe my eyes with a tissue, as my mascara is leaking down onto my cheeks. My face is still streaked with a fierce red, and I touch it gently. The sting makes me wince. I realize that I can't leave the bathroom until I either look better, or my dad leaves, because the stairs leading to my room are in the path of the living room. So, I choose to sit down on the toilet seat, and my heavy head unwillingly collapses in my hands. My temples throb with stress, worry, and confusion, and my leg jiggles with nervousness. I don't know how to react. I think about all the shows I've watched that talk about abuse, from your boyfriend or parents or whatever. All the hotlines we’ve gotten in Health for anonymous reporting. But I hardly qualify one strike as abuse. It only happened one time, and my anger soon turns to sadness again. I want to forgive Jess, I really do, but the mark on my cheek won't let me. I don't even hear the phone ring, I am so absorbed in all this drama. But I do hear footsteps approaching, and the door creaks open. Without thinking, I lift up my head, and my dad looks shocked. "April honey? What's wrong?" he asks, the concern touching in his voice. I wipe my mascara again, suddenly self conscious of my blotchy face. "Nothing. Just leave me alone." The out of the norm coldness towards my father makes him even more interested. "Well, I can't make you tell me what happened. But if I have any common sense, I think that since you just got back, something happened with Justin or at the party." "HIS NAME IS JESS DAD!!!" I scream, which makes me sob even more. "Okay, so with my detective work, I determine that something happened with Jess. What did he do? Did he try something?” "No Dad. Just...... give me some space okay? I'll be all right. I just need space" I say as calmly as I can, and his raised eyebrows lower and his creased forehead smoothes. "All right honey, if you say so. But April, I just got a phone call from the hospital. They say that Jess got into an accident tonight. Ran into a telephone pole. He's not in too bad of shape, but his parents wanted to contact you to let you know that he cannot attend his tutoring lessons for a few days." I never thought I could go through so many emotions in one night. The sadness ache of my heart twists, and drops to my stomach. I fight the urge to shout out the dramatic WHAT?! because I know that will only attract more attention and make my dad even more worried. "Thanks for letting me know" I mutter, and he reluctantly leaves. I rise, wipe my eyes again, and go up to my room. I am not the type of person to wish for death as an angry vengeance, or even a hospital scare. So when I heard my friend, or ex-friend is in the hospital, I can only expect to react with even more sadness. This is not how I wanted to start off my new year. 

                             January 5-8- Jess

          The hospital room is not as depressing as people say. It’s worse. I am officially done with white, and all first aid kits make me shiver. I am so tired of people asking me how I’m feeling, of the nurses hustling into my room without so much as a knock. I am tired of wires running from my wrists into these big, whirring machines. Oh, and if you care to know, I am not moving to Gainesville. I don’t care what my parents say, it does not matter what happens. Because under no circumstance, will I let them haul me away. I will kick and scream and bite anybody and anything I need to. This is no longer a problem. As for how our relationship is, it is completely a lost cause. I don’t see how parents can treat their children this way. To send your own offspring across the country, that isn’t right, that can’t be legal. I haven’t really talked to them since the news. I only say the absolute necessities, and simple answers. I have never felt so alone in my life. Barely anybody has come to visit me. Only Coach, my cousin, and a couple guys from the team have seen me since the accident. Coach looked uncomfortable as he stood next to my bed. “Hey Jess. How are you holding up?” he asks immediately. I just shrug, not putting on a false front. “Oh. Well, you’ll get better. I uh.... have something I need to discuss with you.” “I know I can’t play for a while. I need to just take it easy, the nurses have already given me this lecture. But thanks for coming Coach.” He squirms even more, pulling his hat over his eyes. “Uh, Jess, it’s a bit more serious than that. I uh... don’t want to have to do this to you, but I don’t have a choice. Uh...” he begins, and his sudden nervous tone has got me shivering with fear. “The principal talked to me yesterday, and uh... he told me that I need to cut you. You can’t play anymore Jess.” Until now, I didn’t really think I could get any lower. I guess I was wrong. My already broken heart broke even more, my twisted stomach just became tighter. “WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” I cry, which makes him fidget even more. “I’m sorry Jess. I really am. You know I wouldn’t do this on my own, but it’s my job. I can’t risk getting fired just for one player Jess. You know that.” “But I’m not just another player Coach. I have been with you since freshman year. I was there when the parents petitioned against you for missing practices, and when you were sick with leukemia. I can’t believe you are doing this to me” I snap. “I guess I’m gonna.....” he says, as he starts toward the door.  “Hey Jess, how are you doing? Feeling woozy, dizzy at all?” asks the nurse as she waddles in, pushing past him. A set of needles are pinned at her waist, like a gun to a cop. “Nah, I’m fine.” She nods, but all the same, starts checking my pulse. “When am I going to get out of here?” I ask, and the nurse just shrugs. “I don’t know Jess. Depends on how you act. Right now you seem fine, but your little outburst the other day made us have second thoughts. It could be anywhere from a couple more days to a couple weeks” she says, and I just feel even more drained. “All right, I’ll be back later tonight to check up on you.” “Great!” I mutter sarcastically, but the nurse seems not to notice. A couple weeks? Gainesville, Florida?! Being cut from the team?!? Oh no. No way.

                                      January 5-9-April

          I can’t help but feel sorry for Jess. My anger has diminished to a sad disappointment. I trusted him, and I guess part of that can be considered my fault for misjudging the person. Don’t get me wrong, I am not normally so naive. But Jess, he was different. I had never felt like I did when I was with him before. It wasn’t just his smooth ways, but he got me. He was funny, and polite, and a really genuine person. Or so I thought. So, I did what I normally do in these tough situations. I talk to my dad. I always thought he should be a minister or something, because he always gives the best advice. I could come to him with anything, a solution for cancer, and he would have an answer for me. So, a few days after he asked what was wrong, I broke down.  I explained it all just like he thought I would. I can’t help that I’m so predictable. “Hey Dad? I need some uh... advice” I say that evening, as we’re eating dinner. It can be a little lonely sometimes, just the two of us. But we get on just fine. He remains silent, but I can tell from his anxious eyes that he is dying to ask if it’s about the other night when he walked in on my breakdown. “It’s about Jess. The night of the party, he uh..... he did something I didn’t want to do. Or at least not at that time. So, I turned away and he...... he slapped me” I say, and I can see him trying to remain neutral but anger is seeping out at the edges. “He slapped you?! How could... I’m going to....” he begins, but I give him my warning face. I have perfected it to a T. “All right, I’m sorry”  he sighs. “Thank you. What I want to know is what I should do. Now he’s in the hospital, and I feel like I should go see him, but I’m still a little bit angry” I say, and he nods. “Well, this situation might be different if it was another kid, and not my own. I know you don’t like me to make it so personal, and you just want straightforward stuff, so that’s what I’m going to tell you. I believe in second chances, April. For whatever reason, maybe what he did that night was a mistake. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. He is after all in the hospital, and I bet he’d love to see you” he says, and I swell with pride. My dad always knows just the thing to say. “Thanks Dad. I won’t be long!” I cry, grabbing the keys off of the counter and dashing for the car. I glance at the clock. It’s already past seven, which does not leave me long. I have to hurry.

                   January 9-14- Jess

                   I didn’t really know how to react when April came to visit me today. It was a surprise, surely. “Hey April!” I croaked when she closed the door behind her. Her face was stressed, and I could see an uneven color on her right cheek. “Hi Jess” she whispers, and she looks down at the floor, just like Coach did. Or I guess now, he is Mr. Anderson. “Guess who just came to see me yesterday? Coach Anderson. He says I can’t play anymore. That the principal won’t let me. Can you believe it? My baseball life is over!” “That sucks. I’m sorry” she says dully. I pause for a second during venting. I noticed that she seems sad, absent minded. But I try to shrug it off. “I haven’t even told my dad yet. He’’ll be devastated. Probably even more than I am.” “Jess? Are you just slow, or are you beating around the bush? Because I want to just get to it, all right? I don’t have much time” she says, taking me by surprise. “What are you talking about?” I ask, and she rolls her eyes. “Gosh Jess, maybe you really are that forgetful. Here, I’ll put it in simplest forms, all right?” she begins, and I feel hurt by her sudden snappy words. “On New Years? On the way home from the party?” she says indignantly. “What happened?” I ask again, and she throws up her hands in frustration. “YOU SLAPPED ME JESS. YOU SLAPPED ME ACROSS THE CHEEK WHEN YOU TRIED TO KISS ME AND I TURNED AWAY” she screams, her voice cracking. “April..... I’m sorry. I honestly, truly, do not remember this. If you didn’t hear, I crashed my car into a telephone poll! My head hit the dashboard, and later on in the week, the nurses told me that I may not remember any recent stuff. But that they didn’t see a serious concussion” I say, and the fiery blaze inside her eyes is extinguished a little. “Jess, I’m sorry too. I just, can’t believe you’d do something like that to me. I’m still in shock. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m disappointed....” she says solemnly. “So, I slapped you? I struck your cheek when I went for a kiss, and you weren’t feeling it?” I repeat, surprised at myself. Why would I do that? Why would I act like such a disgusting pig? “Yeah, that’s what you did. It was after the New Years party, and I guess you had too much to drink. It was on the way home, and I was just about to go back to my house, when.....” she pauses, and I can see her struggle to continue. “I pulled the seat belt across my chest, and you caught my hand. You started to lean in, but I told you that you weren’t chemically balanced to make such a decision, and that’s when...” “I slapped you” I finish. I still can’t clearly remember what happened, but I guess I can’t deny that I had some... mild feelings for April before the accident. “April, I’m so sorry. It makes it hard when I don’t know what happened, because I can’t remember it. But to think that I would do such a horrible thing to you, to anybody.... that... just makes me embarrassed to be me” I say, and she makes an effort at a shaky smile. “Thanks Jess. I guess, it’s not really your fault. I mean, it is. But, you weren’t yourself. That’s what alcohol does to you. And although you hurt me, not only physically, but my feelings also, I can forgive you. Because I know you are better than that night. You are better than what you did to me” she says, all saint-like. “Did you practice that on the car ride here?” I ask jokingly. “No! No, of course not! I practiced it in the lobby” she giggles, and I just smile. Things were back to normal. At least, with April. I can’t really say the same about the rest of my life.

                   January 9-14- April

          I was pretty satisfied with how everything turned out. I was glad that we didn’t get into a screaming fight, and bring any attention to ourselves. I was much more cheerful after I left the hospital. They always make me feel depressed anyway. All the patients just sit in their beds doing nothing all day except watching soaps. They know that they are going to die, no matter how bad off they are. You can see it in their eyes, even with a quick glance. It’s not necessarily a fear, more like an acceptance. Like they are just waiting for the moment. And what made me even more happy is what I saw. Or actually, didn’t see. Because I knew, right away, when I looked into Jess’s eyes, that he didn’t have it. Sure, he wasn’t his normal confident, somewhat cheerful self. But there was a burning desire, a spark that was determined not to go out. I’m not saying he was going to die. He was not even close enough to consider it. But he was passionate and determined, and you could tell that this was not the place for him. 

          Today I got a call from Jess. I didn’t recognize the number on the caller ID at first, so I was hesitant to pick up the phone. “Hello?” Jess immediately spoke up. “Hi, April. It’s me” he said. “Who is me?” I asked, not really knowing anybody outside of family whose voice I recognized well enough to pin point right off. “Jess. Do you remember who I am? The poor boy in the hospital?” he asked. I just laughed. It was Jess all right. “Oh yeah. I remember you vaguely. The not too bright boy who needed a brilliant tutor. From what I hear, she’s pretty too. And nice, and sweet.....”  “All right, enough tooting your own horn. I called you for a reason. Since I don’t know when I’ll be getting out of the hospital, I thought that we could do our sessions over the phone. Would that work for you? God knows I have enough time in this boring hospital” he said. It didn’t really take much consideration. To be honest, I had missed Jess. I guess I didn’t really realize how much I enjoyed being with him. Or enjoyed his company. DO NOT misinterpret this. “Sure Jess. That would be fine with me. When do you want to do it?” I asked. “Whenever. Like I said, I’m pretty much free Monday-Sunday, 24 hours. So, whatever works for you is most likely fine with me” he says. So I take out my schedule book, and jotted down our times. I’m not likely going to forget them anyway. Not when they’re something I burn in my head.

          So today, we had our first over the phone tutoring session. “All right, April. Your new tutor name is Ms. Teacher” he said proudly. I scoffed, disappointed in his lack of creativity. “Why do we need study names Jess? You are being completely juvenile. Plus, you can think of something better than that. Actually put some thought into it” I urged him. “We need study names because this is a serious job. You are teaching me information, and I just think it would be better to consume all of it if I was named something cooler.” I snort at his stupid response. “Hey! This is a good idea! Your new name is Mary” he said. “Mary? As in Virgin Mary? Gosh Jess, come on.  You’re killing me here” I cried. “Hey, I chose Mary, and that’s that. You get to choose mine!” he said. “Oh joy, what great pay back. I pick.... Simon” There is a short silence over the line. “SIMON?!” “Come on, not Simon! Simon sounds too smart, too geeky! Please, show me mercy!” he pleads. “I got stuck with Mary, you get Simon. Unless you want to reconsider mine...” “I’ll stick with Simon, Mary” he snickers. “If that’s the way you want it, Simon” I shoot back. “Oh would you look at the time Mary? I better be going. I need to catch up on some extra credit work. I want to raise my 100.0 up to a 100.1 in all of my subjects. You’d be surprised at what a tenth of a point does for colleges! Plus, I need to practice for band, and think of some witty insults incase those baseball nerds attack me again.” “Okay Simon. I’ll talk to you on Thursday” I laugh. “How was the tutoring lesson?” asks my dad who was obviously eavesdropping. “Fine” I chirp, and quickly stick my head inside my math book to smother my giggles.

                                      January 15-18- Jess

          I miss Christian. All of a sudden, it just hit me one night while I was lying in bed. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the movies I should see before I die, and it hit me. I thought how much I miss him, how he gave me advice on everything and anything. He would drive me places, practically whenever I asked him to. My first date with Olivia, we were driven by him to spare us from Mom. I remember when I found out that he’d been arrested. I was sleeping on the couch that night for no particular reason, just because it was late, and dark, and I was all alone. Christian had gone out with friends, and Mom and Dad were visiting my aunt in Florida. “Hello?” I asked groggily at one o’ clock in the morning. I was surprised they didn’t come to my door. “Hello, is this Mr. Alson?” asked a gruff, stern voice. “Uh.... yeah, I guess” I said. I had never been called Mr. Alson, but the thought that the phone call was for my dad never crossed my mind. He hardly ever get phone calls on the main line, business related stuff always went through to his cell phone. “Excuse me sir, there has been some trouble with your son. We have him in custody.” I didn’t know whether or not to lie and say I was my father (because I had realized it by now) or just fess up and call my dad. “Thank you. I will contact my father. But he is out of town right now, so do you think that there is a chance that I could come over myself? I’m his brother” I said. The officer coughed. “I don’t know son. We don’t usually let brothers in here.” “Please sir? I love him dearly, and I am dying not being able to see him” I said as honestly as I could. “Huh, all right. But just for a few minutes. Not many people are here anyway, so I guess we could sneak you in for a few minutes, just for family. Don’t you bring anybody though, or you could get me in trouble” he hacked. So, I hung up the phone, threw on some clothes, and rushed down to the jail. I had never hailed a taxi before, but it was kind of fun. “Thank you. Take me to the jail please” I said as I got in the cab. “What one?” asked the drunk taxi driver. “Gosh, I don’t know! The nearest one I guess” I said in the way the women do in the movies. Remember, I was young here. “Sure kid, whatever. Doesn’t matter to me, as long as I get my money. Why you going to a jail anyway?” he asks. “Business” I mutter. “Business huh? What type of business? A girl or something? ‘Cause I knows that you aren't old enough to have a job” he chuckles. Actually, I was old enough to have a job. I was 14, old enough to work at a drugstore, fast food chain, or supermarket. But I didn’t tell him this. I guess I wasn’t old enough to protect my pride. “Family stuff actually. How long is it going to take?” I ask, anxiously glancing at the clock in the front seat. He notices me looking over his shoulder in the mirror, and shakes his head knowingly. Like he expects this, like he knows everything about teenagers, the way some adults pretend to. “Don’t worry boy. I’ll shut myself up. Like I said, my job is to drive you to wherever you need to go, not to question it” he coughs, a burst of smoke exploding outside the window. “Could’ve fooled me” I mumble to myself. He laughs again, a drunk kind of laugh. It doesn’t really sound forced, but I can tell it is more of a laugh to fill the silence. My mom does that sometimes. When we’re at a party or something, and we’re talking to a group of people, she’ll go “Ha ha ha. Yep, that sure is a scream” quietly, and people around her will just kind of chuckle too, and then somebody will outburst with a new thought, and the silence will be cured. When I was younger, I used to watch her at her parties. My dad would be at the bar, talking to friends, and I can only remember twice hearing him laugh. Neither were ones to fill the silence like my mom did. My dad was not that type of person. He was straight forward, no false front or anything. He was who he was, and you could either love him or hate him for it.

           When I got to the jail (I was lucky I chose the right one)  Christian was in one of the first cells. He was playing with the bars, running his fingers lightly across them. It was so faintly audible, that a pin drop could overpower it. “Christian?” I cried when I saw him. He jumped to his feet, and pressed his face through the spaces in between the bars. “Jess! I’m glad you came. Tons better than mom and dad. Did you bring the money?” he whispers hurriedly. “What money?” I ask. He slaps his forehead, and collapses into the bed. “Oh Jess, maybe it would have been better if mom and dad had come. At least they would have been bright enough to bring the money for bail. Now they are going to make me stay here, all locked up with these criminals.” I walk over to the officer on duty. He has his feet up on the desk, and his picking his teeth with his fingernails. “Excuse me” I squeak, but it’s so silent he immediately looks up. “Who are you? Visiting hours are over kid. Ended hours ago. Come to see him tomorrow” he hisses through tight lips. “Actually, I talked to you on the phone? You said it’d be all right if I came to see him. He’s my brother? Christian?” I say, trying to trigger his memory. “Oh yeah. That squeaky voice, I remember it now. How old are you son? Thirteen?” he laughs to himself. A couple of guys in cells down the hall laugh too. “Shut up!” he barks, and they quickly close their mouths. “Actually, sir, I’m fifteen. And I need to talk to you about how much his bail is” I say. “Bail? If you’re fifteen, I’m not going to take any money from you. You’re just a kid. Come back later with your parents, and I’ll talk to them” he mutters, lifting up the newspaper again. I walk back down to Christian’s cell. The cold concrete stares back at me, the rusty box spring, and the stained mattress looking lost in a space of emptiness. “Listen, Christian, there is nothing I can do. I talked to the officer, and he said that even if I did have the money, that he wouldn’t have taken it from me.” “And you actually believe him Jess? You obviously don’t know how these type of things work. You have money, a cop will snatch it up in a second. No second thoughts. Just.... come back tomorrow okay?” he pleads. It is one of the first times he actually ever sounded desperate. “All right. Explain to me tomorrow what you did. Just... stay there, and I’ll come back tomorrow with Mom and Dad. They’re getting back tomorrow morning. Or actually, this morning I guess” I laugh. “I’m not going anywhere” Christian says lightly, and I just nod. We didn’t really hug much, and kissing a brother seemed unthinkable. So, I just left. I hailed another taxi (this time it was a man from another country, and he didn’t really talk to me much) and went home. I unlocked the door, set down the keys on the coffee table, and climbed into bed. I remember the feeling of wonder, wanting to know what was about to happen. I had had it before, like on Christmas morning, except then, it was a good wonder. An anticipation more like. And waiting to go to see your brother in jail, isn’t really the same. It’s more of a dread.

                   January 15-19 April

          We had our second tutor session today. Jess told me how the doctors are saying that he should be getting out any day now. They have been constantly checking anything and everything that could be wrong, and they think he is fine aside from a few bumps and bruises. “I’m really excited April” he told me that night. I hadn’t heard him get this enthusiastic since his first B on the English paper. “So am I Jess. I can’t wait to see you.” It wasn’t really the type of thing I implied to mean romantically. As far as my lips know, we are still just friends. But I guess when I said it, it did come out a little weirdly. There was an awkward silence, and I could hear the sound of a baby crying down the hall. “Anyway, let’s get to the lesson. You have a lot of catching up since you have been slacking off” I joked. Jess chuckled a little, and the awkward silence was broken.

          He got out today! I got a phone call that morning, from his parents. They told me that he was being released. So I had my dad drive me down to the hospital. Sure enough, out comes Jess with crutches under his arms. Before the car stopped, I jumped out the door and ran up to him. I flung my arms around his neck, and he laughed uncomfortably as he rested a hand on my back. I was too excited to notice how bold I was being. His parents smiled at me, as I helped him back with his crutches. “You must be April. Jess’s tutor, right?” asked his mom brightly. “Yeah I am. Nice to meet you.” “All right mom. Leave her alone now” he laughed. “What? I was just being friendly” she protested. He just nodded sarcastically and I helped him down the stairs. “Are you in pain?” I asked like a second mother. “Not much. My ankle really hurts though” he admitted. “Sit down then! I don’t want you in pain. I know how hard this must be for you, all vulnerable and having to let others help you. You are a man after all.” “Excuse me! I let others take care of me all the time, thank you very much! And not every man is too masculine to ask for help” he dramatically declared. I helped him into the back seat, and I took his crutches from him to rest on the floor. “Here, put your foot up. We need to take the pressure off of it” I said, lifting his leg up onto the seat, and taking his jacket for support underneath it. “Are you sure you’re not a nurse in disguise?” “Well sorry for wanting to help you! I just want to make sure you’re okay” I assure him. “Then here. Let me be the one to tell you. I’M FINE, okay? You don’t have to float over me. I’ve had enough of that over the last few weeks.” I felt offended that he didn’t want me there. “Oh well..... I’ll just.... go then” I stuttered. “No April, wait” he said catching my hand as I started to walk away. “I’m sorry, I just..... I guess you could be right. It’s hard for me to let everyone take care of me. I want you here though okay? Promise.” I smiled, instantly forgiving him. “Okay. I believe you.”

                   January 20-24 Jess

          I am finally out of the hospital! Hurrah! I got out yesterday, and I was so happy. April was there, because my parents called. I felt kind of bad to make her rush over on my account, but oh well. I guess she was happy to be there. Or as happy as you can be when a friend gets out of the hospital. My ankle was killing me, but I tried not to be a pity case. They said that I broke it, when I was in the accident. When my head collided with the dashboard, my right foot which was on the gas pedal got sandwiched in, and it twisted in the wrong direction. I can’t remember what happened, which makes it harder for the doctors to determine the story. But they created a hypothetical situation with all their tools and software, which they believe to be close to what happened. They expect that I won’t ever really be the best I used to be in sports, but they said that I can still play them in a few years, it will just be more difficult to move around. When they told my dad this, he was devastated. I have never seen him more sad or angry. His jaw dropped, and he looked like he was about to hurt someone. “What are you talking about, he can’t play! Baseball is his life! Your killing this kid, your crushing his dreams!” he cried. I knew what he really meant was that they were crushing his dreams, not mine. Sure I liked baseball, it was fun and everything, but I had no dreams of making it big. I really didn’t want to practice every night and morning, practicing until my arms felt like jelly and my legs ached so much I could barely walk. It wasn’t my dream, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t break it to my father. So now, as horrible as it is to say, I think that this accident was actually a good thing. It gave me an excuse to get out of baseball. When somebody drills you so hard that you never want to play again, it’s a good indication that you are being overworked. And that’s exactly what my dad did with me. He got me up almost every morning ever since I was eight years old, 5 o’clock sharp, to start warming up. Even sometimes on Christmas and my birthday if the weather was good. As much as I pleaded with him, he would never soften his opinions on how much I should practice. “Jess, if you want to be the best, you have to put in the work and effort” he would argue. Even when I was eight, I knew that he was using his dream of baseball through me. My mom would watch out the window, watch him screaming at me to try harder, to catch the ball with better position and hit it harder. She would watch with such sad eyes, because she realized it too. That I didn’t want baseball to be my life. I can’t blame her for not interfering, although I wish she would have. She has a traditional view on how women act, and she thinks that women shouldn’t disagree with men. I didn’t want to get up every morning, and only stop when I would be so tired my dad would have to carry me in. And when I got too heavy for him to carry, he would let me lie there, on the tickling grass, barely conscious. I would be so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and I would sleep on the ground until dinner. My friends would call occasionally, asking me to go out with them to the movies or the park. But I always had to turn them down. “I have baseball you guys. You know how hard my dad is on me” I would protest. “Jess, what is wrong with you? Don’t you ever get a break?!?!” they would cry. But they knew the answer. They had come over a few times on their bikes, watching my dad make me run and swing and catch, and they would leave in disbelief. To them, somebody making you play a sport was unbelievable, especially your own parents. And when it was snowing or raining, he would take me to the batting cages. And if it was closed for the holidays, instead of making me play, he would make me run. Up and down the hallway for a few hours. He would give me a five minute break every now and then for water so I wouldn’t pass out. I was so fit and toned by the end of grade school, that people would ask me if I wanted to be a body builder. “No, he is getting ready to play baseball for the big leagues” my dad would proudly declare, and they would just nod and raise their eyebrows, like they were thinking that they had never seen a kid with such determination and discipline. By the beginning of middle school, I had no friends left. They had all moved on to other people, people who had time for them. A few months later, I met Jack. He was the only person who understood what my dad wanted for me. For him, he would get up now and then to practice for a few hours a week. My dad would occasionally let him come over to “train” with me, but only if I had done really well that week. But now, with my broken ankle and accident on record, he couldn’t make me do it anymore. I was done with baseball. 

                   January 21-26- April

          So Jess is back at school. He is still on crutches because of his ankle, and pretty much all of his friends abandoned him when they found out they couldn’t play baseball anymore. Olivia has been staying away from him ever since Winter Formal, and even though Jack was probably his best friend, I’ve seen him turn around and walk the other way when he saw Jess coming towards him. I guess that since he isn’t the star that he used to be before the accident, people don’t admire him anymore. After you take away the talent he had for it, there is nothing left for people to want. And that is only because they don’t know Jess. They don’t know him away from the field, all they know is the guy who can bat a home run and catch a ball that is headed for the stands. They don’t know that he is trying so hard to understand English and get really good grades, even if he isn’t naturally smart. That during our sessions, he can make me laugh and cry at the same time with any story. I told him once that he would make a good entertainer. “Me? Yeah right. I’m way too shy” he said blushing. “You shy! You have to get up in front of practically the whole school to play baseball, and you’re calling yourself shy” I laugh. “Well I am. Baseball is different. I don’t get nervous going up to bat, because I have played so much that I expect each and every time to get it. With entertaining, it’s different. You put out the bait, and the audience can choose it to be funny or not. With baseball, you don’t have to rely on other people to get the reaction you want. You earn it for yourself” he explained. I partially understood, even if I had less talent at playing sports than a doorknob. “But Jess, you’re funny even when you don’t try. You have a natural talent at making people laugh” I argue. “Well I’m not known as the class clown, I’m known as the baseball star. But I guess now that people are ignoring me, all that is destroyed.” I felt truly sorry for Jess. As hard as I tried, I could not even begin to understand what a hard time he must be having getting used to being a nobody. When he was so used to sitting down at any table at lunch, and now, people act like all of their seats are reserved when he walks by. It’s like they have some sort of animosity towards him. They don’t understand that it isn’t his fault he got in the accident. Actually it is, because he brought drinking upon himself, but he didn’t want it to happen. He just wasn’t in control. All they care about is that their precious baseball star is not one anymore. The person the girls longed to go out with, the person the guys longed to be (mostly because of the girls) is no more. Sure, he is still Jess Alson. But not a baseball legend anymore. They don’t care that his whole life has been ruined because his whole life was baseball. It’s like watching a Lifetime movie. Except it’s non fiction and my friend as the lead.

                    January 26-29- Jess

          I am finally back at school. It’s hard to walk past my friends and be ignored when I am so used to everybody vying for my attention. The only person that talks to me now is April. She has been so great to me, and I don’t even think I really appreciate her enough. She was the only person that stepped up to the plate when I needed a tutor. She didn’t even know me, but she still decided to take a chance and be kind. (Okay, the $9 an hour pay might have contributed to that too.) That is the type of person she is. And she was there when I got out of the hospital, not Jack. He only visited once, a day after Coach told me I was cut. I remember telling him, and I watched the blood drain from his face. “You can’t play anymore?” he croaked in disbelief. “I guess not. He said that the principal thinks I’m a bad influence, driving drunk and getting into an accident, so that if he didn’t cut me, he would be fired. I can’t really blame him. It wasn’t his fault, but still.......” “Yeah uh ...... that’s horrible man. I’m sorry” he mutters. “Yeah thanks. For coming by here too. I have only gotten a few phone calls and visits.” “No problem. Hey listen, I better go. I have an uh..... prior engagement” he said uncomfortably. “I know. We’re playing against the top rated team in the county. Or I mean, you’re playing.” “Do you not want me to talk about baseball Jess?” he asks. “No, no it’s fine. It doesn’t matter.” “Okay, well like I said, I have to be going,” he repeats. “Talk to you later.” I guess he lied. Because since that night he hasn’t talked to me again. I heard that they won, and there has been rumors that we might be playing in the state championship. They I mean. They.

          The weather is so cold now. My fake snow is long gone, and the only indication that it’s winter is the chill of the air. The trees that are normally so confident and tall seem to be shrinking and bursting with self doubt. The ground is crunchy with frost and the bursts of warm air escaping from my lungs are destroyed by the overload of cold energy. The days of wearing shorts and sandals are long over with. And as the weather gets colder, the more difficult it gets for the team. They are running out of teams to play because it’s not the season, and the ones that volunteer back out at the last minute because of the cold. Some people say that Coach is too tough on them, making them play all year long. But I don’t really think so. I think that Coach is like my dad. Dedicated to a dream of winning.

                   January 26-29- April

          I am determined to get Jess back on the team. I cannot take to see him lumbering around, all solemn and depressed. He is not as passionate during our sessions anymore, and I can see it in his work. He misses baseball. I can’t blame him, I mean, I know how much it meant to him. And I’ve tried to get him to open up about it, but he just shakes his head. “Nothing is wrong April,” he’d say. “I’m fine.” So today I talked to Coach Anderson, after school. He had his hands in his pockets and he was watching the Red Sox. “Hey Coach Anderson, I’m April” I introduce, since I’ve never actually met him before. He substitutes sometimes for gym, but aside from that, all he does for the school is coach baseball. “Nice to meet you” he mumbles, not even turning to see my face. “I uh..... have a friend that used to play for you, Jess?” “Of course, Jess. He was one of the best players I’ve had in quite a few years. No doubt talented, and respectful. A fine boy” he says turning off the tv. “Good! I’m glad to hear that. Well, listen, I am here because I am not only his friend, I am his tutor. And I have noticed that he has been really down lately, ever since he told me how you cut him from the team.” “Correction, the principal did. I had no problem with keeping Jess, actually, I wanted to keep him. Needed to. He was our best asset. Now that he is gone, to tell you the truth, we haven’t been doing as well.” “Well I know if I could convince you to let him back on the team, he’d do it in a heartbeat. So could you? At least consider it. Please.” He sighs helplessly. “I would if I could. But this isn’t really my turf. You have to take it up with the principal. If she is up for it, I’d be happy to have Jess back” he tells me. “Okay, thank you very much with your time Coach Anderson. I’m sure you’ll be seeing Jess very soon.” “What did you say your name was?” he asked as I started to walk out the door. “April sir” I reply. “Well April, Jess is very lucky to have a friend that cares so much about him” he says, letting a smile crack his tired skin. “Thank you again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a principal to catch.”

                   January 30-February 5- Jess

          So Coach talked to me today. Out of nowhere I was called down to the office, and I immediately thought I did something wrong. But there he was, standing in the middle of the room, beaming like mad. “Jess, don’t say anything. You’re back on the team.” I couldn’t believe it. I look at him like he just told me I won the lottery. “How?” is all I ask. He just grins from ear to ear. “Your friend April put in a good word. Said you missed it. Said you wanted back in. So, we worked something out with the principal, and she agreed to let you back on the team if you keep your grades up and don’t get caught in the law again” he explains. “I don’t know what to say” I stutter. I really cannot believe that I am now a part of the team again. I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want back in. I was so happy when he kicked me off, because my dad couldn’t make me play. I just slept in until whenever I wanted to on the weekends, and I could watch TV and draw and do whatever I wanted to all day long. He has been avoiding me ever since he got the news. He has barely said a word to me for weeks. He is so angry I think, that if he says anything at all to me, his head will explode in fury. So I let him ignore me. It’s okay by me. I understand that all he ever wanted out of me was a baseball son. That we don’t have a loving relationship, I am just part of his plan to make it big. And once that dream is crushed, there is no reason to talk to me anymore. It’s like I never was his son in the first place. My mom is so sad now. She sulks around the house, and doesn’t go to her knitting circle anymore. She has watery eyes all the time, because she sees how her family is being destroyed all because of some dumb sport. And it makes her unbelievably sad. I think she may actually go to a therapist for depression. Get some pills or something, cheer her up. But until then, I am just going to have to deal with the way life is. I don’t want to get back on the team. I want to do whatever I want for the rest of my life, no inhibitions. I’d better not tell my dad anything. He’d kill me (literally strangle me to death) if he found out that I gave up my chance. I’ll just tell the coach I am too hurt to play, and hope that he leaves me alone. And pray that he doesn’t call my house to try and convince my family otherwise. 

                   February 1-6- April

          I cannot believe Jess turned it down. I went to all this work to get him back on the team, and then he just turns around and tells the coach that he doesn’t want to rejoin. So I’m flipping out when I hear about it in the locker room. “Did you hear about Jess Alson?” “Who didn’t?! He got kicked off the team.” “Yeah, but don’t you know? They let him back on! And he turned them down!” “Are you serious? There is no way! Not Jess Alson!”

          So I stomp over to him at that very second. All the gym coaches have left for lunch in the teacher’s lounge so there is no one around to stop me. I throw open the locker room door, and walk past a bunch of guys all wrapped in towels. “Whoa, there’s a girl in here” they mutter in low toned, masculine disbelief, turning away and wrapping their towel tighter. It’s kind of cute to watch all of them squirm in self-consciousness, but I don’t even pay attention to all of the testosterone in the room. I keep marching forward, my head straight and eyes focused on the target, until I find Jess, about to pull his shirt over his head. “Jess, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” I explode. He freezes and drops the shirt. He doesn’t even seem to notice the fact that I’m in the boy’s locker room. He just acts like it’s any other place. “I don’t want to play baseball April. I was happy when they kicked me off” he confesses. “YOU WERE HAPPY? SO WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO ALL THIS FOR YOU IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO JOIN AGAIN?!” I am so angry my face is flushed and my eyes are fiery, but he remains level headed and just shrugs. “I didn’t know you were until Coach told me, a few seconds before he let me back on. Believe me, if I knew, I would have stopped you.” “Jess, I can’t believe it. I thought baseball was your life! I watched you put your heart and soul into it every day at practice, and you even sacrificed getting a tutor because if you didn’t get your grades, you’d be cut. If that is not dedication, I don’t know what is. And now you’re here, telling me it doesn’t matter to you anymore. That passion can’t be put out overnight!” I cry. “It was my life, you’re right about that. But it had to be. My dad made it be. He worked me so hard, I never wanted to play again. And being kicked off, was almost a blessing. I’m glad for it” he explains. The guys are running out the door now, with one sock on and their shirts half over their chests. I guess they don’t get girls in here too often. “Jess, what about your reputation? Your father?” I ask. “Neither of them matter. My reputation will only be trashed because I am not the baseball star anymore. And that’s all right with me. If that’s all I was ever good for, not my personality or my brains, than it really was never that important at all. I’ll get used to it. And my dad, he’ll will have to deal. He may kill me when he hears, literally murder me in my sleep or slip poison in my drink. But if he doesn’t, and I live through it, then I’ll be okay. Because I have you.” I smile shyly, shifting my weight to my other foot and gazing down uncomfortably. The last couple of guys left look to each other in disbelief. Jess Alson just said something romantic. Not romantic, silly me, friendly. Maybe not even friendly. He could simply be vocally expressing his being obliged. All I know is that it was in a strictly friendly manner, and not an ounce more. Right? Wait, what am I asking you for! I’m right, and I am just over analyzing a nothing situation. That’s it, of course. It was a nothing situation. Nothing at all.

                   February 7-10- Jess

          Ugh Valentines Day. It is such a gushy holiday. Nobody cares about it unless they are in a relationship with someone. It is just a day made for us single people to feel worse about being alone. We have to watch everyone getting all romantic and love crazy, giving each other chocolates and roses and cuddling in public. GROSS. Not like I don’t see that other times, but it just gets so heavy on that stupid day. It’s a dumb holiday if you ask me. When we were younger we used to make valentines for everybody, and it was a thrill to give a girl I had an eye for one. Then, if she gave me one back, we would never stand together but apparently be “going out.” Ah the days of elementary school. Now in middle school, it didn’t get too much better. Sometimes the more affectionate couples would sit together at lunch, or maybe hang out more. But not many of them went out on dates..... alone. Going out was such a strong term, it means so much at the time. But there isn’t much special treatment to back it up during Junior High. It’s a thrill, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed every second of it. And being a baseball star even back then made me in demand. Girls would giggle as they walked past me, and you could hear them swoon to each other. “Oh that Jess.... he is so cute!” I would never make a move though. I was too afraid to talk to them. They would just flutter their eyes at me, and do the baby doll smile, and I would just sit there and stare at my hands. Sure I was flattered. I could have had any girl I wanted. But I knew that my parents would never allow me to have a girlfriend. My dad was too sure that if I focused on girls, they would distract me from baseball. And my mom just didn’t want me to. My parents aren’t very up with the times if you haven’t noticed. Then, in freshmen year, I met Olivia. She was the head cheerleader, and it was just kind of made for the best jock to hook up with her. Which just happened to be me. Don’t think I’m conceited, I’m not trying to toot my own horn. Honest. But that is just the way things work. It’s kind of like predestined. It just happens that way. I didn’t really ever like her too much, definitely not love her. She was pretty, and once in a blue moon, funny. But she was mean and cold-hearted, and she never paid attention in school. Don’t get me wrong: I am not big on smarts. I mean, look at me, if anybody should be talking. But she never even gave it any effort: all she cared about was cheer leading and her friends. So at the end of last year, I broke up with her. It wasn’t for any specific reason, I just grew so tired of her, and I wanted so badly to leave. I thought that maybe if I broke up with her, that I might find somebody else and be happier. I guess that hasn’t really come true. But then, I digress. Valentines Day is stupid.

                             February 8-11- April

          Valentines Day, ugh. I hate it. It’s dumb, depressing, and it just makes me want a boyfriend. I have had two. One was in the 5th grade: Gary Tubman. He was kind of a geek, but I always called him for help on my homework. And then in the 8th grade: Ryan Marshmallow. People always made fun of him because of his last name. He said his parents changed it when he was three. Something about standing out. Anyway, I liked him a lot. I fell for him hard actually. We went out until the middle of 9th grade, a record in middle school times. He was very funny, and we had a good time. I actually kind of miss him as I am writing this. But since then, I have been boyfriend less. None, nada, zip. I have had my deal of crushes, but they have always proved their name to me. I don’t often make the first move anyway. I’m traditional, what can I say? I can’t remember the last time I went out on a date. I think it was a few weeks after I broke up with Ryan, and I was trying to forget about him. The guy turned out to be a total jerk. He made me pay not only for myself, but for him too, at dinner. He spit popcorn at me when he laughed, and when he tried to hold my hand, it was all clammy. He came out the next year. I was his last date before he “switched teams.” People still tease me, saying that I turned him gay. Maybe that is part of the reason why I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long. So I am sitting here writing, thinking about my past boyfriends and crushes,  and all of a sudden, I realize something. I mean I’ve thought about it before, but I just kind of felt it at that moment. A shiver ran through my veins, and my hands started shaking. I liked Jess. Uh oh, this is not going to turn out well.

                             February 13- Jess

          Today started out just another normal day. Valentines Day was tomorrow, and everybody was getting excited about it. “Hey Jess, want to do something tomorrow?” Olivia asked me at lunch. I was surprised she was still paying attention to me. I was no longer the baseball star, she had no reason to try and get me back. At that moment, April came back to our table with napkins. “I’ll get back to you Olivia.” April’s face just went blank. She cleared her throat, and turned her face away. “What was that about?” she asked. I just shrugged. “I might hang out with Olivia tomorrow.” “Tomorrow is Valentines Day” she declared. “I realize that” I laughed. But for once, she didn’t laugh back. “Does that mean you two are a thing again?” “A thing? I don’t know April. She invited me to hang out. We’ll probably just have a good time, if I even go.” “I see” April says coldly. “What is wrong with you? You know about Olivia and me. It’s no big secret that we have an on and off kind of relationship.” “I..... I just thought you weren’t the type of person to feed into the Valentine’s Day propaganda. It is just a stupid holiday dramatized by the media to be the most romantic day of the year. In reality, most of the girls who are oh so sure that they will get their ex-boyfriend back because love is in the air never do. All the girls who think that they will get that secret admirer rose from the cutie in the back who has never noticed them before, are rose less. And then they get depressed and feel sorry for themselves, and everything just goes back to normal the next day. It’s spurious and to be blunt, a bunch of BS. That is all anyone ever thinks about. They just forget about everything else.” “Everything else? What are you talking about?” I ask. “See? You are just proving my point. My dad forgot about it too this year. He is just so caught up in his new girlfriend, buying her flowers and giving her candy. So much for seventeen being a special year” she mutters. “Oh my god April.... it’s your birthday.” “Yeah, happy birthday to me.” I slap my hand on my forehead, and run it through my hair. “April it’s your birthday. I cannot believe I forgot. You’ve been dropping clues all week and I just have been so caught up in all my own stuff..... I am SO sorry. You should totally hate me” I cry. “Oh I do. I’m sharpening my knife right now.” “April, I don’t know what to say. I am such a horrible person. I cannot believe that I forgot your birthday. I’ll make it up to you somehow though, I promise” I plead with her. “Whatever Jess. Have fun going out with Olivia. I’ll see you” she says cooly, and just walks off. I feel like I just turned April into Molly Ringwald. Add a candle, and she could easily have stolen Molly’s role.

                   February 13 -April

          Today is my birthday. I can just hear the parade marching outside my door right now. Haha, that couldn’t be more false. My own dad forgot about it. Jess did too, and I had to spell it out for him to finally realize it. I’m not the type of person who expects gifts for my birthday. I know it’s the thought that counts, and the price tag doesn’t matter. But when everybody forgets, it does get you a little bit down. I hate Valentines Day. It always steals my spotlight. Stupid Cupid, he always messes up everything. I wanted just one person to come up to me today and remember. I don’t have many friends, unless you count my neighbor’s dogs. And that Santa at the drugstore at Christmas time is pretty friendly. I already hate being seventeen, and it hasn’t even been 24 hours. So I was in bed, writing this, and then I hear this faint little sound coming from my window. I thought it was just the wind or something, so I turned off the light and started to go to sleep. But I kept hearing it, and it kept getting louder and louder. So I finally got up, opened the window, pushed aside the drapes, and who stood there but Jess! He looked like he was freezing, he had his shirt off and everything. He had April Rose painted across his chest, and he was holding a rose in his mouth. Impossible. There was a stereo in his hands, and it was blasting Death Cab for Cutie. “You remembered” I called down to him. He didn’t say anything, just nodded and continued swaying to the music. “Why are you doing this?” He finally takes the rose out, puts down the stereo, and throws up his hands. “Because I’m a moron, and this was playing when we first went out to the movies. On the way home, remember? You said....” he began, but I cut him off. “Death Cab for Cutie is the best band ever. They are way underplayed, and don’t get enough radio time just because they aren’t glamorous. I love them.” He smiled and nodded, picking up the stereo again and turned up the volume. “Get in here, you nut. It’s freezing, and you are going to wake my dad up.” So I helped him up the ladder, and he passed me the rose and turned off the stereo. “Thank you. It’s beautiful” I smiled, handing him a blanket. He’s shivering, and his teeth are chattering. “How long were you standing out there?” I asked, laughing a little at his purple lips. “About fifteen minutes. I figured I’d stand out there all night if you went to sleep and never looked out your window.” I grin and push the hair out of his watery eyes. “You’re crazy you know that? It’s hypothermic out there, and you could have died!” I cried exasperated but incredibly flattered and touched. “I know. I was preparing myself for it. But I messed up royally. And I had to make it up to you in some way” he says. “Oh here, I forgot....” and then he hands me a twinkie. It’s a little smushed from his back pocket, but it has a candle in it. “Sorry it’s not lit..... I can’t play with matches” he mutters sheepishly. “We can pretend. I wish.... oh, well what should I wish for?” “Wish for...... many more years of our friendship” he smiles, and my grin falls to the floor. Friendship. The word rings in my ears. I realize I am JUST his friend. I’m his tutor, just a girl he can sit with at lunch and sometimes hang out with. So I shrug halfheartedly, and blow out a bunch of air on the waxy candle. “It’s going to come true now, you know,” he says, shoving the twinkie in my mouth. “I hope so” I say back. But Diary, can you keep a secret? I didn’t wish for us to be friends. I wished.... aww never mind. You’ll probably go blab to everyone anyway. I’ll just say this: I hope to God Jess is right.

                             February 16-20- Jess

          Valentines Day came and passed, and it was just like every other year. The 15th was quiet and some people were hostile for not getting their rose, just like April predicted. Others were dreamy all day long, and the teachers kept having to call them back to class. April kept grinning at me, and I knew she adored her gift. I can’t say what I did for her, you’ll think it’s too Say Anything. But she loved it, and my horrible oblivion was forgiven. I never went out with Olivia. I felt too bad for April, and I didn’t really feel like it anyway. Olivia is a great girl when she chooses to be. She can be really genuine and funny one day, and completely snappy and bitter the next. I want so badly to just get away from her. She is so incredibly irritating, but yet, I have such a past with her. I just can’t seem to let go. Maybe I’m too scared to move on, to step outside my comfort zone. Or maybe I just don’t want to. But I don’t love Olivia, I never have, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can get on with my life.

          I have been doing so well in English now, I might actually get on the honors this semester. I think that every since I dropped baseball, I have been able to concentrate on school so much more. I feel great, I’m excited to be learning more and doing better. I have come to terms with my new less than popular status, and it is finally all right with me. I have April, and everything is going pretty well in my life right now. My father still loathes me for giving up my chance at getting back on the team, but that was expected. They are doing kind of bad since, and they are in a terrible losing rut. I really don’t want to sound narcissistic, but to be honest, I think it’s because of me. I mean really, I was the best player on the team. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of talented players. Jack is an incredible pitcher, Mark could catch a ball going to China, and you don’t even want to try to stop something Chad hits. But while they are phenomenal, they are incomparable to me. All right, you can call me vain. Cocky is good too. Arrogant fits. Just don’t call me ignorant. I know that I can be all of those things, but I’m a teenager. I have a high self esteem, and that is a good thing. I’d rather be conceited than self-conscious. And I really am not trying to sound that way, I just am trying to be sincere. Sorry, I’m deviating. I really am just ecstatic about my life right now. Sure it’s not perfect, but what is perfection except a state of mind? I might die of euphoria. And to continue on in this honesty, I realize that it is mostly April’s doing. She is incredible. She cheers me up at my ultimate lows. That girl is a miracle worker. She educates me, she is the best friend I could ask for, and while doing all of this she makes me laugh. I repeat, a miracle worker.

                   February 15-18- April

          Life is going fabulous. I am happy to say that I was not one of the girls that I hate the day after Valentines Day. I had gotten my rose, and everything was going swell. Jess never went out with Olivia, (I checked) and although my dad forgot my birthday, I forgave him. Later, when Jess left, and it was about 11:30, I went downstairs. “Hey Dad” I said, crashing on the couch with him. “Hi Hon. Are you going to go to bed soon?” he asked, not looking up from his paper. “Yeah, I’m pretty tired” I mutter. We sit there for about 15 minutes, and he just seems to forget I am there. “Hey Dad, did you forget what today was?” I inquire. “No of course not! It’s the day before Valentines silly.” I seriously hate Cupid. He is such a birthday stealer. “No, it’s the day I was born. Seventeen years ago, remember?” He throws down the paper. He looks me straight in the eye, like they do in soap operas, and grabs onto my hand. “I am so sorry, April. Oh my god honey” he cries. “It’s okay Dad. I understand. Other people forgot too” I mutter. “No it’s not okay! I am your father, and I forgot your birthday! I am such a horrible parent. I am going to make it up to you some way April. I’ll..... I’ll take you to the Metropolitan. Or... I’ll take you back home to visit with your friends. We’ll do something okay? I am so sorry. Please forgive me” he pleads, just like Jess did. “Really Dad, it’s all right. It’s happened before. I get that Valentines Day steals my thunder, I’ve accepted that. But we can do something? I really would like to go back to New York. I miss all my friends.” “I know you do honey, I know. I’ll take you back for a week huh? How’s that sound?” “Great. Good night Dad” I say, climbing up the stairs. “Hey April?” “Yeah?” I ask, turning around. “I really am sorry. More than you’ll ever know.” I chuckle a little at what a big deal he is making this out to be. “I know Dad. I know.”

                             February 21-24- Jess

          Oh my god. Pinch me I must be dreaming. Christian is coming home. OH MY GODDDDD. He got parole because of good behavior. It’s only temporarily, but if he stays out of trouble, than he has it in the bag. I cannot believe this. I don’t know what to do. My mom was screaming, partly from happiness, and partly from apprehension. My dad went cold, and then after a few minutes, cleared his throat. “Well Jess, this is going to be a big change” he says, like I don’t already realize. But it catches me off guard, because he hasn’t really talked to me since the baseball fiasco. But I don’t want to mess up my chance to have a good conversation with him, so I try not to be smart. “I know sir” I say, adding the sir on second thought. He seems pleased. “He might even go to college if he gets his life on track. He’ll be living at home until he can get on his feet. Do you understand?” He’s talking to me like I’m five and I just had my parents die. Of course I understand. All I needed to hear were the words Christian and parole in the same sentence to understand. “Yes sir I do” I remark. He wiggles a little in his seat, and you can tell he is getting great pleasure out of this. He quickly decides to milk my gentlemanly mood. “Now this is going to be a big change for Christian as well. He’s used to doing nothing all day, eating that prison slop, wearing their clothes, and hanging out with those types of people. You have to make him feel welcome Jess. He doesn’t have many people in his life who still care about him. He needs to feel loved. This is a big adjustment” he repeats for the millionth time. But I get up and leave before he can rephrase it anymore. Being deferential is very tiring. What he failed to mention is what is going to happen to me. I’m not saying I have ever been spoiled by any means, but I thought of myself as only child. Sure, I mean technically I had Christian, but he was never around. I don’t remember his birthday very often, and only on good days can I remember how old he is. And to be honest, I don’t even really recall his face. I have pictures, but my parents try to keep them hidden in old photo albums at the back of the closet. I think they are embarrassed by him. They didn’t want to raise a screw up. But now Christian is just going to walk back into my life again, just like he walked out.

                   February 20-24 -April

          He is beautiful. He has really light green eyes, almost unreal. I had to fight the urge to ask him if he wears colored contacts. His hair was dirty from missing showers, but it was a darker brown than Jess’s. It hung in his face, and curled on his eyelids. His smile was crooked but it had such knowledge, such compassion. He is so tall, at least 6’3” and he is so confident even though he just spent three years in jail. “I’m Rose” I stutter when I see him at Jess’s house. Jess looks at me like I am crazy, but he doesn’t say anything. Christian just smiles sweetly. “No, that’s my middle name. No, wait, yeah. I’m... huh?” I want to turn back the clock. I am SUCH a ditz. He laughs, and his laugh is so beautiful. It’s soft but you can tell by just his laugh that he has the biggest heart. “I’m sorry” I say, running my hand through my hair and looking at the ground. “Hey that’s all right. I’m Christian, Jess’s older brother. You must be the famous April. Jess speaks very highly of you” he says, and his voice is raspy, like sandpaper. “Yeah I’m April. I’ve talked to you before, on the phone” He laughs again. “Oh right... hey I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’ve got to go get settled in but I’ll see you around all right?” I almost melt. When I hear the door shut upstairs, I sigh dreamily. “So you like Christian?” Jess asks coldly. I don’t want to sound sure of myself but I thought I detected a touch of jealousy. “Yeah, he’s okay” I blush. Jess rolls his eyes. “Come on, it is kind of obvious you are head over heels in love with him. Even I can tell” he mutters. “Well sure, he seems really nice. And yes, he is easy on the eyes, but I don’t even know him. So I certainly can not be head over heels in love with him.” “Haven’t you ever heard of love at first sight?” he asks. “Of course I’ve heard of it” I say indignantly. “But I certainly do not believe in it. How can you love someone that you have only just met? It’s not logical. It’s not ethical.” “But that’s love for you April. It’s not logical or ethical. It can’t be explained. It just is.” “How do you know so much about love Jess? Ever been in love?” I ask, huffy that someone is challenging my opinion. “As a matter of fact, I have.” I howled with laughter. “With Olivia, no doubt. I don’t know how I didn’t see it, it’s oh so obvious. You two are just made for each other.” “It’s not with Olivia, April” he says solemnly. He’s looking me straight in the eye, and chills run down my spine. “Well then who are you talking about?” I squeak. Impossible, I think. But just when Jess opens his mouth, the name is silenced by Christian. “Hey guys, want to go to the movies?” I groan with exasperation. “I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” he asks, looking apologetically between us. “Thanks Christian, but we’d better get to work” Jess whispers. The sound of the floorboard squeaks from Christian’s heavy feet heading to the kitchen. There is an awkward silence, something very common with us now. But we just start working silently, and we try to ignore each other’s thundering hearts.

                             February 26-27- Jess

          April likes Christian. They met each other yesterday, and she practically tripped over her feet. “Hey Christian, what do you think of April?” I asked him later that night, once she had left. “She seems pretty cool” he muttered. “Pretty cool? Or cool?” He laughs. “I don’t know Jess. Cool. She’s nice. I like her” he reassures me. “Like her? Or like her like her?” He laughs again. “Jess what is wrong with you? I could never like someone that much younger than me! It’s illegal, smart one. Don’t worry, I’m not going to steal your girl.” “Christian, she likes you.” “I could tell” he admits. “And she’s not my girl” I add. “Not yet. I really don’t see what you are waiting for. You like her, correct?” he asks. I shrug. “I don’t know. She’s..... we’re.....” I stutter. “Okay, I’ll take that as a yes. Some advice? You’d better hurry up. She’s not going to wait for you forever.” I sigh, and collapse into the kitchen chair. “I know. But she doesn’t like me Christian. She probably wants someone else.” But he acts like this doesn’t matter. Christian could have any girl he wants. He knows how to get them. “Then you have to make her jealous” he declares. I have faith in my brother, but trying to make her jealous? This always backfires. “It’ll work, just trust me. Now we need to find you a girlfriend.”

                             February 28-March 2- April

          Jess has a girlfriend. I cannot believe he did this. And no it’s not Olivia, which would almost be easier. Her name is Equa. No I did not make a typo. Her name is Equa. As in Aqua but pronounced and spelled with an “e”. I don’t know what he sees in her. She’s not really pretty. She has nice eyes... I guess. But she’s too tall. Like taller than Jess. She’s dumb too, and she’s always in detention. AND HER NAME! Who the hell would name their child Equa?! It’s stupid. I want to know if her parents are like outpatients of some mental clinic. It’s probably hereditary. She probably has people in her trunk. She probably cuts up limbs and puts them underneath her bed. She is a social outcast with like two friends in the entire school. I’ve never seen Jess talk to her before. NOBODY talks to her. She speaks in gangster language like she’s from New York’s ghetto or something. Except she’s white and from Ohio. Go figure. Now Jess sits with her at lunch, and whenever I look over at them they’re cuddling. Or she is suffocating him underneath her armpit. So now I have to sit in the phone booth for lunch, or the bathroom stall. Did you know that it’s not too easy to sketch names into the door? The vandals that do don’t get enough credit. It’s hard. I think Jess might have literally gone insane. Or maybe blind. Or deaf. Maybe he lost all his senses, along with his mind. Maybe he’s going to all of a sudden realize what a mistake he is making and dump her. Maybe he’s high. Oh my god, DOES JESS DO DRUGS?! I’ve never asked him before. It’s possible, I mean.... he does get bloody noses quite often. Oh wow, I think I might be losing my mind too. All because of Equa McGasp.

                             March 1-3 - Jess

          I have a girlfriend. Weird right? Well brace yourself for weirder. Her name is Equa Mcgasp. I mean honestly, she is a little different. And I’d never really talked to her before. I have lunch with her though, and gym. So I knew who she was. So Christian picked me up after school, and we walked around the school, rating girls. Don’t call me shallow please. This is a necessary step. And this is all for April. We went to the gym for the jock girls. There were a few playing basketball, and Christian started talking to them. “Hey girls” he said in his low sexy voice. One slipped on her way to a lay-up and got her breath knocked out. The others squealed and one almost fainted. “Hi” they giggled. But I couldn’t date a jock. A past jock cannot date another jock. It’s breaking every high school code. So we went on to the music room where the choir was singing. Only problem? They didn’t notice me. Christian had left for the bathroom, and they were so consumed in their song that they didn’t even acknowledge me. “How’d it go?” asked Christian as we were walking down the hall. “They didn’t even see me. They were too consumed in singing. Plus you weren’t there, which didn’t help.” Christian socked me in the arm. “Come on Jess. Your a stud!” “Yeah, whatever you say. Let’s try somewhere else okay?” So we head down to the theater. “Oh Romeo! WHERE ART THOU ROMEO!?” is screamed when we sit down on the front row. Christian laughs, and points down at me. “Here! Here is your Romeo!” he mouths silently. One girl, the lead obviously, jerks her head towards us with vivid eyes and a set mouth. She stomps to the end of the stage, and bends down so we’re almost face to face. “Are you my Romeo?” she moans dramatically. I clam up, and shrug. “I don’t think so” I stutter, shrinking under her volatile gaze. “I don’t either” she hisses and I quickly pull Christian out of there. “Okay, maybe not. Where else?” he asks. “The only other place is the art room.” So we finally go there. The only girl there is Equa. She is standing at an easel, and she has her head cocked to the side as she brushes thoughtfully across the painting. She spins around when Christian speaks up. “Hi” she squeaks. “This is Jess” he says bluntly. She looks around dully, and nods towards us. “I hope you don’t think this is too forward, but he is actually looking for someone” Christian declares. “Is that so?” she asks without a hint of interest. “Would you mind if we just sat here and talked to you for a bit?” She shrugs, not looking up. “Well I’m Christian. And like I said, this is Jess.” “I’ve established that” she says cheekily. “Yeah.... so how are you doing?” “I’m on to you, you know” she says indignantly. “I know what you are doing, walking around the school. And I just would like to say that you disgust me.” Christian looks at me with surprise. She sounded so confident, we were actually shaking in our boots. “So.... you know?” “Yeah, god right I know. How could you be so inconsiderate!?” “We weren’t trying to....” but she cuts me off. “I don’t want to hear it. You sicken me. How could you mess with people’s feelings? They are doing what they love, and you have the audacity to make fun of them? I don’t want to see your faces. Won’t you just leave? I don’t care if you make fun of my paintings. But I don’t want you messing up my mojo.” Christian pulls me over to the door. “I know, she was horrible! Flip out much?” I say as I start walking out the door, but Christian pulls my hood back. “She’s perfect.”

                             March 3-5- April

          So, I have a new neighbor. She is from Virginia, and although I have only seen her twice, she has incredible fashion sense. She has auburn curly hair, medium length. Big round blue eyes take up most of her face but they don’t look disproportionate. 5’10” and lean with muscle. She has a laugh that could melt the coldest of hearts. I think her name is Sophie. She has great toenails. I could see because she was wearing a miniskirt even though it wasn’t even spring yet. “Hi” I chirped when she walked past my porch. I was afraid she would ignore me, because she was so intimidating. But she ran right up to me, energy bursting, and practically screamed in my face, “HEY!” “I’M SOPHIE!”  “I’m April. So you just moved here huh?” I say slowly, not even realizing how incredibly obvious that was with a U-Haul truck right in front of me. “It’s nice to meet you April” she sings. There is an awkward few seconds between us. I hate these times. I’m never content with silence. So trying desperately to fill up the pause, I blurt, “I love your body.” But she doesn’t look freaked out. Even though I feel like a complete moron, she just chuckles. “Hey thanks. My mom was a model.” “Somehow I don’t doubt that” I reply. She laughs again. “Thank you. I’m a basketball player though.”  I’m speechless. I mean of course she had the height, and the body, but she seemed like she was completely narcissistic. With those toenails? And that hair with not a single strand out of place? Not possible to be messed up with sweat. And that skin? It looked like it’d never been scratched in it’s life. “Wow, you don’t look like a basketball player. I mean your tall obviously, but....” I pause, not meaning to offend her. But her buoyancy keeps on bubbling. “I get that a lot. No harsh feelings. I care a great deal about my looks, don’t get it twisted. But it’s not all I am. I love basketball. It’s my life, and the only thing I can count on in this crazy world.” I don’t know what struck me just then, but I got this feeling like I had known Sophie forever. “Hey want to go for coffee sometime?” I ask boldly. This is not at all like me. I am normally very reserved and introverted. But there was something different with Sophie. It wasn’t that she was intimidating, because she wasn’t really at all. I mean at first glance, definitely. But once she opens that perfect mouth, you fit right in. You’d think with that beguiling personality and height, she’d terrify you. But she really didn’t. And for the first time, I felt like I wanted to get to know someone here. I felt like I could have finally found a friend.

                             March 4-8- Jess

          Yeah, we’re still together. I found that a little weird too, but she is actually pretty all right. She’s weird sometimes, but overall, not that annoying. She asks me everyday what I’ve had to eat, and she calls herself my nutrionist. A little odd I’ll admit, but I’ve gotten used to it. And every now and then she gives me a new word to look up, to “increase my vocabulary.”  But other than that, she is not that bad. I actually don’t mind her. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with her by any means, but I like her all right I guess. I know, I’m not setting a very good example. I hardly even like my own girlfriend. But like I said, and I repeat, this is essential to getting April. I need to make her jealous with another girl to realize what she has, or doesn’t have, so she can miss me and realize that she wants me. Because she does. I’m Jess Alson, former baseball M.V.P. Everybody wants me. Wow, I think I just got a touch of Christian in me. Freaky, right?  I agree with Christian for once though, and I think that this is very important. People have noticed too. Jack actually has talked to me since he noticed me hanging out with Equa. I still get a kick out of her name. Equa Mcgasp. I think her mom was probably a little drowsy from the epidermal to realize what she was naming her kid. But Equa doesn’t seem to mind. She acts like she was named “Annie” or “Elizabeth.” I actually think she might like it. It sets her apart, that’s for sure. I actually feel a little bad for her, to tell you the truth. She doesn’t have many friends. I think people are a little intimidated by her actually. I mean she is so tall, I guess that it can be a little frightening to work up the nerve to talk to her. But she doesn’t seem to mind that either. She is so into art and painting, I actually wonder if she’s ever thought of how popular she is, or isn’t. I don’t think it concerns her. She’s different. And she’s a pretty nice girl. I just feel bad that I’m going to break her heart. I’m using her, I realize this. But maybe she isn’t that into it either. Maybe I’m  just a guy to pass the time. Maybe she is using me for someone else too. I know what I’m doing is wrong, don’t twist my words. But I mean, it’s not that bad. It’s not like I killed someone..... right?

                             March 7-10- April

          I don’t know how this happened so fast, but all of a sudden I have two best friends. I proved to be right about Sophie. I am so happy she is going to our school, because we can hang out all the time now. And she introduced me to her twin, Hannah. She is a lot like Sophie, but she is a little shorter. They aren’t identical or anything, but like her sister, Hannah is gorgeous to a T. She is a fabulous singer too. She sings all the places she can. Her hair is darker, and shorter, but it’s just lush. Like you want to run your fingers through it. She has really light blue eyes, and they are so big and innocent she looks like a doll. She is so pretty. I am insanely jealous of the genes they have. I have never met their parents, but they must be Brangelina’s illegitimate children. Sophie is really nice, although she can be a little much sometimes. I watched her play basketball today. All I can say is WOW. She scored so many baskets I lost count, and I swear she stole away every shot. I really like her. It’s cool that we can be neighbors too. We have a lot of the same classes together, and she is so fun to be around. Now, Hannah. She isn’t into sports really. But she’s in love with fashion, and she says she wants to be a model when she’s older. She could easily be. She has the looks for sure. And she’s super into singing too. Those girls are perfect I swear. I wonder if they are like robots or something, programmed to do everything humanly possible the best anyone could. They are alike in so many ways, but different in even more. I am really lucky I found them, and am so incredibly glad I decided to go out on the porch that day. Not to say that I wouldn’t have met them some other time, because duh we live right next to each other. But they both are so great, and they literally came at the perfect time. I feel like we’ve known each other forever. I think they might have been my angels, sent down just for me. It’s only been like a week, but I love them so much already. They are the best friends I could have ever asked for.

                   March 10-14- Jess

          I don’t know what more I have to do to get April’s attention. Post a big sign on my forehead saying “I like you April, notice me?!” She hardly even talks to me anymore. Two new girls moved here a week ago (they’re twins) and she hangs around with them constantly now. They both are really tall and super hot. The taller one plays basketball. I’ve seen her in the gym shooting around with some other girls. The other one knows Equa; they’ve hung out in art or something, because Equa knows who she is. “Hey what do you think of Hannah?” she asks me one day. I don’t look up from Sports Illustrated. “Who?” “Hannah. Hannah Liseman.” “Who is that?” Equa sighs, and pulls the magazine out of my hands. I protest in open mouthed silence, and she replaces it with a gardening one. “You don’t know Hannah? She and her sister are the talk of the school. They’re new here. Unusually tall? Uncommonly good looks?” I throw down the magazine and reach for Sports Illustrated again. “Oh yeah, I’ve seen them around. I can’t tell them apart though, so I don’t know which one’s... Hannah and who’s the other one.” Equa indignantly punches my arm. “Ow!” I cry, rubbing my bicep. The librarian lowers her glasses and glares at us. Equa gives a sweet smile, and she eventually breaks her scowl to go squawk at some freshmen who are throwing dirt from the plants at each other. “The other one’s name is Sophie, Jess. My gosh could you be any more ignorant?” she says hotly. I look at her with question of seriousness on my face. “I said I’ve seen them, I’ve just never actually met them before. But I mean, I must have seen them right? They’re like models. Who can not notice girls like that.” She hits me again with that stupid gardening magazine. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!” I shout, moving over a seat at the table. “Because Jess, you are acting like a guy.” “Is that such a bad thing?” I say, holding up my hand in defense from her incoming attack. “Yes it is, because your different than all the other guys here that are always talking about how hot girls are. Does it really matter if they have good personalities?” she asks in the way that means don’t answer, I know I’m right. But I do anyway. “Yes it does. Because I am a guy. That’s unchanging. I can’t help if I think like a regular guy sometimes. It’s not my fault, and I shouldn’t get smacked because of it!” I cry. “Sorry. But I want you to meet her.” “Hannah?” I ask. “Yeah. She’s really nice, and I think you’d like her. Meet me after Chem okay? I know you have History after, and I have a free period. Hannah has that class with me. So we’ll run into each other in the hall. Do you mind meeting her?” “No, not at all. She seems fine. I’ll see you after Chemistry” I say, looking at the clock. “Oh no, it’s already 12:34. I’m four minutes late for health. I’ve got to go Equa, see you later” I say, dashing out the door without even giving her a hug goodbye. We’re not much for public displays of affection. Mr. Geiger doesn’t really like it. I’ve seen him physically interfere when couples start to kiss in the lobby. What can I say, I’m not one to break the rules. Or maybe I just don’t want to touch Equa. No no, of course not. She’s fine. I’m just.... big on school spirit.

                             March 11-14- April

          I think we need to get one thing straight. Sophie and Hannah are perfect right? And whoever you are, reading this, your probably thinking what the hell?! They just moved here, and they are already so close! That’s not possible. That’s not reality. But honey, in all truth, that just happened. They both are the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life. They get me to a point where it’s scary. Sometimes more than I get myself. They are my best friends. What can I say? Some things are just meant together. Like peanut butter and jelly, or cream and oreos. They’re not quite as good apart, and they are destined for each other. Like magic. Like fate. Don’t worry reader, my dad doesn’t get it either. “A, you’re especially close to those new girls next door” he says one afternoon as I’m doing my math homework. “Yeah they’re great” I mumble vaguely. “But you’ve known them for what? Like a week? Don’t you think you’ve gotten too close too fast?” I sigh and wiggle my pencil absentmindedly. “No Dad, I don’t. Why are you worrying so much about this? It’s not like they’re guys or anything. They haven’t gone to jail in their life time. Layoff.” He pushes the hair off of my forehead, and kisses it tenderly. “I know sweetie. I know this is a good thing, that you’ve found some new friends here. But I don’t know.... something just feels off” he says. “Off? As in how?” I ask, my ears perking up. “I don’t know. Just.... it’s just a feeling. Forget I said anything.” So I do and go back to my math homework. But then Jess confronts me about it the other day too. “Hey April” he nods in acknowledgment. “Hey. What’s up?” He shakes his head, and we ignore each other for the next five minutes. “Hey April?” I look up from our experiment. “What’s going on with these new girls, Sophie and Hannah?” I raise my eyebrows and shrug. “They’re my friends...? They just moved across the street like a week ago” I reply. “Oh” he says quickly, and I wait for a follow-up. But he doesn’t say anything else, so I snap my goggles back on. “Hey April?” he suddenly chirps. I sigh exasperated and move them back to the top of my head. “What Jess?” He looks around the room uncomfortably for a minute. Just as I’m about to go back to the project, he raises his voice. “Something doesn’t feel right with them.” It catches my attention again. That’s odd, I think. What are the chances that my Dad and Jess have the same instinct? “Why?” I inquire. He shrugs, and fiddles with with a test tube. “They seem.... too good. Like they’re not real or something.” I laugh but he doesn’t join me. “... Are you serious Jess? What are they, like robots or something?” I giggle. But he remains solemn, and I chuckle nervously. “They’re human Jess. I mean come on, this isn’t a fantasy novel. Like you seriously think they’re spies or something? My gosh, grow up.” He looks hurt, and grabs my hand lowering his head to look in my eyes. “April, I’m worried for you. Don’t turn against me! I’m just concerned...” I nod and look back at him. “I know. I thank you for your care for my safety, but I’m all right. I’m a big girl, Jess. I’m not going to let the bad robots get me.” He sighs and rolls his eyes. You can obviously see that he is angry I’m not taking him seriously. But like they’re robots! And I have a unicorn in my room, and a million pairs of shoes. Jess cares about me, I realize this. But robots? Haha, yeah right.

                   March 15-17- Jess

          Things at home with Christian are suddenly bumpy. It was fine the first few weeks. We played video games and ordered smoothies at the mall. But now, something is wrong. He’s moody and always talking on the phone. I’ve eavesdropped a few times, but was without luck. All I could decipher was hang out, amazing, and lonely. He was whispering most of the time in the bathroom, and you can only press your ear so hard. My dad’s noticed it too, and it’s made him more crabby than usual. If I don’t clear my plate after dinner, he’ll bark about irresponsibility. If I leave my shoes in the kitchen, he’ll complain about hygiene. And my mom is a whole different story. She is never around, and when she rarely is, she always wants to take me shopping or “bond” with me. I was fed up with it after a few days. So I blocked the phone when Christian was trying to get at it. “What are you doing Jess! Leave me alone!” he whined when I unhooked it and put it behind my back. “This is for your own good. Now tell me, what is going on with you?!” He starts pouting, and I can just picture half of the female population fainting. “Stop being so immature” he grumbles. I laugh at this. “Me? Your calling me immature? I’m not the one pouting and whining, Christian. It’s as simple as confessing. Why are you so sour these days is all I want to know.” He rolls his eyes, turns away as if he’s going to leave, and then makes a grab for it. But my reflexes are better than his, and I quickly jerk it away. “Tell me!” He scowls, and folds his arms, but he finally caves. “Fine, I’ll tell you. Can I have the phone now?” he begs. But I shake my head, and he lumbers to the table. “I’m... seeing someone.” I almost drop the phone in shock. “YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!? AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!?” I cry. He shrugs and looks down cowardly. “I didn’t want to make it a big deal. I don’t get to see her a lot because she’s going to college, and she’s taking on a lot of classes.” I wrinkle my brow and hand him the phone. But right before he grabs it, I change my mind and pull it back. “What’s her name?” “JESS! GIVE ME THE PHONE!” he gripes. But he knows I won’t give in until I get what I want. I’m stubborn: it’s one of the few things I got from my dad. “It doesn’t matter what her name is Jess. You don’t know her.” I shrug and dangle the cord in front of his nose. “Fine! I’ll do even better. I’ll have you two meet. Are you satisfied?” he asks, grabbing it away. “Very. Thanks!” I chirp, skipping off to my homework. “Oh hey Christian?” I ask, turning back to face him. He covers the speaker with his hand and whispers, “what?” “Congrats. She’s a lucky girl.” He smiles and waves me away. But as I’m drooling on my history homework, I can’t stop thinking about who it could be. I’ve met all Christian’s girlfriends before. All of them have been really pretty, but I don’t think he’s consumed with looks. I wonder what she looks like. What she likes, what they talk about together. I should have known it was about a  girl though. He always gets really stuck on one, and then when she dumps him, he mopes for a week and finds someone new. It’s a cycle I’ve gotten used to. I wonder how this new girl will fit into it. All the other ones have done well.

                   March 17-19- April

          Jess and Equa are over. That coupling was shorter than   a kiss. But honestly, how long could it have lasted? It was spontaneous like getting married in Vegas, but stupid and impractical like trying to use an umbrella to bring you down from a tree. Jess doesn’t seem too shaken up though. Actually, come to think of it, he doesn’t seem affected at all. Equa is still weird, but she does seem a little more emotional than usual. Olivia is getting a kick out of this. Everywhere you see her, she’s always laughing and speaking louder just so others can hear her. “Jess and Equa? I would rather hook up with my dog. That’s a bigger mistake than wearing overalls if your over ten. I actually think he may have been hallucinating or something. I mean, EQUA! Like what was he thinking!” I pride her on the dog comment. That’s actually fairly witty. And I can’t say that I don’t agree.... but I would never put it in that wording. So today, I asked Jess how he was doing. As his friend, it’s the right thing to do. He laughed and rolled his eyes. “I’m fine April. I wasn’t in love with her or anything. It just didn’t work out, okay? It’s not that big of a deal.” “Oh right, of course” I reply confused. “But... what happened to make you...” He sighs and gives me the I don’t want to talk about it eye. But he still answers. “It was nothing in particular. We just... didn’t happen. It wasn’t written in the cards, I guess.” So I don’t ask anything else, and just stick to teaching. But the next day, I’m still wondering, so I ask Equa. I’ve never talked to her before. She mildly freaks me out. But I was dying of curiosity, so I decided to risk my life to find out. “Hi Equa, my name’s April.” She raises her eyebrows and nods, as if to say why should I care? “Uh.... I heard about you and Jess. I’m really sorry” I say. She gives a little smile, the smallest you could imagine. “Thanks” she mutters. “I hope you don’t think I’m nosy, but if you wouldn’t mind.... could you tell me what happened?” Her eyes ignite, and she shatters her pencil in her grasp. I feel myself shrink. But she doesn’t bite my ear off. She actually replies. “He was okay I guess. A little weird, but a pretty nice guy. We had fun, but I knew along that he wasn’t into me the way he put on. There was someone else,” she explains. “Someone else? You mean....” “No no, he wasn’t cheating on me or anything. But he had his heart set on another girl. He told me that when we broke up. He said that he couldn’t numb his feelings anymore, and that it wasn’t fair to me to keep stringing me on. He said that he loved her instead.” My heart drops to my stomach, and my lip starts trembling. I’m so afraid of the answer, I feel as if I’m going to faint. My head starts spinning, and my stomach flutters. “Um.... do you remember if he mentioned a name?” I ask, trying my hardest to sound nonchalant. She wrinkles her forehead in concentration. “I’m not sure. It started with a vowel I think.” My head spins in a hurricane. “Olivia? Does that ring a bell?” I ask, inhaling slowly and holding my breath in my terrified lungs. “Yeah.... that sounds familiar. That might of have been it. I’m not too sure though. I wasn’t really paying attention,” she admits. I swallow fighting back the persistent tears. “Hey are you okay? Your eyes are looking a little watery. You might be catching something. No offense or anything, but I’m going to go. I don’t want to get sick, just in case.” I collapse to the floor and start sobbing, my head in my hands and my heart to the ground. Everyone else has already left, but it wouldn’t have mattered to me if the whole world was there. Jess was in love with Olivia. Her name started with a vowel. Olivia and Jess were the type of people that would always have a special connection. And Jess was the type of guy who would never move on from the girl he loves. And that girl was Olivia.

                   March 18-20- Jess

          Yeah, so Equa and I are over. Did I already say that? Well we are. This is the least painful breakup I’ve ever gone through. Really, I am not hurt at all. I feel like I just got a paper cut compared to the gouges I’ve gotten before.  Equa isn’t doing too shabby either; last time I talked to her, she was entering in an art show and adopting a puppy. That makes it sound like I haven’t talked to her in years, but it was actually only a few days ago. That’s how Equa works: living every moment to it’s fullest. I just decided to end it, because for once in his life, Christian gave me wrong girl advice. “Dude, you didn’t do it right!” he argued when I told him that night. “Yes Christian, I did. I did everything you told me to. I went out with her, and dropped hints to April all week. She is either completely clueless, or she’s just not into me.” He gave me a sympathetic stare, and tried his best to cheer me up. “Hey speaking of girls, mine is coming over tonight,” he declares. “Really? Should I do anything to look better?” I ask in my sweats and t-shirt covered in tomato sauce. He laughs and throws me an apple. “Maybe put on some nice clothes so she doesn’t think your a complete slob.” So I throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and start playing video games. When the doorbell ring echoes throughout the house, Christian puts down his controller and pushes the hair out of his face. He looks in the microwave when he walks by, slicking back his eyebrows and testing his breath. “Hey sweetie. I missed you” I hear him croon, and I crane my neck around to look in the living room at them kissing. Christian’s towering back is facing me, so I can’t make out the girl’s face (no pun intended.) When they break away for air, I snap my head back and pretend to be completely oblivious. “Hey V, this is my brother Jess” he says when they’re all PG. and standing behind me. I look over my shoulder and immediately do a double take. “Jess, we meet again” chirps a familiar voice. My eyes grow big and I drop the controller on the floor. I try to stutter a greeting, and she smiles. “Wow Veta. Long time no see” I stammer, letting myself get lost in her embrace. “Definitely. When was the last time? Like November right?” “Yeah, I think so” I reply, sticking my hands in my pockets and looking to Christian for help. “Oh, you two know each other?” he asks. Veta laughs and strokes Christian’s cheek. “Yeah, Jess and I go way back. Or at least a few months. I tutored him for a little while.” Christian looks to me in disbelief. “Wow, I didn’t realize. Small world huh?” I nod and look at the ground uncomfortably. He takes my cue and conveniently looks at his watch. “Oh shoot, it’s already eight. We’d better go if we’re going to catch the movie. Are you ready V?” She grabs Christian’s hand and they leave for the door. “It was nice seeing you again Jess! I’m sure we’ll be meeting up like this again if things go the way I hope they do. Bye!” she calls a few seconds before the door shuts and silence envelops me. Wow, Veta and my brother. What if they get married! She’d be my sister in law! This is weird. Beyond weird, like unknown phenomenon.

                   March 22-23- April

          Veta is back. She is dating Jess’s brother. Still fake as ever, I saw her yesterday at his house. “Oh April! When I saw Jess, I thought I’d see you again. You two are still tutoring together huh?” she asks in that annoying high pitched voice. “Yep we are” I mutter under my breath. She doesn’t seem to notice. We sit in awkward silence for a few minutes while Jess diligently works on his homework. “April you are so pretty” she suddenly bursts. Jess looks up and then looks to me in disbelief. I look right back. “Thanks....” She smiles at herself only, and her pride is almost foaming out of her mouth. “Christian, you ready?” she calls. A few seconds later Christian comes in, in decked out clothing. A collared shirt, ironed pants, all of it. Veta smiles and wraps her arm around his waist. He chuckles a little, and looks embarrassed. I look into his eyes, those beautiful eyes. They twinkle in the light, and little diamonds dancing around taunting what I can’t have. Veta knows it, she sees it. She looks at me, and smiles in the way a five year old would say “Nah na na na nah,” with their tongue stuck out. I wanted to sock her in her over powdered face. But I just smiled back as sweetly as I could, and looked away. “Let’s go sweetie” he whispers and they walk out the door with no goodbye, hand in hand. “I hate her” I hiss as soon as the car is out of the driveway. “Why? Veta’s nice” he argues. “No Jess, you don’t see it because your a guy. But since I’m a girl, and I came in on her territory, we’re automatically rivals. She looks at me with these piercing eyes and she may seem nice to you, but she’s horrible to me.” He laughs and throws a pillow at me. “I’m right! You’re just ignorant” I say, throwing the pillow back at him. So that’s how we get into a pillow fight, and that’s how I saw Veta again, and Christian. I still have this thing for him. It’s like a schoolgirl crush. I just think he is the most beautiful thing created on this Earth. That may seem extreme, but then again, you haven’t seen Christian.  And what’s even worse, is not that he has a girlfriend, it’s that his girlfriend is Veta. It’d be better if he was dating Equa or Olivia. Veta. Like what is wrong with him! Can’t he see that there are better girls out there?! Sure, Veta may be pretty and smart. But she’s EVIL! Why can’t people see that! She is HORRIBLE, and I hate her! Christian should hate her too. Everyone should hate her. Everyone should join a hate club against Veta, every single person, and we’d just hate her to her death. Okay, that’s a little drastic. But I still do not like her in the slightest bit. And I’m really disappointed in Christian that he does.

                   March 23-27- Jess

          April is gone. She left on vacation to New York. It’s been a day, and I miss her already. Everything is so different without her. School seems longer and I feel like I’m losing brain cells. I know that can’t be possible, but that’s what she does to me. I see Veta almost every day now. Christian hangs out with her 24/7, and I’m forced to talk to her. It’s not a choice anymore. “Jess, now that Christian and I are getting closer, I feel that we should talk,” she says one night before the happy couple skips off to go be mushy together. “Talk? Okay... what do you want to talk about?” She smiles and places her hand over mine. “Jess, I have a feeling that you might be a brother in law to me in a little while. Nothing is certain, but I love your brother and I would say yes to him in a heartbeat. I want you to know this, and I want us to be comfortable with each other. It’s important to me that we are close,” she says all dramatically. “Yeah, me too. So you might marry Christian?” I ask, and she inhales with a grin. “Yeah, it’s a possibility. I love him so much Jess. He is everything to me.” “That’s.... nice Veta. Congratulations” I mutter, and she kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you Jess. You are an amazing guy, and April is blind to not see it.” My heart almost stops. “April? How did you....” She laughs heartily, and rolls her eyes as if she expects me to be kidding. “Jess, it’s kind of obvious that you are completely in love with her. Your body language is plain to see, and the way you look at her is clear as day,” she chuckles. “She doesn’t know....” I reply. Veta stops batting her heavy eyelashes, and cocks her head. “Are you sure? You haven’t told her?!” “No... I’m afraid of what she’s going to say,” I confess. “He’s a wimp if you ask me. I tried to help!” Christian says, walking into the room, and collapsing on Veta’s lap. “Well no one did, so leave me alone. And I am not a wimp! I’m just.... cautious,” I protest. “Whatever Jess. If you love her enough, you should tell her. You can’t expect her to stay single forever. You’re going to lose your chance, and wish you’d gone for it.” I start to get sick of all the lectures, so I leave to go for a walk. But I know deep down that Christian is right. April is amazing, and some other guy will eventually discover that. I need to do something, instead of sitting around waiting for her to make the move. But... that doesn’t mean I’m going to.

                             March 24-26- April

          I am in New York right now with my Dad. We’re staying in a hotel, a little outside of the city, and we’re going to go for a surprise visit to my old school tomorrow. I’m nervous to see all my friends. I’m only staying in New York for a week, and then I have to go back home. I don’t want to leave, but I do miss Jess. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. I want to call him so bad to hear his voice, but then again, I don’t want to seem desperate and I certainly don’t want to let on that I miss him. I guess I didn’t realize how beautiful he was until I didn’t get to see him every day. Oh well. I’ll see him plenty when I get home.

          It is early in the morning, and I am in the car on the way to Chancey High. The sun is barely peeking up over the horizon, and I keep dozing off. But when the car stops and the engine is turned off, I wake right up and burst out of the door. I’m still nervous to see everyone, but I’m also unbelievably excited. These people that I’ve known since the day I came out of the womb, have not been able to see me for half a year. I miss them all so bad that it hurts, and it’s so unfair that I’m not allowed to see them anymore. I have to make up for major lost time, and I’ve planned it with the principal to call down a few of my friends to hang out for a little while. They are not going to believe that I am here.

          I see Aloni, Joey, Katy, and Fay coming down the stairs to the office. They all have nervous looks on their faces, looking to each other to think what they could have gotten in trouble for. The principal laughs, and tells me to hide until they come through the door. “Ladies, I have some news for you,” he says. “Please, have a seat.” They all sit down and look to him for an explanation. “Could you come out?” he calls, and I burst through the door. Joey starts crying, and they all are screaming. “Oh my god April! Oh my god!” Fay cries, and they all jump up for hugs. “I missed you guys so much!” I say, starting to cry myself. “Can we go somewhere Mr. Tuttel? I really want to talk with my friends as much as I can,” I beg, and he gives a warm smile. “Sure ladies. Here, you can use my office for as long as you like, and I’ll get in contact with your teachers, explaining the situation. I’m sure they’ll be okay with it.” Fay looks beautiful as always, even with mascara running down her cheeks. Her chocolately locks bounce, and her sultry brown eyes brighten up. Aloni, with her virgin blonde hair, and olive eyes, howls (literally.... howls) and starts making us all laugh with tears in our eyes. Katy is quiet as usual, but with a beam lighting up her soft skin and hazel eyes. And Joey burrows her head in my shoulder with a never ending embrace. When she finally breaks away, her azure eyes rock like an apprehensive boat, and her height just grows with emotion. I cannot believe all of my friends are actually in front of me, and we’re all together again. “How are you?” asks Katy, as we all start calming down in each other’s arms. “I’m all right. How are all of you? How’s school?!” Aloni laughs. “We’re all good. Stacy just dropped out of school, because she’s pregnant. They’re trying to find out who the father is,” she explains. I gasp, and shake my head in disbelief. “No way!” “Uh.... Michael’s been asking about you,” Fay says. Michael Batch is an old fling I had right before the summer. He’s a writer with a dark mystery that only a few girls dare to test. I wouldn’t say he was a boyfriend, but we certainly had something special. I cough, “how is he?” Joey shrugs, and explains how he has seemed really sad since I left. “I haven’t seen him smile since. You should go see him April. He cares about you.” I sigh and twist my hair absentmindedly. “But things are awkward between us, you guys. I don’t know what to say, or what he’ll say. It’s just..... weird.” Joey grabs my hand and puts her arm around my shoulder. “Oh sweetie, don’t stress. You probably won’t even run into Michael. Let’s just... have fun, and enjoy the time we all have together,” she assures me, and I smile and squeeze her hand. “I missed you all so much. I love you, and I don’t know what I’d do without-” I break, and start crying again. Then Fay gets teary eyed, and we all start hugging and getting upset all over again. “I missed you too April. We all did,” Aloni sings, and I sniffle a smile.

                   March 28-30- Jess

          My parents are not giving up on the Gainesville idea. Even though it’s been three months since my hospital stunt, they haven’t forgotten, and every once and a while, they still bring it up. “Jess, have you warmed up to “the idea” any?” But of course I haven’t, and that won’t change. I’ve been doing well in school, and I’m almost fully healed, so I don’t know why they still want to send me away. Christian and I have been getting along great. I’m not fighting with my parents at all. I don’t know what I’m doing that could continue to fuel the scheme that it’d be better for me. All I can do is hope that in due time, they’ll forget about it. If I continue on in my angelic ways, I should be okay... I think.

          I miss April so much. It’s been a week, and she is coming home today, but I won’t get to see her until tomorrow. I miss her muted blonde hair, the way it blows in the breeze and gets caught in her mouth for her to choke on. I miss her haunting blue eyes, filled with such curiosity. Waves crash every time someone says something to make her smile. I miss her laugh, the way it swells your heart. I miss her voice, the way it makes your stomach flutter. I just miss..... her. I’ve never hurt for somebody so bad. It’s like I would do anything to see her face. It just gnaws on my insides, and the clock is so cruel. It’s been a week, 7 days, 168 hours, 10080 seconds, and every single second, my heart is hers.

          She’s back. I never was so eager to get in the car for school. “Wow Jess, it’s a Monday, and you’re hurrying to go to school. This could only mean one thing. She came back,” Christian observes, watching me rush around my room, looking for my math book. “Yes she did. And I’ve been dying not being able to see her.” Christian smiles and scratches his head, leaning against the door. “Wow Jess, you’ve really fallen for this girl. It all makes sense now. The moping around, the screaming music, the lack of presence at dinner. I understand it now. You, little brother, are in love with a girl.” I push past him on the way out the door. “Yes Christian, I am. But you already knew this, so stop rubbing it in my face and just give me a ride to school.”

          The first thing I see in homeroom is her bare leg, soft as a baby’s bottom, wrap around the doorway. And then I see her other leg, with a brown skirt coming into view. Slowly, a pink polo appears, and her arm pushing back her hair, and then.... her face. The face I longed for so hard, for so many hours is finally mine again. She smiles, looking down at the ground with those blue marbles, and when she looks up, our eyes meet. I know how cliché it sounds, but I swear that time stopped. Everything comes to a halt, the noise of the bell, the pencils scratching, and I can’t breathe. My heart silences, the thudding filling my ears giving up the fight. And then someone bumps into her, as she is standing there like a rock, and she falls down to the floor. Someone laughs, a few people whisper, and she gets up, cheeks flushed, and climbs to her chair. “Hi” she mumbles, turning to face me. My mouth is numb, and I can’t reply. So I just force a small smile, and nod in acknowledgment. “H-How was New York?” I stutter, and she blinks, searching for words.  “It was... okay.” My heart starts up again, my lungs gasp for air, and the bell rings. In a few seconds, everyone is gone, and I am all alone, missing her immediately. I am so deathly afraid that this ache is permanent, and will only ease up when she is in my sight. Then, the second she leaves, it will swing back into complete anguish, and I will once again be utterly miserable. This thing called life is such a complicated dramafest. I don’t even know anymore if she is worth all this pain.

                             March 26-27- April

          That afternoon, after school let out, we all went to dinner at a cafe we used to hang out at all the time. The minute I saw them all again, and the minute we started talking, it was as if nothing had changed at all. There were no awkward silences, and as usual, no one held back. We had to fight for talking time. Aloni stole most of it, and Katy fell back a little, but everything was just so amazing. I was with my friends, my closest, dearest, best friends in the whole galaxy. Not a thing was wrong, and everything was right. I was happy, truly happy for the first time since I moved.

                   The next day, they all had to go to school, so my dad let me go too. I followed them around to all their classes, and sat with them at lunch in the foyer. We giggled in the back, passed notes, and acted like we used to. Nothing had changed. And then.... I saw Michael. We were walking down the hallway, and going to Biology, and he was coming in the opposite direction. “April! Quick, nine o’clock!” Fay hissed, and not knowing clockwise from counterclockwise, I look right at him and halt to a stop. “April!” he cries, and I know it’s too late to run. “Oh hi.... Michael. H-How are you?” He starts walking with us. “Don’t you have class Michael?” Joey tries to intervene, but it just rolls off his shoulder. “Nah, I’m in your guys’ Biology class! It’s March, you haven’t realized that yet?!” he laughs, and Joey shrugs an I tried look. “So April, what are you doing here? I haven’t talked to you in ages!” I sigh and start to walk faster. I’m trying my hardest to not talk to him, because I know how it’ll turn out. “I’m just visiting. For a week.” He nods and we finally get to the door. I grab a seat next to Aloni, and am pleased to see him reluctantly take a chair in the front. “Oh my god! What are the chances that you’d run into him!” she cries, sitting down. “I know! I so didn’t want to see him! But I’m going to have to talk to him after class, so you do think we can make an early dash? Try to avoid him?” I ask, and Aloni nods vigorously. “Yeah of course. I’ll signal Katy, Fay, and Joe. Is it really awkward?” I sigh and run my hand through my hair. “It is so awkward. SO SO SO awkward. I mean, we had a thing. It was obvious that we had a thing. But.... it’s different now. I’ve got someone at home, and there’s no way we could be seriously involved when I don’t live anywhere near here anymore.” “YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!” Aloni screams, and everyone turns around.... including Michael. That probably wasn’t my smartest move. “No...... no I don’t. You know if I did I’d tell you. But I don’t. I have.... someone. I mean-I don’t know! I have a guy that I have strong feelings for, and we’re not together or anything, but it’s a potential that is worth waiting for.” “Aww that is so adorable!” Fay whines, turning around and dragging her chair to our desks. “Yeah, well not to be a walking cliché or anything, but I’ve never felt like this before. He’s an amazing guy,” I reply, looking down with rosy cheeks. “More amazing than Michael?” asks Aloni. “I mean, I don’t know this guy or anything, but you and Michael were pretty serious. I know a few girls who thought you two would get married for sure.” “Really? Well... I’ve just tried to forget about him after it happened. I was doing a pretty good job too until we ran into each other. Maybe coming here was a mistake.” Fay slaps my leg in anger. “Hey! You are getting to see your best friends in the whole world. Was that worth running into Michael once?! Don’t even worry, we’ll escape before he can talk to you again.” I sigh, and start sketching on Aloni’s binder. “Yeah, well I hope so. I don’t know what I’ll do if we have to bring it up.”

          The bell rings, and Joey purposely blocks Michael’s lane to leave. “Excuse me” he mutters, trying to push past her, but her strong arms folded are a wall that could make a bodyguard cringe. Aloni and Katy lead me outside, and we quickly start walking down the hallway. “Hey! APRIL!” comes a voice that I’ve dreaded so dearly. I pick up my pace, but I soon feel his breath on my neck. “Hi! Why are you in such a rush? Can I talk to you? Am I allowed?” he cries, trying to keep up with me. “Yes of course you’re allowed Michael. I just need to hurry up. I don’t want to make the girls late. What do you want to talk about?” I say, finally slowing down after such a long hallway. “I was wondering if maybe I could take you out to dinner. To talk. I haven’t seen you in such a long time. We should catch up.” Joey sighs, now walking (almost running) with us, and I look to her to agree. “Uh... uh...” Katy tries to help, but I decide that it’s my responsibility to handle him. “Sure Michael, that would be lovely. I’ll call you tonight, after I check with my dad, and we’ll work out the details. Is that all right with you?” Aloni’s mouth drops open, and Michael smiles in sweet surprise. “.... Yeah, that’s great. Do you still have my number?” he asks, and when I nod, he finally leaves, pleased with himself. “Wow April. Just... wow! You’re going out with Michael on a DATE tonight!” Aloni cries, shaking me in disbelief. I grab her wrists and protest. “Correction, I’m going out to dinner with him. There is not a date vibe. This is not a date. He knows this.... doesn’t he?” Katy looks dubiously at me, and Joey shakes her head. “I don’t think so, babe” Fay admits. “No no, of course he knows. I mean, he can’t expect me to wait for him! No, we’re just being foolish. He knows. He-He knows,” I say, trying to convince myself more than anyone else. “I don’t know April. Maybe you didn’t see the look in his eye. He still has feelings for you. It’s obvious that he does,” Katy confesses. “Well it’s too late to find out now. You could always call him to cancel....” Fay offers, but I know that I can’t do that. It’d crush him. “No, that’s impossible. I’ll just go, with a purely friend intention, and whatever happens, happens.” “Are you saying that if he tries to kiss you, that you’ll go for it!?” I sigh and roll my eyes. “No Aloni, I’m not going to kiss him. I’m going to go to talk, and talk alone, and if he brings up getting into a relationship, I’ll simply tell him that I’m not interested. Easy as that.” But I know that it’s not that easy. I know that old feelings could be brought up again, but I’m not going to let that happen. At most, we might become friends, but that’s the absolute limit. I will not allow my impulsions to overtake my brain. I will talk with him like an adult, and if the topic of becoming serious surfaces, I will tell him up front that it would not make any sense to have a long distance relationship. Everything can be okay as long as I maintain my common sense.

          My dad lets me go, and I change into jeans and throw a sweater on over a tank top. I jump in the car, and my dad drives me to a cute diner adjoining to a gas station. “Wow, Michael’s cheaper than I remember,” my dad comments as he stalls the car in front of the deserted diner. “Dad! This is not a date, so I’m paying, which saves me money. Get off his case! He’ll drop me off after, okay? Love you” I say, shutting the door and walking into the diner. There is a total of one waitress, with vintage stools at the counter. Michael is slurping a milkshake, and jiggling his leg, clearly nervous. “Hi,” I mutter, making him almost fall out of the seat in surprise. “April! Hi! You look.... pretty” he remarks, and I blush at the fact that the jeans haven’t been washed for weeks. “Thanks... uh, want to order?” He nods, and an advantage of going to such a small place is that there is very fast service. Almost immediately we get some burgers. Michael did the luxury of ordering for me, and I pick up the bun apprehensively. “Uh... I’m a vegetarian” I say, looking at the meat with disgust. Michael’s face flushes, and he takes the plate away. “I’m sorry! I should have remembered. Want to get something else?” “Um... no thanks. I’m not really that hungry. So.....” “Yeah. So,” he mumbles, staring at his hands. “H-How have you been?” I stutter, trying to break the ice. But after he replies, it still is noticeably chilly. “April, let’s just get right to it, okay? It’s not doing us any good trying to avoid the situation, so let’s just clear the air right now.” “Okay. Yes. Good” I agree, starting to sweat a little. “All right, so... before the summer, we were involved. I would say seriously. Like I didn’t consider you just a fling. I had deep feelings for you,” he pauses to let me comment, but I’m too caught up on the word had, to reply. “Then a few days before you left, I did a seriously messed up thing. For the record, I regret it every day. I should have never hooked up with Scarlett.” Scarlett Rollins was one of my best friends before she turned into a back stabbing she-devil. Scarlett, Fay, Aloni, Katy, Joey, and I were known by everyone in the school. We were the group that had people begging to belong. But before you write me off as popular, I was hardly that. Scarlett was the one who could claim that status, and only her. Joey and I worked so hard to get in, and it took ages for them to accept us. Fay and Aloni were known as Scarlett’s backups, but everyone knew that Scarlett was the leader of our group. She was harsh at first, but once I was cool in her book, we became really good friends. Then Michael and I became a couple, and everything changed. She suddenly became completely bitter, and whenever someone mentioned his name, she’d flip out. It always puzzled me as to what was bugging her: Michael and Scarlett almost never talked, so it wasn’t that she didn’t like him. But not once did it occur to me that it could have been jealousy. Scarlett didn’t know the definition of jealous. She could have any guy she wanted, and her family was super wealthy. She even got to have a limo drive her to school sometimes. Michael didn’t really seem to notice her sour sneers at me whenever she saw us holding hands. When we kissed out in the foyer, she’d cough “ whore   ” as she walked by. Eventually it made me really mad, and as a big of a risk as it was, I stopped talking to her. For a few weeks, I was completely ostracized. Even Joey left my side. But exactly eight days before I moved, I got a phone call from Michael. He was crying, and it took him a long time before he could admit through gasps of tears that he cheated on me with Scarlett. “I’m so sorry April! I never meant to, I swear! It was a complete accident. I just-I went to the movies with Chase, and we ran into her. We were going to the same movie, so we decided to sit with her and her date. Why not, right? We were friends, there was no reason not to. At the end of the movie, I found out that she had a credit fetish too, so we were the only ones left in the theater. She leaned over and started whispering in my ear, and it freaked me out but.... for some reason, I didn’t pull away. And then she started kissing my neck, and I just sat there, all numb, and then she kissed me, and I.... I kissed her back, April. I kissed Scarlett.” I started crying, and Michael kept apologizing, over and over. I could tell that he honestly didn’t mean to, that his intentions were good. But I was so angry, mostly at Scarlett for stealing my boyfriend, and of course with Michael for going along with it. “Please April, talk to me. Tell me what your feeling. Do you hate me?” he whined, and I took a breath, speaking as calmly as I could.                  “You bastard  .” I hung up the phone, and ignored calls for the rest of the week. Aloni, Katy, Fay, and Joey all came to visit me. My bedroom lights were turned off, the curtains were drawn, there were bags of cheetos and tubs of empty ice cream on the floor, my makeup was smudged, and I still had on the same clothes since that day. Not to mention I had not gotten out of bed except to get more food and go to the bathroom. “Oh my god April. We are so sorry” Joey cried, running to me as soon as she saw my pathetic body lying in all my misery. “I cannot believe Scarlett did that to you. Just to let you know, we’re never talking to her again,” Fay assured me. But I didn’t reply. I just lied there, drowning in my sadness and ice-cream. I was too paralyzed with pain. Michael had cheated on me with my best friend. I hated them both more than I thought it ever possible to hate someone. So that’s how we ended. I didn’t see Scarlett or Michael again, and I moved a couple days later. It took me months to finally let go, but I made myself promise that I wouldn’t mention it ever again..... until now.

          “Yeah, you’re right. You shouldn’t have,” I reply, fiddling with my hair elastic. “It was such a huge mistake. I want you to understand though that I never wanted to be with her. It was all acted out of impulse, and I just went along with it. April, I miss you. I miss our talks. The way you’d snort when you laughed, and the way you’d touch every single trash can when we walked down the streets together, not even thinking about all the germs. It didn’t matter to you. You are a free spirit, and that’s what I loved. But that was only one of the things. I loved how you are so compassionate for animals, and how you’d hold those protests when we were young during lunch. Not a single person would show up, not wanting to sacrifice their PB & J’s, but every now and then, you’d march around the outside of the lunch room, for whatever the school put out that you disagreed wi-” I start to cry, and Michael looks startled. “You remember that?” I ask, with tears flooding my eyes. He smiles a warm smile, the type of smile I used to stroke. “Of course I remember that. I remember how every Friday, you’d skip down the hallways of school, shouting to anyone that would listen that you were going to go flying with Peter Pan. Everyone knew, even when we were so young and naive that of course you weren’t, but no one said anything. They’d just press their faces up against the door, waiting for the bell to ring, and watch you prance down the hallways with such a wild look in your eye and such a grin on your face.” I begin crying even harder, and I grab his hand to push away my tears. I want to kiss him so bad, for it to be like old times, but I don’t just yet. I cradle his hand, and put it to my heart. “April, can’t you see!? I need you! I have been such a wreck without you these past few months. I can’t even remember how I was before you walked into my life. You are everything to me, please, please don’t push me away again. I know that we can’t always be together, but I would rather spend one day with you than spend every day with someone else. I promise you the world if you’ll give me another chance. I realize how much I screwed up, and I swear to you I’ll never hurt you again,” he begs, actually down on his hands and knees, tearing up himself. I look down at him, as if he is proposing to me, and I want to kiss him so bad. To run my hands down the back of his hair, pull him to my body, and just let my fears go when our lips graze. But I use everything left in me to hold back. I use every ounce of anger that I still have for him and Scarlett, and I use it to restrain myself. He jumps up, and puts his hands to my cheeks, looking deep in my eyes. “April, please. I am begging you, and I realize how desperate I seem, but I really am, A. I am so desperate, and my dignity is out the window now, so I’m not afraid to admit it. I love you April!” The waitress has stopped serving all the other people by now (which is like, four) and everyone has stopped eating. They are all waiting for my response. And then, when the light seeps in and makes his eyes twinkle a certain way for just a moment, I throw my arms around his neck, and allow myself to be enveloped in a passionate kiss. Everyone starts clapping and cheering, and after a few minutes, he sets me back on the ground, and smiles. “I knew you’d come around.”

                   March 30-31- Jess

          I cannot breathe right now. My heart has completely stopped in it’s tracks, and my hand is shaking so bad that I can hardly write. April kissed her ex-boyfriend in New York. And the worst part is, is that she didn’t even tell me. Apparently, she didn’t feel the need to. I had to find out about it from eavesdropping. “Hey Sophie,”  I hear her greet out on the patio after our lesson. “Yeah I just got back. What? N-No....... okay yes,” I hear her speak into the phone. “I know! I know I shouldn’t have, but I did anyway. I cannot believe I kissed him.”  My heart stops, and I take a huge breath. “Well we used to go out, and I promised myself I wouldn’t get back into it, but.... I did Sophie. He said he loves me,” she whispers, and I want to scream so badly, I DO TOO! But I bite my tongue and keep listening. “I don’t know..... I haven’t talked to him since we said goodbye. I don’t know if I want to have a long distance relationship with him, but I care about him a lot,” she giggles. I can’t breathe, and I feel dizzy. I knew this was going to happen, but I didn’t think so soon! I should have acted when I had my chance, and I hate the fact that Christian was right. I lost the opportunity, and some other guy has stolen April right out from underneath my nose. Now I’ll never get to be with her.

                   March 27-30- April

          The next day, at the airport, everyone comes to see me off. Aloni, Joey, Fay, and Katy are there, crying with me. And Michael showed up too, wearing a tie and everything. It was so informal, but he wore one just to show respect, and I loved it. “So. This is the end,” I say all dramatically at the gate. He smiles sadly and nods, squeezing my hand and kissing me one last time. “It is. I’m going to miss you A. It sucks that we can’t be together,”  he whispers, sighing and holding me in his arms. “I know. It really does. But I’ll call you, okay? As much as I can. And I’ll e-mail you sometimes and send you letters, and everything. I’m really glad we ran into each other. And I’m glad that Scarlett didn’t come between us.” He sighs, and reluctantly lets me go hug everyone else. “We’re going to die without you babe!” Fay cries, squeezing me. “I don’t know who I’ll come to with gossip,” Aloni exclaims, kissing my forehead. “I don’t know who I’ll ask for with help on homework,” Katy breathes. And lastly Joey, with tears streaking down her cheeks and her wobbly arms outstretched. “I love you so much April. You are my best friend in the whole world, and it’s agony without you. Promise me that you’ll keep me up to date with everything, and that you’ll come visit again,” she sobs, holding on longer than everyone else. I don’t reply, knowing she knows what I feel, and just enjoy the few seconds I have left with them all. “Bye everyone! I’ll come back soon!” I wave, and leave with tears soaked in my eyes and a sad smile streaked across my stained face.

          When I get back to school, I immediately see Jess in homeroom, and we obviously have a moment. I can tell that he missed me. But I keep biting my tongue, feeling that I should tell him about Michael. But really! What is there to tell? I kissed him, big deal. He probably wouldn’t even care. We’re just friends, why should I tell him? So I decide not to. But a few hours later, when we’re studying together, he brings it up. “So, I didn’t really ask you how New York was,” he mutters, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah you did, and I told you it was okay.” “Well could you be any more specific?” he laughs, but I can tell it’s an awkward one. That there is an underlying question that he just doesn’t want to admit to. “Uh.... okay. I hung out with my friends. I went to class with them, and we went out to dinner. Satisfied?” He sighs, and wiggles his pencil. “Who are your friends?” he interrogates, and I roll my eyes with irritation. “Aloni, Katy, Fay and Joey.....” I reply annoyed. “Huh.... anything else?” I throw up my hands and down the textbook. Christian pokes his head out in surprise. “What do you want to know Jess? I mean come on, grow up. Just ask me straight.” He looks around with flushed cheeks, and massages his eyes together. “All right, um..... I kinda sorta heard you on the phone,” he admits. My mouth drops open in shock. “YOU WERE LISTENING IN ON MY PHONE CALL?!!!” I scream, making Christian even more interested. “Maybe....” “I can’t believe you! I went outside for a reason! If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING!” He runs his hand through his hair sheepishly. “I know that it was wrong, and I’m sorry. But that doesn’t even matter anymore. Just tell me who you kissed,” he says solemnly. “I shouldn’t you know. I have absolutely no reason to, you certainly don’t deserve it. But..... it was an ex boyfriend that I hadn’t seen since I moved, which was a few days after we broke up. We had issues we needed to resolve.” “So you did that by kissing him!?” he cries, his voice cracking. “Jess, why are you making this such a big deal?! Why are you so upset?” I ask, completely surprised at his over the top response. “I’m not... I-I just... I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! This is a big deal, and I thought that you would tell me when you got a boyfriend, because I considered us friends, and that’s what friends do. They tell each other things. Especially big things like this,” he protests. “Just tell me.... why do you love him?” I wrinkle my forehead and shrug. “I don’t know.... I just do. He was my first love, and when I saw him again, I realized that I still had feelings for him.” He takes a breath and starts shaking his leg, just like Michael did. “All right one more thing. I just want to know his name.” I scoff and am almost ready to just walk out the door. “Why! Why are you so caught up in this??! You don’t know him Jess. It doesn’t matter,” I argue, trying to change the topic. But he just won’t give it up. “It does. Just tell me his name.” “His name is Michael okay?!?!” I yell. “So he’s your boyfriend now?” I scream in frustration, and jump to my feet, ready to rip out my hair. “Yes... no ... I-I don’t know! I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can we just stick to tutoring?” He shrugs, with a scowl on his face covering up a pout. I can tell it’s very hesitantly, that he doesn’t want to give up and move on. But he does anyway, and with that, we’re right back on track. But the rest of the night, and the week, I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking that when he asked why I loved Michael, he was actually asking me why I didn’t love him instead. But no matter how much sense it made to me, I kept pushing the idea out of my mind, ruling it out due to lack of common sense. Of course Jess doesn’t like me. There’s no way he does. He was just.... concerned.

                   April 1-3    Jess

          I am still not over the fact that April has a boyfriend. Michael. What kind of a name is Michael? Why doesn’t he go by Mike or even Mikey? MICHAEL. It’s a boring name. He’s probably a boring person. A boring person that somehow got April to love him. I wouldn’t consider myself boring. Jess certainly isn’t a boring name. So why doesn’t April love me? Maybe if I talk in monotone about the weather and cars, she’ll fall for me. Maybe if I change my name to Michael, find a picture of him, change my hair and clothes and everything, then she’ll be fooled and think I’m him. Only then would I get to kiss her soft loving lips. I hate this guy so much, and I’ve never even met him. In all respect, I’m sure he’s a decent human being. But now that he’s romantically involved with the woman I love, he’s automatically a jerk that deserves antagonism. I hate the fact that he’s held her in his arms, that he’s cradled her world and felt her breath against his heart. I hate the fact that he’s touched her silk fingers, that he’s stroked her palm and gave her the comfort that he’d keep her from harm. I just don’t understand why April doesn’t love me. I know that it’s not oblivion, because I’ve made it about as obvious as I could have without saying it straight. I’m at the point where I don’t even think I need to tell her, because it wouldn’t make any difference. I would just be humiliated after she gives me the line that she wants to “just be friends.” But I just can’t let her go. She’s everything to me. I cannot look at a sunset without thinking of her smile, and all the air around me is her smell that I drink. I can’t breathe without her eyes swelling my soul. My heart can’t beat many more times without her resting in my arms. I’m at the point where I don’t know how much longer I can go on without her. I can’t live forever with her as just being a friend. This is an agony that cannot be compared to being set on fire or shot with a bullet, because the way she makes me feel hurts so much more. I am so desperate, I am so so desperate to feel her lungs against my chest that I can’t think of a thing that I wouldn’t do for her. I am Romeo, with poison in my system and love in my veins. And my Juliet has not laid a finger upon the bottle we were supposed to share. She will never lie her body over mine, and I’ll be dead without my love.

                   April 1-4    April

          Michael gave me a call today. It was actually in the middle of a session, and Jess got really suspicious. When I picked up my phone, and recognized the number, I had to cover before I could go out on the patio. “Hi Sophie!” There is silence on the other end, and Jess looks up in curiosity “Sophie? Have you forgotten about me already?” “Yeah we totally should hook up this weekend, Sophie!” I chirped, finally going outside and escaping Jess’s wary gaze. “All right, what is going on with you? Did you get amnesia or something?!” he laughs. “No of course not. I just couldn’t talk at that moment, but everything is good now. How are you? I miss you up there,” I reply, talking quietly so Jess can’t listen. “I’m not doing so hot. It’s hell without you here,” he admits. I smile at his sweetness. “Aww thanks. I miss you too. Listen, we haven’t talked since I was there, and I was wondering what our relationship is now. Like are we just friends, or something else....?” I ask nervously. “I don’t know. You tell me.” “Well...... to be reasonable, I’ll never see you aside from the occasional visit. And I’m sure there are other girls you would rather date...” He scoffs and replies without a hint of doubt in his deep, esoteric voice. “Honey, there is no other girl in the world comparable to you. I want you and only you, and if that means I only get to see your beautiful face in pictures, then so be it.” His amazing lines make me grin in loving harmony. He always knows just what to say to clear up any cloud. “Well then, it’s official. We’re back on?” “Absolutely,” he laughs. “Good. I’m feeling very happy with this decision. I’ll talk to you later Michael.” “Bye A. I love you,” he says, but I hang up before I have to say it back. I know he loves me, and it’s an amazing feeling. And I.... think I love him. But every time I try to say it, my throat closes up. I hope he won’t make me say it. I hope he knows that I feel the same way, and it’s an unspoken agreement. But who am I kidding? I’m going to have to say it eventually. I just hope eventually isn’t today.

                   April 6-10    Jess

          Today my parents sat me down in the living room, because we had to talk. They were sitting unusually close to each other, and they both looked terribly uncomfortable. “Jess, your mother and I have something we need to tell you,” my dad says, looking to my mother and then to me. “We want you to know that this decision shouldn’t affect you enormously, but we have decided that it is for the best.” I nod and feel my heart beating against my ribs. My mother sighs, and takes my hand. “Honey..... your father and I have decided to.... separate.” My lungs stop filling with the tense air. I gulp, trying to force words out, but my throat suddenly swallowed a frog, and it’s hogging up the passageway. “You’re getting a divorce?” I ask, trying to wrap my mind around it. I mean it wasn’t unexpected, but I never thought they’d actually go through with it. My mom especially. She’s terrified of being alone. And my dad won’t find anyone else. He’s not rich enough to marry a young hot gold digger, and he knows a lot of people, but all the women his age are married. “Yes we are Jessie. I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault. We just.... think it’s for the best” my mom repeats, nervous creases pressing in her uneasy forehead. “So what’s going to happen?” I ask. My dad grunts and fidgets on the couch.  “Your mother and I were discussing it, and we were thinking that I would stay in the house, and your mother would go visit Aunt Julie in Florida for a little while. Until things are..... worked out.” “Worked out? Meaning.....” “Until other arrangements are made,” my mom finishes.” “Does Christian know? What’s going to happen to us?” I question, making my mom start fidgeting too. “We haven’t exactly talked to Christian yet. And we haven’t tackled the issue of you two either.” “Then...... that’s it?” My dad sighs, and nods. “Okay, uh.... I have homework so....” “All right, we’ll get back to you when we’ve decided more,” my mother concludes. “Oh Jessie?” I look behind my shoulder. “I’m really glad you’re taking this so well. Could you do us a favor and let us tell Christian ourselves? I think it’d be better that way.” “Yeah sure Mom. Whatever you want,” I say, going into my room and picking up the phone. I have April’s number memorized by heart, and I have it dialed and ringing before I hang up the phone. It’s instinct to confide in her with everything, but I’ve decided to let her go. If I keep calling her, and thinking about her, it’s only going to sting more. So I have to try and cut her out of my life as much as I can, even if that means losing a friend. Because with the pain she’s causing me, without her even knowing it, I’m losing much more. I’m losing my soul, my heart, my mind, and most importantly.... my sanity.

                   April 5-9    April

          This is complete and utter agony. I want to leave this  place and go back to New York, back to Michael’s arms. Nothing is left for me here, nothing is worth waiting for. I’ve completely let go out of the Jess idea. Okay, maybe not completely. But I can’t help the fact that I am an optimistic person. It is just too damn hard to give up. He’s just too damn hard to give up on. I mean yes, of course I love Michael. But I don’t know..... I think I might love Jess too. I don’t know what I would have to do if I had to choose between the two of them. They both are so different, yet I care about them so much. Michael is caring, dependable, sincere, and a good guy to be with. Jess is wild but predictable, funny but serious, he’s just..... everything. But since Jess does not see me as more than a friend, I have to move on and appreciate the fact that I am with an amazing guy. I probably don’t know how lucky I am to have him. Jess is just a friend, and not an ounce more.

          Okay, so I know I said that I was giving up on the Jess idea, but I kind of lied. Well I didn’t exactly lie, I just...... exaggerated the truth. He’s practically ignoring me now. He sits with other people at lunch, people I don’t know, and people I don’t think he knows either. He won’t really talk to me anymore, but he’s not really being cold or hostile. Just.... impassive. Finally, I can’t take it anymore. Sure it was a few days, but Jess is one of my closest friends here. I can’t just forget about him. “What is going on with you?” I ask on our way to the bus. “Nothing is going on with me April,” he says dully. I pause, trying to find the words. “Yes there is. There obviously is. It’s like you had the life sucked out of you or something. Tell me what’s going on.” He shakes his head, and climbs the steps to the bus. “Come on Jess! I want to know! I need to know. I can’t stand to see you like this,” I argue, forcing him to sit with me. “I am having....... issues. But it’s nothing I can’t handle myself,” he explains, swallowing and looking straight ahead. “Issues? What kind of issues? Are you okay? Are you sick or something?!” He shakes his head and closes his eyes, like a teacher ready for retirement. “I’m fine. Everything is.... fine. Don’t worry about me, April. Nothing is wrong.” But I am not going to give up that easily. Not when I’ve fought for so long to not say anything at all. “I’m not going to stop asking Jess. Until you tell me, or until this funk of yours stops,” I say. He shrugs and smiles a little. “You will eventually. You’re going to get worn down, and I am not going to tell you,” he says, getting great relish out of this. “Jess, tell me. Come on. Tell me!!!! What do I have to do?!” I cry, and he smirks. “All right you really want to know?” he asks, and I give an eager nod. “Okay then, I want you to get down on the floor, and beg.” I stop blinking in astonishment. Was he even serious? “Jess, you can’t actually make me do that......” He shrugs defiantly and points to the aisle. “Hands and knees. Beg.” I take in a breath and try to negotiate. “But Jess, the bus is moving. It’s unsafe. And..... dirty.” He folds his arms, and I can tell he is serious. What is wrong with him? Why would he honestly want to make a human do that? But all the same, I lower to the ground, bow my head, and let all my dignity and class fly out the window. “Oh Jess, please, please tell me why you are so moody,” I say blandly, and he smiles with satisfaction. “Good. I can tell you know,” he says, and I hop back up to the seat. “My parents are getting a divorce.” My breath clenches in shock. If this whole thing was his idea of a sick joke..... it was the farthest thing from funny. “Jess! Why didn’t you tell me?!” I cry, throwing my arms around him in comfort. I smell his deodorant, his hair gel, his natural beautiful scent. But he quickly pushes me away in protest. “I’m fine. It’s not a big deal,” he snaps. I bite my tongue in hurt sheepishness. What had I done? Why was he being so bitter?! “Jess, if I did something.....” He looks up, and his eyes flash with pain. But he quickly looks away, and scowls. “You did.” My mind races with possibilities. Could it have been when I told him his boxers were girlie? When I said he smelled like flowers? I didn’t mean to hurt his masculinity, I was just trying to be funny. But no, it couldn’t be that. He laughed, he didn’t show any sign of being offended. “What? What did I do?” He sighs and makes his hand a claw clenched to his forehead. “Just.... everything. You did everything April,” he whispers. “What do you mean? What did I do wrong?!” He looks like he is about to cry, and I can actually see tears pushing to the exit. But he doesn’t wipe them away. He just looks at me with this wounded expression, and every inch of skin on his face looks injured. I want to cradle him in my arms, make him smile and take away all his pain. But I don’t. I just sit there, watching him. Finally, he speaks in a scared breath. It shakes terribly, and it’s terrified to speak it’s mind. But it does anyway. “April, you did everything. I’m the way I am because of the way you are.” My heart stops, and his twinkled eyes harden like a cocoon and glare out the window. His mouth is set, but I know that it’s just a mask, covering up the way he really feels. I take his hand, and move my head so that we’re eye to eye almost directly. “Jess, what is going on,” I whisper. He bites his lip, and keeps looking from my eyes to my mouth. “April-” he begins, and I feel his hand tense. My own body is tighter than a body builder’s abs, and I am holding my breath in complete and utter fear. “April I.... I-” he stutters to get the words out, and they quiver with terror. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just- I’m a little dazed by this situation. You didn’t do anything, it’s my stuff. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I’m sorry.” My muscles turn to jelly, and the wind is knocked out of me. All the hope I had rising to my skin, just disappeared into thin air. But I force a smile and nod. “I understand,” I say, taking back my hand and turning to face forward. We sit in silence for the rest of the ride. But I’m more sure now than ever that he wanted to tell me something else. And that the situation wasn’t about his parents.

                   April 12-14    Jess

          Christian just found out. I was listening to them talking in the living room, and they stuck with the introduction they gave me. My dad mutters something, and Christian screams, “WHAT?!” My mom starts talking quietly, trying to comfort him and rock him without really rocking him. But he’s too old to be rocked, and he screams instead. “What is wrong with you?! Why are you getting a divorce?!” I want to run out and scream with him, at my parents for messing up the only thing left that I could count on. Aren’t parents supposed to set a good example for their kids? Does this tell me that I should get married young like they did, and then get a divorce later? But I just sit in my room, holding my notebook to my chest, and having my knees serve as comfort. Christian stomps out, and slams the door to the patio. My mom starts crying, and my dad hushes her soothingly. “He’ll be all right. He’s going to be just fine.” I jump to my feet and run after him. “Jess, leave me alone. I don’t feel like talking right now,” he snaps. But I keep following him, like a little puppy tagging at his heels. “I know, I heard too. I can’t believe it either.” He keeps his stride and doesn’t even flinch at my response. “I think that you are a little too young to hear what I am thinking,” he admits. “Then test me.....” I whisper. He stops, thinking to himself for a second. Pondering in his head whether he should or not. “In the words of a sixteen year old, I’m mad and I hate them both.” I blink, and wait for more, but he just shuts his mouth and runs his hand through his hair. It ripples like waves on a hot summer night. “I’m mad at them too. I can’t believe they’d do this to us,” I agree. But he doesn’t want someone to concur with him. He wants someone to scream with. I can see it building in his eyes. He wants to tip his head back, wake up all the neighbors, and shriek his lungs out. So I do. Even though I don’t want to, I take his hand, and I do. And then he joins me, and we’re like a couple of werewolves, howling in the night. After a minute, my voice cracks and I stop. He gives me a smile and squeezes my hand. “Thanks Jess. You knew just what I needed.”

          We walk back to the house in silence, and my mom is waiting for us at the kitchen table when we get through the door. “Christian if you could just understa-” He cuts her off though, not caring less if he tried. “I don’t want to hear it, Mom. I really really don’t. Save the apologies for someone who’ll listen.” And we walk to his room, and start looking at old photo albums together. We see me and him when we were five at some lake. He’s hogging the camera, and I’m almost pushed out of the photo, but we’re both laughing. And then we see a picture of him at football practice in middle school, with a helmet on his head and sweat dripping down his face. “I remember watching you play,” I smile, looking at it fondly. When the farthest thing from his mind was girls, and all he cared about was scoring that winning touchdown. “I remember it too. Dad loved to come to the games. He’d break his rule of being stern, and would be up there screaming and cheering for me like all the other moms. It was weird watching him, but I loved it,” he says beaming. And then we come across a picture of our parents, when they were thirteen at a dance. My dad is dressed up in a tux, and he has his arm thrown around my mom as if he was claiming her. My mom looks nervous in his arms, but she’s grinning from ear to ear all the same. Christian looks at it a long time, playing his fingers at the corners and peeling up the old cover. “I miss those days,” he says, staring at it hard. I don’t say anything, just stare at it too. “When we were all younger, and they were really public about their love. I remember thinking it was the grossest thing in the world. Who would want to see their parents making out at an open house for school! But now, I miss it. I miss it more than anything.” I nod in agreement, and he shuts the book and puts it back under his bed. “Go to bed kid. You have school tomorrow,” he whispers and pushes me off to my room. But as I’m lying there, I swear I hear him crying through the wall. It’s quiet and stifled, but I listen close and I can hear it. I want to get up and crawl in bed with him like when we were  kids. But I don’t. I just listen to him cry. Eventually his light goes off and his crying is replaced with snores. But as I am falling to sleep, I realize something. Something I’ve never really thought of before. I’ve never seen Christian cry.

                   April 11-13      April

          The worst possible thing that could have happened, did. Hannah and Sophie are moving. I cannot believe this is happening to me. Just when I make some new friends, they leave. I guess I know how Aloni, Joey, Katy, and Fay felt when I left. That weekend, we’re sitting on the porch in our bathing suits. It’s not unusually sunny, but a few minutes in, it starts raining. “Let’s go!” Hannah cried, running for her house. But Sophie and I stayed, getting soaked in our lawn chairs. “April, I need to tell you something,” she whispers, and I grunt in acknowledgment. The rain on my bare skin feels like a massage. “April, listen to me” she says solemnly, and I bring down my sunglasses. “What’s up?” She sighs, and starts wiggling her leg. Immediately my curiosity turns to dread. “April...... Hannah and I are moving.” My heart stops. “Shut up,” I plead rather than say. She shakes her head seriously. “I’m not kidding April. We’re really moving. To Washington.” I swallow hard, and I feel myself starting to cry. “Please don’t get upset. We’ll still talk and everything,” she says. “What’s so great about Washington?!” I cry. “A scholarship.” I run into my house, throw myself on my bed and sob. I cry as if I’ve never cried before. My pillow is a river and my eyes are it’s waterfall. “April! April, talk to me!” she calls from down on the porch. I hear rocks hitting my window, like a girl dreams of having her boyfriend do, but it’s not as dreamy when it happens to me. It’s Sophie, and it’s not to declare her love for me. It’s to talk about her leaving. Leaving me, leaving behind the only real friendship I had here. She keeps calling, but I scream at her to go away and eventually, she does. She does even though I didn’t really want her to. My dad comes up a few hours later, and when he sees me bawling, he rushes to my side. “Oh April, this is so unfair,” he agrees after I tell him, rubbing my hand. “It’s horrible! Why does this stuff always happen to me?!” I weep, my breath shortened. He shakes his head and offers me all these things to make me feel better, but no tangible object is going to heal this wound. My best friends here are leaving me, and I’m going to be right back where I started. Alone and miserable.

                   April 13-17      Jess

          Christian has been avoiding my parents altogether. I haven’t seen him talk to them once. My mom is terribly blue, moping around and using up all the tissues. I guess I can understand. She’s getting a divorce from the only love of her life, and her children are sore at her for doing so. In all fairness, it’s not really her fault. It’s not my dad’s either. They just couldn’t work it out. Some things you just have to give up on and let go of. Some things. That doesn’t mean all things. That doesn’t include a thing named April. I have decided to keep hope. Weird time to be so optimistic huh? Well I love her too much, and ignoring my feelings hasn’t been working. I am in such a rut, stuck everywhere I go. I want to let go, my fingers are stubborn. I want to love, my heart is angry. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

          I talked to Olivia today. She was sitting in the foyer, eating her salad all by herself. She looked so alone without her cheerleaders surrounding her, so I decided to sit with her. “Hi Olivia,” I chirp, and she looks up in disbelief. “Hi Jess,” she mutters, twisting her fork. “Why are you talking to me?” I laugh, and shrug. “I don’t know. You look lonely. Do you want me to leave?” I offer, but she shakes her head quickly. “No, I-it’s fine. I was just surprised is all. How have you been?” She speaks quietly, when no one is around to listen. When there is no one around to show off for. “I’m okay. How are you? I haven’t talked to you in a while.” She nods in agreement. We sit in silence for a minute, and I get up to leave when she stops me. “Jess..... we need to talk,” she whispers, and I sit back down. “I know that you love April.” My heart stops, just like it did with Christian. How can it be so obvious to everyone but her? “How?” I squeak, and she gives a weak smile. “The way you look at her. I can see it in your eyes.” I blink and decide to admit it. Sure the whole school might find out, but by the looks of it, everyone already sees it. “Okay, so I do. Why does that matter to you?” I ask, afraid she’s going to bombard me with feelings. But she takes a breath and says, “You need to tell her.” I almost fall out of the chair in shock. Was this the same Olivia that I knew? The one who would not let me look at a girl without yelling at me? I decide not to ask her why she’s acting so different. I just play along. It feels like if I do, I’ll ruin something that I need to hear. “How do you know I haven’t?” I ask, and she looks at me with a blank stare. “Because if you had, you two would be dating right now,” she replies laughing. I begin to speak, but she rolls her eyes. “Jess, she loves you. That’s obvious too. I don’t see why you two won’t just take the risk and tell each other. It’s clear that the feelings are mutual.” My face flushes with embarrassment. “But what if-?” She shakes her head in complete confidence. “She loves you. I may not be smart in school, but love is one area where I am experienced in. And she loves you. Trust me even if this is the last time you ever will. Trust me.” She gets up and starts to walk away, but I call after her. “Olivia!” I cry, and she turns around. “What if I’m nervous?” She smiles sympathetically. “You have to decide, Jess. Is this agony worth the fear? Or would you rather take the jump, offer her your hand, and fall together.” I almost start to cry. All these emotions come flooding back to me and they all hit me at once. “Oh, Olivia?” I call one last time. “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.” She nods solemnly and gives a little smile. “Thank you Jess. Thank you.”     

                   April 16-20     April

          I can’t believe Hannah and Sophie are moving. It seems so weird for UHaul trucks to be in their driveway again. But this time, it’s taking them away, not bringing them to me. I feel like I can’t function anymore. I am in such social despair. “I am so sorry. I don’t want to leave, I really don’t. But Sophie got a scholarship, and it’s too amazing to pass up,” Hannah sobbed. So I cried with them, and hugged them like I did so short ago. “Can we just say goodbye now?” I whispered. “It’s going to be too hard tomorrow.” Sophie nods, and kisses my cheek. “April, you are an amazing girl. But do me a favor?” I wipe my eyes to look at her. “Talk to Jess. He has something to tell you.” I raise my eyebrow. “What are you talking about?” I ask. She looks to Hannah, and they smile in ways only twins would understand. “Just do it.... for me? April, I love you, and I am going to miss you so much,” Hannah cries, weeping into my shoulder. Sophie’s lip trembles and she pinches my nose in the way she did when we first met. “I do too. More than you’ll ever know. We’ll call you tons, okay? The both of us,” she assures me. So with that, I turn my back to go into the house. I look back once, and Sophie and Hannah wave weakly. I want to fall to the ground, crying until I can’t force any more tears out, but I don’t. I want to run to them, throw my arms around their golden necks, and make them stay. But I don’t. I just turn my back on the only friends I have here.

          The next morning I get up before the sun. I hadn’t slept the whole night, stirring in my lack of sleep. My mind wouldn’t leave me alone, and my eyes kept fighting through the swelling. Around five, I get up and sit on my windowsill. I watch the sun rise and the beauty I would normally appreciate and drink in, feels numb against my cold heart. I hear my dad yawn and walk to the coffee  maker, the steps creaking in the tired floorboard. I smell the pancakes drifting up from the kitchen, traveling up the staircase and nagging at my nose. And then, when I think my crying is done, I cry even more. Because I see Hannah getting up and I want to reach out for her hand. To keep her with me. She rubs her eyes and scratches her head, walking groggily down the stairs until she disappears from my sight. I can’t see her room from my house, but I know Sophie is up too. She’s going to have her hair messed up, pinned at the top of her head in a matted catastrophe. Her eyes will be a little smokey from the mascara that she missed the night before, and her lips will be freshly moist from the dreams that made her drool. My dad comes in, and he looks surprised to see me up. “Oh! I didn’t expect you to be up this early” he admits in a whisper. My wooden face musters a nod. He sees me looking painfully at the house, and he sighs. “April, you can’t dwell on this. You’re only hurting yourself if you keep thinking about it. Why don’t you go out or something? Have some fun! Forget about it for a while,” he suggests. My voice cracks with wounds. “I can’t just forget about it! My best friends are moving, and I have no one! Just like it’s always been.” He takes me in his arms, and the smell of his shirt, fresh from the laundry explodes in my face. His hair is curled rebelliously, and it’s coiled in knots around itself. Time slacks off it’s job, and I just rest in his arms as if I was a baby falling asleep. I can feel his muscles through his wife beater, and they wrap me in a comforting hold. Eventually, he gets up and slowly lowers my head back to my pillow and leaves for the shower. But I’m too frozen to think anymore. I’m just too tired. Tired of feeling, tired of thinking, tired of life, just... tired.

                   April 15-21    Jess

          “Jess, Christian, we’ve come to a decision,” my dad said at dinner. I looked up from my pot roast to Christian. He rolled his eyes and grunted. My mom gave a weak smile, and tried to explain. “I think that it’s for the best if I live in Florida with Aunt Julie. Just for now. And your dad will stay here, in the house.” “B-But... where am I going to live?” I whisper. “We decided to let you choose. Christian is old enough to live on his own. So you can either go with your Mom to Florida, or you can stay at the house.” I begin to reply, but Christian butts in. “You’re kicking me out?!” he cries in disbelief. My mom starts wringing her hands together, like an imaginary dish cloth. “Chris, you’re well over 18. You can live on your own, now. It’s time for you to move out,” my dad mutters. Christian lets out a fiery breath, and his eyes burst into flames. “I hate you,” he hisses, and he huffs to his room. My mom whimpers, but my dad is unfazed. “Jess, the choice is yours.” “It’s April! I can’t leave in the middle of a school year! I would have to take junior year all over!” I cry. “Well we can’t wait until summer. We’ve already waited long enough. You don’t have to decide right away, just sleep on it.” My Dad gets up and walks to the bathroom, and my Mom pats my hand. “Jess, I know this is a hard decision. Life-altering, even. But we wanted it to be up to you. Either way, I just want you to be happy,” she breathes. When she gets up to leave, I go back to my room to find Christian. He’s punching my pillow in anger. “Hey! What are you doing?!” I exclaim, and he looks up with pain. “I hate them both. Mom and Dad. How could they make me do this?! They don’t have the right!” I hop on the bed and put my head next to him. “Actually they do,” I mutter, but that just irks him even more. “Whose side are you on anyway!” he shouts. “Sorry. Just saying.” “This sucks. I can’t believe they’re getting divorced.” We sit in silence for a few minutes. I can hear the water running from the faucet, and my parents talking under their breath. “Jess, I have an idea,” he suddenly bursts. “Why don’t you live with me!” I clear my throat uncomfortably. “Uh...... what about Veta?” The spark in his face slowly dies. “Oh yeah. That might be a problem,” he admits. “So.... who are you going to pick?” I sigh and scratch my eyebrow. “I don’t know, Christian. I honestly don’t know.”

                             April 20-24     April

          I watch them get in the car with all their suitcases, and my heart stops beating. I want to run out to them, lock their doors, and let the car drive away. As long as they are still next to me. But I watch them drive away, and I sit there numbly as the pain escalates. My dad sits with me, his hand on my shoulder and his breath down my neck. “April, everything is going to be fine,” he soothes, rubbing my shoulder. I stare at the paved road impassively, and eventually, the clock sounds noon. But my Dad doesn’t leave, and hours pass of us just sitting there, saying nothing. Just watching the rain drip from the storm the night before, the birds singing and the grass covered in sweet dew. I hear a dog bark in the distance, and I jump to my feet. “April.... I’m worried about you,” he whispers as I walk to the house. “You have a right to be upset, your best friends just moved away. But I’m not sure it’s normal to sit for hours, motionless.” I swallow hard and spend half an hour in the shower, letting the icy chill roll down my back and sting my skin. The tub is dark and I love it in there. There is no one to bother be, I am just left alone to think. I eventually get out, change into sweats, and go back outside, spending the whole day staring at a robin pecking at the ground. I can feel my Dad’s eyes on me, but I remain planted until the stars come out to play and the plum blanket settles over the sky. Then, when the dark night is my only companion, I go back into the house and go to sleep. My Dad peeks into my room, and when he sees me immobilized, I hear him dialing numbers on his phone. “Yeah, Win..... I need you here.”

          The next morning, I awake to a figure waiting at my bedside. She has her hair tangled but down, and her clothes are wrinkled. She looks like she spent the whole night there, just waiting for me. I scream when I open my eyes to see this woman anticipating me to awaken. “Who are you?!” I cry when I catch my breath. Her hand tightens on her lap, and she closes her eyes for a second. “My name’s Winnie,” she says quickly. “And why are you next my bed, Winnie?” She squeezes her other hand uncomfortably, and looks around my room. “This is a pretty room April,” she swoons. “Thanks,” I mutter. We sit in silence for a few awkward minutes. “And how do you know my name?” Winnie starts shaking her leg nervously. “I’m a..... friend of your Dad’s,” she finally replies. I feel like I should just lie there, letting her stare at me, but I don’t want to stay in that bed forever. “I’m going to go.....” I say, getting up and walking to the shower. As I’m in the bathroom, running water, I hear her go downstairs to my Dad. They talk hurriedly, almost to a point of fighting. Why would someone come over to fight with my Dad? And why was she watching me sleep? “Win, she needs help,” I hear my Dad mutter. “Help?! Then why did you call me?!” Winnie cries. They talk under their breathes for a few minutes. I sit in the tub, listening to them fight. “Why did you call me after all this time Noah? WHY?” A bowl clatters to the floor. I know it was my Dad that threw it. “Because I’m worried about her. You do still care about her enough to put up with me don’t you?!” he screams. I quickly get dressed and rush downstairs. “What’s going on?” I whimper, coming into the kitchen. My Dad is caught off guard, and he stumbles for words. “I’m.... we’re.....” I look to Winnie and then to him. They look terribly uncomfortable. “Who are you?” She takes a breath, closes her eyes and says, “April, I am your mother.”

                             April 24-30      Jess

          I have gone through many sleepless nights thinking of who I should choose. This isn’t for a vacation or something, this is going to be where I live now. Living in Gainesville would be cool and all, a new place, a fresh start. Plus, I’d rather live with my Mom than my Dad. But I kind of HAVE to stay here, unless I want to take my Junior year all over. And I can’t leave her behind. I just can’t. I think it’d hurt worse to never see her again than see her everyday. So at dinner that night, I clink my glass with my spoon and stand up. “I have reached a decision,” I say all formally. My dad clears his throat, and looks to my Mom. “I am going to stay here with Dad.” My Mom’s eyes well up and she is close to tears. But she takes her napkin, wipes her eyes, and nods. My Dad has a spiteful face on, but he’s covering it up with a solemn expression. So I get up without asking to be excused, and I go out to sit on the swing set. My feet kick up the muddy dirt, and the cool air slices my bare flesh. “Hey,” Christian mutters, coming to sit with me. “Hi,” I reply. A premature cricket chirps in the grass. “How are you doing?” I sigh and watch my Dad washing the dishes in the sink. “Not too great,” I admit. “I feel bad for Mom, but I can’t just up and leave. I have to finish the year!”  Christian nods in agreement, and the sound of my Mom weeping, dreadfully fills our ears. “So..... Veta and I broke up.” I stop swinging and punch him. “OW! What was that for?!” “For not telling me, moron!” I cry. “What happened?” He takes a breath and scruffs his hair. “I don’t know.... we just kind of grew apart. We didn’t get to see each other much, because of her taking on so many classes. And when we did, she was always snappy from early morning study sessions. So about a week ago, we just decided to end it and date other people,” he explains. “Whoa.... that sucks dude. I’m sorry.” “Yeah, me too....” he confesses and I look up to see a shooting star. “Hey look!” I cry, and Christian snaps his neck to the sky. “Make a wish!” he mutters, and we both close our eyes and mutter our desires under our breaths. When we open, silence is all around us and the sky is lonely. “What did you wish for?’ Christian asks. “I can’t tell you! It wouldn’t come true if I did that!” He snorts and kicks a rock out of his path. “You believe in that junk?” I laugh heartily. “You wished on a star, Christian. So you are no mature saint either!” He rolls his eyes and walks to the house with me. “Yeah whatever Jess. I never said I was in the first place.”

                   April 26-30    April

          My stomach clenches around my liver and my knees turn to jelly. “April I wanted to tell you...” my Dad says, but my breath is stolen and my lungs won’t allow me to reply. “Why did you come back,” I finally hiss at Winnie, my hands tightening and my voice rising. “YOU NEVER LOVED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!” I want to run into comforting arms, Jess’s arms. But I stay planted. She starts crying and her voice cracks.  “I couldn’t handle being loved. As weird as that sounds, I was afraid of letting people in. My whole life I had a problem with commitment. And then, I had you April. And my life changed,” she whispers, but her soft words won’t soothe this wound. “I held you in my arms, and your skin was smoother than the most expensive silk. You were so beautiful, and from the moment they placed you in my arms, I knew I could never love you the way I wanted to.” My lip trembles, and my hands shake into a tense worry. “Don’t blame this on yourself April. I loved you so much, but not as much as I ever could. And one day, when I watched you outside, playing with the neighbors, I just decided to leave. I couldn’t handle the package that being a mother gives. So I left. I left your father, and you, and the only life I had. I hitchhiked here, and then, rebuilt my life. I missed you every second of every day, but the pain never ceased. I just kept telling myself that inside, you were better that way.” I start sobbing, and my knees crash to the floor. I hold my head in my hands and all the emotions that I always kept locked inside, flew out. They were trapped inside a stubborn box, and I lost the key. I guess Winnie had it the whole time. “Don’t do this to yourself,” she cooed. “I did it because for some reason, I thought I was going to mess up your life.” “Why would you think that?!” I sputter. She sighs and gets down to take my hands. They are smooth as they stroke my palms. “Because I was afraid of myself? Because I was afraid of loving you too much, and then losing you. I thought I could never take it. So I chose to leave when I had the chance, and never be faced with that opportunity. And then, a few mornings ago, I woke up with the phone ringing in your ear. It was your Dad, and he said he was worrying for your sanity. I didn’t have to think for a single second on what to do. I simply hopped in my car, and drove. I didn’t know where you lived or how far it would be. I just drove, because, April..... I was driving to you.” I gasp through my tears and throw my arms around her neck. I want to call her Mom, saying it as much as I can, making up for all the time I never could. It’s such a powerful, beautiful word, that I never had the ability to say. She reluctantly presses her hands to my shoulder blades, and the smell of her perfume rubs against my collar. My Dad almost looks jealous, but I know he’s just trying to protect me. Trying to protect me from being hurt by her again. “April, the minute I saw you sleeping, I knew I never wanted to leave your side again. You are my daughter, and abandoning you when you were growing up was the biggest mistake I ever made.” I never want to let go of her gentle locks, brushing against my aching fingers. “Are you okay?” she asks softly, the words tingling on my neck. I smile, bigger than I think I’ve ever smiled before. “I am now.”

                   May 2-7      Jess

          In English today, I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We got paired up for a new project, and surprise surprise, I got April. “Now normally, I say not to go overboard on the detail. But for this project, it’s just the opposite. I want you to describe every single thing you notice about your partner, and write about them using poetic license. Do they have thin fingers? Don’t just say that. Say that they have spidery claws. Do you see the difference in effect?” Mr. Yamine explains, assigning us in pairs. April and I are the last people left. I try not to groan. It’s not that I don’t want to work with her, it’s just that it is too difficult to hold back all my feelings. She gives me a little smile, and we start working. “Do you want to go first?” she asks, and I nod. “Okay, I’m just going to sit here and model for you. Don’t say anything mean.” So she throws one leg over the other, lifts up her head, pushes the hair out of her eyes, and I put down my pencil. At first, the words don’t come out right. It all seems too simple, not deep enough for April. But then, as I am over aware of the time ticking away on the clock, they start flowing.

          Her blue eyes twinkle like New York City lights. They demand attention rather than ask, and on the surface, they are like pools of sapphire. Her lips are cracked from too many smiles, and they push indignantly when someone challenges her opinion. Her eyelids flutter like a pack of butterflies, her eyelashes the color of deep licorice. There is a pimple flicking her cheek, and you can see the persistence in her finger tips, trying to fight the urge to pop it. There are braces on her slightly dulled teeth, pink and silver. They dazzle and pop, and draw any eye. Her hair is wrapped in coils around her arms, a light, unsure brown. It’s soft to the touch, like sticking your feet in the sand during summer. Her shoulders arch, clearly faking confidence to the only people who look. There are bruises on her ankles from her clumsiness, and her virgin white socks are desperately trying to cover them up. There is an amethyst pendant shining on her naked neck. Underneath her chin is a scar, from cracking her jaw on cement when she was five. The doctors did a good job of covering it up, but it can still be seen if you look closely enough. Her finger nails are bitten to the flesh, results of late night worrying over report cards. Polish is barely covering the remaining nail. She has-

          “Jess! Are you done yet?” she cries when the bell is close to ringing. “No, not quite” I stutter, taken aback from being startled. “I guess you’re really getting into the detail part,” she laughs. Just as I set the pencil back on the paper it is time to leave again. “Don’t worry, you can finish me later. Normal time?” “Yeah that’s fine...” I mutter, and she flies out the door to math. I close up the paper in a tight square, making sure it will never be lost. If anyone ever found this, I’d be dead for SURE.

                   May 1-4       April

          It’s weird to have a mother. Everything changes. Now, when I’m picking out an outfit for school, I have an experienced opinion. She can help me brush my hair, and won’t use the whole bottle of hair gel like my Dad did once. It’s amazing, but at the same time, it’s confusing. I’m not used to it. I feel always on guard, afraid I’ll do something wrong. Should I call her Mom? Or Winnie? I’m used to being a daughter, but not in the way having a mother demands. When I told Jess, he couldn’t believe his ears. “Your mother came back?!” he cries, and makes everyone turn around. “Shh! I don’t want everyone to know!” He blushes and apologizes. “She came back?” he whispers again. I nod. “Yeah. My Dad called her when he said he was worried about me. After Hannah and Sophie left.” “Wow, April that’s..... wow,” he mutters. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now,” I say. “What do you mean?” I sigh and run my hand through my ponytail. “I don’t know if she’s going to stay. I’m just... trying to enjoy the time she’s here.” “April, that’s great. Really,” he smiles and I get this wave of pure happiness. I have a mother and a father. Sure I may not have Jess, or Hannah, or Sophie. But I have a mother.

          “April, we need to talk,” Winnie says the next day, taking my hand and sitting me on the porch. “I have to be honest with you. I don’t know if I’m going to stay.” And at that moment, every ounce of happiness I had in my heart sinks to my stomach. “What?” I manage to squeak. “I love you so much honey. You will always be my daughter. But I have a life, and I can’t just leave it behind now. I have a job, a good job. And my boyfriend misses me. I can’t forget all of it. I just can’t.” Winnie puts my hand to her heart. “Don’t cry, little girl. Don’t cry. Some things are just not meant to be,” she whispers, kissing my forehead. But that just makes me cry even harder. “You can’t leave me again! I can’t handle it. I need a Mother. I need you,” I sob. She puts my head against her shoulder and it smells like vanilla. I take a long breath and drink it in. “April, you are my sunshine. You will always be the love of my life. But it doesn’t involve a child. Maybe I made a mistake coming back. Maybe I should have just let it be. But I didn’t. And now, we have to figure out what to do,” she says. The wind blows against my tears. “We’re fortunate to have time. But I need to be honest with you if we want to build a relationship. Long distance or not.” My Dad comes out and sits with us, and it’s like we’re all a family again. But before I have time to capture the moment, Winnie gets up to go take a nap in the basement and my Dad goes to cook dinner. And I’m left sitting there, afraid to think. Because if I have time to myself, I’ll realize what I don’t want to realize. That Winnie will soon leave me.

                   May 9-13                      Jess

          Think of the worst possible thing that could happen. Got it in your mind? Good. That thing just happened to me. Okay so April didn’t die, nobody died, and maybe I’m just exaggerating. But somebody found the paper. I don’t know how, but all I know is that it is now posted throughout the school. The only upside was the fact that I had yet to put my name on it when I lost it. It’s posted on every bulletin board, every locker, and every wall in the school. On the top, “Have you seen this lover?” above a faceless figure. Then everything I wrote for April, is there, for the world to see. “Have you heard about this guy they’re trying to find? It is SO sweet,” a girl whispers in the hallway. Everywhere I look I hear them all talking. Every single person saw it. Even the teachers were discussing it in the lounge. And with that group of everyone, April is included. “Jess, have you seen the poster? Of that guy who wrote that paragraph? It is so amazingly romantic. He must get really good English grades to be able to write like that. So that narrows down half the male population,” she laughs at lunch. I swallow my sandwich hard and nod. “Who do you think it could be?” she sings, looking around at the lunchroom. “I really don’t care,” I mutter, holding my breath. “What about Ace? He seems like the type. He’s always writing, and he’s completely in love with Mia.” I shrug and get up to throw it away. I lost my appetite with these butterflies. “And Howard’s always had the eye for Chelsea. It could be him too,” she says. “Can we stop talking about it now? You are just being like everyone else. It’s not that big of a deal,” I snap. She looks hurt. “Okay, gosh Jess. I didn’t know you were so defensive. It’s not like it’s you or anything,” she chortles. I get up to leave. I don’t feel like fighting with her anymore. “What is wrong with you! It’s fun to try and figure out who it is!” she calls after me. “Is it? Is it really? Who even said it was a guy in the first place?” I cry. Her face goes pale. “You know who it is don’t you?” I bite my tongue and start walking away. “Who is it?! You have to tell me!” she exclaims, running after me. “No. Leave me alone.” She pulls at my arm to try and keep up. “IT DOESN’T MATTER! SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO FIND OUT, AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!” I scream, and everyone turns around to look at us. April’s eyes well up and she starts to blubber. All the teachers are staring at me harshly, and I want to run far away. I never meant to yell at her. I was just tired of everyone talking about it. Can’t they just drop it? I dash out of the room, and rip down all the remaining copies (which aren’t very many.) I’m so sick of all of this. I don’t even know how someone found it! “AHHHHHH!” I scream, throwing all the paper down and collapsing to the floor. Olivia is the only one in the hallway with me, and her eyes are wide. “So... it was you, wasn’t it,” she says, coming to sit down next to me. “Yeah...” I mutter weakly. “Well I think it’s sweet.” I give a pitiful smile. “Thanks Olivia. That means a lot.” “You know, she’d think it’d sweet too,” she says. I sigh and bring my head to my lap. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” The bell rings. “We’ve got to get to class,” she says, pulling me up. “Yeah, I guess we do.” So we walk off to Chemistry together, just like old times. Sure we’re not holding hands or anything, but we still are together in one way or another. That girl will always be in my life, I swear.

                   May 7-10                      April

          There is this paper going around the school that someone wrote for an English assignment. You see, everyone had to write all the details they noticed about their partner. And this guy wrote one that was absolutely incredible. He lost it I guess, and someone found it and put it up all over the school. No one knows who it was, and everyone is trying to figure it out. People are saying that the one who discovers the mystery man will become really popular. Sure that might be a myth, but I can’t say I’m not going to try.

          I have been thinking of all the guys, and I’ve even went as far as making a list of requirements. He has to be straight, that’s for sure. Because the person that he wrote about in the paragraph was a girl. He has to get really good English grades, because the guy’s got talent. There’s no way he could be failing and have written something like that. He has to be.... well.... a guy. Unless a girl wrote it about a girl. But it didn’t sound like a female style anyway. And that’s all I got. The grades thing cancels out most guys, but there are so many people in this school. It could be anyone. This is not getting me anywhere. I have absolutely no chance of winning this contest. UNLESS! Unless I approach it from another angle! I’ve been going about it all wrong! I should look it at from the girl’s point of view! What does she look like? Blonde hair, blue eyes. Hah. Like that is obvious. Scar underneath her chin, pink and silver brac-..... OH MY GOD THAT’S ME.

                   May 14-20     Jess   

          April knows. Oh my god, she KNOWS! How could this have ever happened to me? I guess I can’t say that I didn’t expect her to figure it out. She’s not a complete moron, and it’s kind of obvious with all the description. Stupid details, they’ll always get you in trouble! “I’m sorry about making you mad the other day,” she mutters in Biology. “Whatever.” “No, I’m sincerely apologizing. And I know you don’t want to talk about it-” she says quickly, and I give a long sigh. She pauses, waiting for me to explode, but I decide to let her continue. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I was thinking and.... Jess..... the girl in the paragraph sounds an awful lot like..... me.” My heart sinks, and my head spins. How could she find this out? Not this way! This is not possibly happening! I cough and my hands start shaking. I’m trying my hardest to not spit it all out. Trying so hard to not tell her that she is my everything, that I breathe for her and that she takes what breath I have. Trying not to tell her that I love her. “Jess....” she whispers, her eyes frightened. I start to cry, not full on sob or anything, but my eyes become a little moist. I blink back the tears and swallow hard. “Okay, so it is about you. But that was the assignment. It doesn’t mean anything!” I assure her quietly. She wants to believe me, I can see that she wants to. But she still questions it. “You’d tell me if it meant anything more.... right?” “Yeah. Of course.” She sighs relieved and smiles a little. “Sorry, that was dumb. All this chaos over it, and it was just for an English assignment. I shouldn’t have believed it was anything,” she laughs but it shakes a little, nervously almost. “I know. It’s just got so blown up, and it’s so stupid,” I chuckle a little too. But deep down, I’m DYING. It’s not stupid. It’s not dumb. It’s real. I love her. And how the world found out? I have no idea.

          “Your mother’s leaving,” I hear down the hallway one morning before school. Christian sniffles and I can hear him whisper something in her ear. I run down to the living room, and I see suitcases on the carpet. “Jess, your mother’s going to go now,” my Dad says softly, and I bury my head in her shoulder. “Why do you have to leave!” I sob and she wipes her smeared lipstick. “Because this life isn’t for me anymore. I’ll write, okay? And call so much you’ll get sick of me,” she laughs painfully. I reluctantly let go of her perfumed body, and she picks up her stuff. “Well. I guess this is the end.” Christian swings me underneath his arm, and his shirt is dirty from the laundry. His eyes twinkle with tears in the sunlight, and I hold on tightly to his hips, not wanting to let go of him too. “I’ll see you around,” my dad grunts, trying to remain stern. He gives her an awkward hug. “I love you both so much. I’m going to miss you more than you could ever imagine,” she says, heading for the door. “Bye,” Christian breathes and we watch her drive down the dirt road. I break down in Christian’s arms, and he squeezes tighter. “It’s okay, kid. Everything is going to be okay.” I love his raspy voice assuring me. “She’s gone,” I sob, and I can feel the stubble on his jaw against my cheek. “Yeah. She is. And we can’t bring her back, but we can live without her,” he whispers and after a few minutes, he pushes me off. “Get ready for school, Jess. Buck up and be a man. You’re going to be fine.” I know he isn’t doing that to be mean. I know he’s just trying to give me tough love. But I see my Dad staring too hard at the table top, thinking about her. And I see Christian fighting too hard against the tears. And I see me, in the puddles left over from April rains, trying to be okay.

                   May 12-14          April

          It was Jess. It was Jess all along. He wrote that for me, and I finally worked up the nerve to confront him about it. But guess what? I was wrong. I was utterly and terribly wrong. He did what he was assigned for English class, and it meant nothing more. I don’t even know why people blew it up the way they did. It’s not even a big deal at all! I feel so foolish for believing what everyone was so sure about. It was a stupid English paper, and that is all it ever was.

          I have made a decision. The biggest decision of my life. I am going to live with my Mom. After thinking about it for so many nights, seeing her and knowing in my soul that she was the woman who gave me life, I made up my mind to stay with her. I love my dad so much, but a father is never as special as a mother. Especially a mother you haven’t seen for over ten years. Now all I have to do is tell them both.  

          “I want to live with you,” I spit out when we’re watching TV. “What?!” Winnie cries. I take a breath and close my eyes. “I understand that you can’t leave your life for me, but I decided to leave my life for you.” She starts crying. “April, are you sure you want to do this? Leave behind all your friends and everything? I’m not sure you’re thinking logically.” I shake my head quickly and sit on the edge of my chair. “No. No I’m sure. I want this. I want to stay with you. Maybe you were right when you said that coming here was a mistake. But you did, and everything happens for a reason. So I’m listening to my heart, and it’s thumping hard. It’s telling me to never let you out of it’s sight again.” She starts sobbing, and that makes me cry. “April, that is so amazingly beautiful. And I guess if it means that much to you, we can work something out,” she says. I jump to my feet in happiness. “Really?!” I cry. She smiles weakly and nods. “It’s not going to be easy that’s for sure. We’re going to have to work around my job, your father, and school. But if it is what you really want, than I’ll do it for you.” I hug her tightly and squeal. It’s not until I’m falling asleep at night that I realize what I’m leaving behind. Or.... who.

                   May 25- June 3                    Jess

          I have made up my mind. I can’t wait any longer. This exploding flame inside me is so damn persistent.  Every word she speaks burns in my mind, and it replays with every step I take, like a broken record. I live for her and I can’t live without her. She is my everything and without her I am nothing. She is the only girl I will ever love. And although it may kill me, and although I may never get over it, I have to tell her. I love her too much to keep this secret any longer.

          I write out this perfectly planned letter. It’s been erased so many times that there are a few holes in the paper. There is blood on the top from my paper cut. But it’s going to be read by April. I seal it up carefully and put it in an envelope. I write April on the outside cover, and I carry it to her house. All the while my heart is erupting. Don’t tell her, don’t tell her, don’t tell her, my head screams. You love her, you love her, you love her, my heart shrieks. My stomach is flipping over like pancakes on a Saturday morning, and I can’t breath. I guess this is what they call a panic attack. I ring the doorbell, envelope in hand, and let out a long sigh. I smile, and say “Hi is April there?” when her Dad answers the door. He grunts uncomfortably and says, “I’m sorry. She’s already left.”

          “W-What?” He runs his fingers through his hair and invites me in. “No thank you. Please, can you just.... tell me what happened?” I stutter. Maybe he means that she’s just gone to the market or something. Stop freaking out. Breathe. Talk. “You know her mother came back right?” He asks and I nod. “Well her Mom, Winnie, decided that she couldn’t stay here. She only came because I called her. And April really wanted to stay with her mother, so we all worked it out so they could live together. She left yesterday.” My head spins, and my eyelids vibrate. “Are you okay? You don’t look so well,” April’s father says. “I-I-I’m fine. Thanks.” I dash out the door, and sprint down the street. I don’t even notice when I drop the envelope. I’m too busy wiping my eyes and trying to force air out of my lungs.

                   June 1-3             April

          I love it here. It’s amazing, and the weather is incredible. I am so glad I made this decision. I love my Mom so much, and in a way, Sophie and Hannah moving was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because with it came sadness which brought my mother back. My Mom’s boyfriend is pretty nice. His name’s Howard. It’s nice that they don’t have any kids, so I don’t have to be annoyed by little step siblings. And they let me do pretty much whatever I want. I don’t have a bedtime and I don’t have school anymore. So I just do what I feel like all day long. Usually it’s writing. About Jess. I miss him so much out here. It’s one of the only downsides of moving. But I have unbelievable news! Winnie’s going to let me go back for prom. We already talked to the school, and we had to fill out all of this paperwork, but I’m officially out. And they said it was still okay if I came for prom. So she helped me pick out a dress and everything, and I’m just going to go as the final icing on the cake. That phase of my life is over, and it’s okay. I have to accept the fact that missing Jess is normal, even expected. I love him..... loved him. But I have to let him go. After Prom, I’m officially over him.

                   June 5-10                    Jess

          I miss April so much. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t think. All of me is just numb. I need her. I can’t live without her at my side. Why did she have to leave me? She’s so far away, and I don’t know how to function anymore. It’s like a piece of my soul is just gone. I wish I never met her. She may be my soul mate, but love isn’t worth this pain.

          Prom is tomorrow. I don’t even want to go. Nothing is worth anything anymore. What sense is there living if  there is no one to live for? My Mom’s gone, April’s gone, and my mind left with them both. It’s so hard and useless to breathe anymore.

          “You have to go Jess. You have to! It’s prom!” Christian cries when he asks about it that night. “No I don’t have to. And I don’t want to. Who cares!” I mutter when we’re playing video games. “You should! Get over April. There are so many fish in the sea.” I snort. “But she’s the only fish for me. I don’t want any other fish. She’s a prime trout in a sea of guppies.” He sighs at my stubbornness and throws the controller at me. “You are going to regret this, kid. Listen to me, and go. Forget the video games, and come to my closet,” he says. I reluctantly get up and follow him to his room. “This should fit,” he whispers to himself, throwing me a tux. “Christian, you’re like double my height. There’s now way this is going to work.” But he makes me try it on anyway, and when I slip it on, I’m surprised to see how well it fits. Sure it’s a little long in the arms, but it’s not too bad. And it’s definitely too late to get a proper fitting one, so this is the best I got. “So! You’ve got the tux, and maybe you don’t have a date, but who cares! Just go with your own company. Heck, I’ll be your date if you want,” he chuckles. I take the suit and put it in my room, and decide to go. Not with Christian, but I guess I’ll call up Olivia. I don’t really have a choice, unless I want to go alone. Hah, like that’ll happen.

                     June 11-  April

          It’s prom, and I’m back in town. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see Jess, but I’m not really worried about it. I’m just happy being back for now. It’s good to see my Dad again, too. I feel like I was away at camp or something. “April! I missed you!” he cries when Winnie and I get home. “I missed you too” I sigh into his shoulder. “Are you excited for prom?!” “So excited. I’ve been waiting for this since I was a little girl,” I admit. All that was left to do was wait.

          I slip on my dress too early, I apply my makeup and do my hair. But I still have to wait to leave. “Wow April!” my parents cry when I walk down the staircase. “Your dress is beautiful!” Winnie exclaims, and I beam from ear to ear. “You look so pretty honey. Pictures!” I smile and pose obediently. “Oh April, I forgot to give this to you. I found it in the driveway after you left. It’s a little dirty, but it’s unopened. Do you want it?” my Dad asks, and when I nod, he hands it to me. “Let’s go.” I cradle the envelope in my hand, wondering whether or not I should open it. If I have time. “See what’s inside already!” Winnie cries, and I laugh while I tear it open.

          April, I am writing this to you because I have kept inside what I feel for you for too long, and you need to know. When I first met you, I never thought it’d result in feeling like this. I never even thought we’d become friends, and now, look where we are. Or where I am, at least. I’ve been so afraid to tell you but I can’t keep it hidden any longer. I love you. The way your hair always gets caught in your mouth, and it makes you choke. I know you think it’s embarrassing, but it drives me crazy. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you smile. They look like little people, dancing in the light. I’ve tried to fight the feeling, but I know it’s never going to go away. You taught me the definition of love. People say that it’s all butterflies and chills, and they’re right. But they’re wrong too, because it’s so much more. Every time I see you my heart beats faster, and my palms start to sweat. My breath is shortened, my throat is tightened, and my mind is blocked. All I can focus on is your beautiful face. You have no idea all the times that I’ve wanted to kiss your lips, to feel your body against mine, to hold you in my arms. I need you in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do if you read this, and you have to tell me that you want to be just friends. I want you so bad April, and I love you so much. All I long for is your kiss. Please make me the happiest man in the world. Because you never know... I could make you the happiest woman.

          “OH MY GOD!” I scream. “HE LOVES ME!” Winnie almost drives off the road. “What is wrong with you! Do you want to give me a heart attack?!” she cries. “Mom, drive faster. I have to get to that prom.”

                   June 11              Jess

          I take Olivia to the prom. It’s not that we’re together, she’s purely a friend. I just wanted to have a date. She understands this, and even respects it. She did give me advice about April after all. “Is she going to be there?” Olivia asks in the car. “I told you she moved.” “Oh... right. Are you ever going to see her again?” “No I probably won’t,” I admit when we pull into the parking lot. It’s then that I see April. She steps out of the car, and I see her looking the best I’ve ever seen her. “There she is,” I breathe, and Olivia whips her head around. “Wow, she looks amazing Jess! Was she supposed to be here?!” she asks. “No, I don’t think so.” Olivia starts to get out when I grab her hand. “No, wait. I don’t want to see her just yet. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. Just.... wait.” After she is safely inside, I take a breath and Olivia and I walk in, staying far away from her. I don’t want April to see me.

          A few hours pass, and I still haven’t talked to her. “I’m sorry Olivia. I’m not a fun date am I?” She laughs and shrugs. “You’re in love, so I’ll cut you some slack. You need to tell her though Jess. This is your last chance,” she says as a slow song starts. “Come on! his is even worse. Maybe if we dance she’ll be less likely to notice me,” I moan, lowering my head. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder, and my stomach explodes. “Yes?” I squeak, not turning around. “Hi Jess.”

          “Are you having fun?” April asks, her arms around my neck. She’s so close to me, I can smell her shampoo. “I-I’m great. It’s amazing,” I lie through my teeth. She smiles weakly. She lowers her head to my shoulder, and I feel her breath in my ear. “I read your note,” she whispers. My feet stop moving and she trips over them. “And...?” She smiles, and my heart pauses. “It was sweet.” I’m this close to tears. I know that’s just another way of saying that she doesn’t feel the same. “Oh... I’m sorry.” She laughs a little. “What are you apologizing for?!” she exclaims. “For loving you,” I breathe. She takes my hand, and tightens when I look her in the eye. “Well then I’m sorry too.” “You’re not saying.....” She bites her tongue and restrains a squeal. “I love you too you idiot.”

                             June 11              April

          We kissed. I really kissed him. Last night really happened. When I woke up, his lips had still touched mine. It was right after we slow danced. He told me that he loved me, and I told him that I loved him, and we kissed. Full on making out on the dance floor. All these dreams are finally coming true. “You have no idea how happy I am,” he whispers between breaths. “Not as happy as me.” I feel the layers in his chocolately hair, and his lips on mine. “I’ve kissed you before,” I say, and he bursts out laughing. “What?! I think I’d remember that!” he cries. “No, everyone’s lips feel different. And I’ve felt yours before. I’m positive.” “This kiss fogged up your brain. It’s impossible,” he insists. “It may be, but I’m sure.” He laughs even harder, and takes me in his arms. “I finally have you,” he says out loud to himself. “Yeah. You do,” I whisper. I can’t stop smiling. “I’m going to shoot myself if this is a dream,” he mutters. “I’ll drink poison.” He suddenly stops holding me and looks serious. “What about Michael?” I just remember that name. It hasn’t crossed my mind in days. “He doesn’t matter anymore,” I say confidently. “But you’re still dating him, aren’t you?” I laugh. “Not anymore.” He sighs in contentment and I settle back into his arms. “Love is just a constant spiral, you know? But I have a feeling we’re going to be parallel,” he declares, and my kidney bursts in laughter. “That is so insane, it almost makes sense. Since when were you big on geometry?” He chuckles a little, and I rest the top of my head on his jaw. “I love you,” he says. “I love you more,” I argue. “Impossible.”

          “It was a good story. Enjoyable. But I’m not sure how much promise it has,” one student critiques. “It was too predictable. Like every other love story out there. Girl loves boy, boy loves girl, happy ending. It’s been overplayed,” someone else says. “I thought it was sweet. I wish my boyfriend and I were like that. But I agree, it’s unrealistic. Like they’d actually hook up in the end. I think you focused too much on pleasing the reader rather than having an intriguing plot,” a girl confesses. I take back the book and throw it in the trash. “What are you doing Veta?” my friend cries picking up the story out of the garbage can. “This is good! How did you get inspired?” “A couple at the supermarket. They were in complete lust, but yet, neither of them could work up the courage to say hello to the other. But somehow I knew that they were meant to be.” “Did they ever really meet? Or was it all made up?” she asks. “No, the story’s completely fake. I only used the random people at the market as a starting point, and flexed my fiction muscles from there. And it apparently wasn’t that good for everyone else to bash it,” I sigh.  “It was romantic. I liked the way you put yourself in the story in a different way. And it wasn’t supposed to be a best seller. It was a college English assignment, not a book to be published. Anyway, I loved it,” she assures me. “Thanks. But I still wish my dreams of seeing my name in print could have finally come true.”

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