Impossible                                                                                              back

by Erin E.

          The breath of autumn came in strong. It seemed like only yesterday I was watching giddy children giggling as they splashed around in their kiddy pools, when I gazed at the scorching sun that was so bright it gouged into your eyes to look at. It turned slightly colder three weeks into September, and the trees were already changing. I remember watching the teenagers, walking as slowly as they could, trudging into the towering doors of the high school. I remember feeling nostalgic, even teary for a moment, as I reminisced about my past at this very school. A few friends were laughing, and pushing each other playfully as they ignored curious bystanders looking on. But most of all, I remember them. That girl, with sandy blond hair that curled around her biceps like a vine, and her blue eyes timidly peeking out from their cove underneath dark eyelashes and shiny crystals. And him, with light brown hair straight and smothered with hair gel, intense green eyes that were hard only on the surface, and a smile that was cocky yet deeper than all of the other jocks. They fit right into each other, like parallel jigsaw pieces, but they didn’t even notice how well they matched up. The guy was instantly greeted by various shouts, "Hey Jess!" and "See you at practice Jess!" All of a sudden, this girl runs into the wall. It comes out of nowhere, and before you realize what is happening, she is on the ground and holding her eye. She moans with pain, but people don’t even notice. They just step over her limp body. But this boy, he stops. He goes over to her and kneels to look in her eyes. “Are you okay?” he chuckles. She moves her hand and squints to make out his figure. “Yeah.... I’m fine. Thanks” she says, as he lends her his hand to pull her up. “No problem.” There is a beautiful silence between their shy bodies. She smiles, a painful and fearful smile. And he laughs again, reaching out to graze her eye. She winces, and instinctively reaches up to touch it. She bumps into his fingers, and after a few lingering moments, he pulls them away. “Sorry.... you should get that checked out.” She nods and looks at the ground. Suddenly she just leaves. Just bolts through the door and disappears into the swarm of people, and leaves him standing there, lusting after her like in some romance novel. A blind person could see their chemistry. You can feel his longing to touch her face again. You can sense the need to run his fingers through her hair and look deep into her eyes. As I watched them, so different from each other I knew immediately. I knew that no matter what happened, no matter who said otherwise, and no matter what words were spoken, it was them. They would have quite a journey these two. More turbulence and natural highs that are part of the teenage experience than others have had in all of their lifetime. Somehow it would happen, because although this destiny may not have been obvious to the untrained eye, it was clearer than the morning sky to me. There was not a doubt in my mind, not any self-guessing or second thoughts. It was fate. And now...... it was only a matter of when.

                             September 1-18                   April

          It was even more threatening than I thought it would be. Everyone so confident, seeming so secure within their cliques. As if already they had found their destiny for that year, and that the first couple weeks were the ones that determined their future. Too bad I missed it. I will say that I tried to persuade my father into coming earlier, but he said it couldn't be helped. That there was an unexpected mistake at his office, and it'd take a few weeks to fix before we could move. I have to be honest, that the house isn't what I.... expected. I was thinking it'd be something more modern, at least average. But, this? With dying plants on the house’s caved in, cement doorstep, with barely 2 stories (if you count the basement) and a stained door splattered with mud and graffiti. My dad told me not to be difficult, to try my best to think positive, but this was even less than the lowest. I glanced over at him in disbelief, expecting him to say "Just kidding! I got you good didn't I?!" But when there was silence, a desperate whine squeaked from my throat. My dad put his hand on my shoulder apologetically. "I know hon, I know. But it's the best we can do right now. It was the closest to the school, and it fits in our budget. Maybe once my job kicks off, we can get something better.” Once your job kicks off, right Dad. But as much as I didn’t want to face it, I had to accept the fact that I had to get on unpacking what I can for tonight. I had to start school the very next day, but I guess that comes with the territory when your a newbie to a school like mine.

                             September 1-18                   Jess

          It really wasn't a big deal when I had to wake up early in the morning on the first day of school, when I was so used to staying up until sunrise playing video games. Or when I had to spend 35 minutes on my hair because the blow drier had a strong disliking for me and decided to take an early retirement. But I remember walking in to the school, and my whole view of people had changed since last year. I saw a couple of guys from my baseball team sitting on the cement walls guarding the flower bed. And I couldn't admit this to anyone else, but when I saw Olivia I did my best to disappear into thin air. But that girl has greater powers, and she greets me with a loud smack on the cheek. "Hey Jess. I missed you!" she giggled. "Hi Olivia. Did you have a good summer?" I ask dully, shrugging more than my bag off my shoulder. She seems not to notice and tries to whisper seductively like they do in the movies. "It was okay. But not as good without you. I wish you didn't go to Arizona over the summer. I was awfully lonely." “Hey, I got to jet. I have homeroom in a couple minutes, and I have to check to see if my sweatshirt is in the lost-and-found from last year. See you later" I mutter and left her standing there lost and confused.

                   September 30-October 11          April

          All right, so there is this guy. I know what it may seem like, but I am a teenage girl, and who am I to disprove the stereotype that girls are boy-crazy?! He's in my history class, and he’s tall. I don't know his name yet because he sits in the back, so I can’t look onto his binder or a paper to find out, but I think it might be Jess. During roll call, when the teacher said the name, he grunted. But Mr. Duveau doesn't expect us to reply when he says our name, so it could just as well have been an involuntary clearing of the throat. Anyway, other than that, not much news. The house hasn't had a magical makeover overnight (so to speak) and no one has appeared at least a little bit welcoming yet. There was this girl, named Ashley and she asked to borrow my pen the other day. Pathetically, that's the closest I've gotten to friendly contact. I have however developed a passion for art. I was in art class, and the teacher came over, surveyed my structure, and gave a accepting nod. "Good job April. I see promise" he said roughly, and although I wasn't sure if he was talking about the piece or me, I have since been working diligently on drawing and stuff to get even better. People are already prepping for the winter formal, even though it's in December. I probably won't go unless some miracle happens and I become desirable to talk to. It doesn't snow here, and I know I'll miss it when the time comes around. There has never been a Christmas that I can remember that hasn’t been snowy. But you never know right? There is always a chance..... right?

                             September 30-October 11          Jess

          I wish I took a class other than English. An extra math class, home economics, even history, ANYTHING! My English teacher, Mr. Yamine has it out for me, I swear. Already he's given us 2 pop quizzes, and everyone knows English is not my thing. So I got a C- and a D. Big deal! But I guess it is to Mr. Yamine. He's seriously on my back, and is even threatening to go to my baseball coach if my grades don't improve. I tried to speak to the assistant principal, but he said it wasn’t possible to transfer. "Hey Jess. I heard that you're having trouble in English. I could tutor you if you want" Olivia offered, and I had to stifle a laugh. "Olivia, you suck at English too. Don't kid yourself.” "Yeah I guess you’re right, I just wanted to help. You really love it don't you?" she asked, meaning baseball as she watched me study the practice of the freshmen. "Yeah, I think I'd die if I had to give it up. Sports are my life. It's really my only chance of getting a scholarship too, which I need if I’m going to go to college." I get up to head to the changing room. "Call me tonight?!" Olivia pleaded, not asked, but begged. "Sorry, I imagine I'll be getting back late from practice, plus I have tons of homework I need to catch up on. They’re really throwing it at us this year, earlier and heavier than ever. I'll see you tomorrow I guess.” "All right. See you then" she says, and sulks to her car.

                   October 17-24                      April

          The guy's name is Martin by the way. But it doesn't matter anymore. I found out in the locker room that he's going out with some girl named Hayden. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was because of him too by the way, so I've officially moved on. I was casually watching him from over my shoulder, and he was sketching his name into the desk with his pencil. He’s really getting into it to, his eyes drilling in on the letters. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t seem to look away, until some of the first words spoken to me from a peer at school were uttered. "You like him don't you?" asked a tall girl, with a shrunken jacket and an even smaller skirt. "Excuse me?!" I reply stunned, for more than just the fact that someone is talking to me, that someone noticed me. "You heard me. I've been watching you. You've been staring at him for a week now. Are you going to go for it?" she prods, and I raise my eyebrow. "Go for it? Not to be rude or anything, but you want me to tell you the details of my feelings and you haven't even told me your name?" I asked. She just laughed. "Fine, I guess you could have a point. I'm Jesal. Now, answer my question. Are you into him or not?" She seems innocent enough, but it does seem a little peculiar that someone cares about who I like when they don't even know my name. "Sure, okay I like him. So what? He's going out with someone, and I don't even know him" I assured her, fiddling with my pencil. "Hey Martin! Get over here" she suddenly yelled, and he looks up surprised. He looked at me and then back at Jesal, and reluctantly got up from his seat and trudged over. "Jesal! What are you doing?!" I hissed, but she ignored my plea. "Martin, this is.....” "April. My name is April" I squeak, and he shrugs, as if thinking, Why do I care?. "She's new here, right? Well she doesn't know anyone here and I just am introducing her to people. So Martin, April. April, this is my stepbrother Martin" she smirked and I suddenly felt like I am 2 feet tall. "Whatever" he gruffly said, quickly returning to his seat. Jesal smiled sneakily and patted my shoulder. "A word of advice? Don't go for it. Just giving you inside information because I live with him, and he's a moron. Don't waste your time.” I rested my head on my clenched fist, feeling like the stupidest person alive. Note to self; next time you are revealing information you don’t want the whole school to know, find out who the person is you're confessing to.

                             October 17-24            Jess

                   My friend Jack is throwing a Halloween party this weekend. I probably am going to feel pressured to go, and we'll end up talking about last night's basketball game on cable or who the latest guy Ashley Wollar is going with. Usually at the end, at least a dozen people stumble home drunk, and the remaining majority decide to leave early. "Hey Jack, I don't know if I'll be able to make it this weekend. I have homework and stuff, you know how it is and...." I embellish later on in the week, and Jack just gives a hearty laugh. "Ah Jess my man, ditch it! School's for losers anyway. My party is going to be tons better" he assures me slinging his arm around my shoulder. "I really don't think I'll be able to make it man. I'm behind in English, you know that, and I can't risk being kicked off the team just to go to your annual Halloween bash. I'm sorry" I insist, lowering my eyes to pretend that I'm somehow fascinated by the tile of the school floor. Jack sighs, and nods giving a solemn pat on my back. "Okay dude, if you can't break the plans, I understand. But the invite is still open if you change your mind. See you at practice tonight" he grunts, lumbering off to go hit on the closest girl away from him. I shake my head and chuckle secretly, twisting my lock and grabbing my books. I don't think I'm going to change my mind Jack, I think to myself while strolling down the halls. I have a date with the gym, and it's looking pretty appealing now in comparison.

                             October 31-November 5              April

          Halloween was.... eventful to say the least. Socially, things have improved as an understatement. Sharing a kiss with a guy definitely qualifies as social contact..... right? Well, I'll start with the whole night, beginning with my preparation for the legendary Halloween party of Jack McGowen. Jack is a huge sports star, and he's well known for his passionate love of baseball and girls. Every year he throws this huge bash, with kegs waiting obediently even before you enter the door. For weeks after nobody talks about anything but, and from the chatter I heard about it, I already gathered it'd be a lot different from the parties I went to back home. "Hey Dad, there is a Halloween thing tonight at a... friend's" I slowly say, quickly deciding that I hadn't phrased the statement completely honest. My dad looks surprised as he pours his cereal into one of the few bowls we have, but tries to remain open-minded. "That's nice April. Who is this friend?" he asks as casually as he can. I sigh pretending to be irritated, and he gives me an innocent shrug. "His name is Jack, Dad. He hasn't been arrested either....." I sneakily say, biting my lip. ".... That I know of." My dad (as expected) looks at me protectively, and I immediately burst out in laughter. "I'm just kidding. Mind if I use the car?" "Sure. Just be careful. It's a precious truck, and I'd hate to lose it in some accident or something heaven forbid. I was lucky to find it at the dollar store, but I'm glad I chose it over the sunglasses" he jokes, and I smile lovingly. In simpler words, he is saying the car is cheap. I have to agree with him on that though. At least it goes well with the house.

          The drive to Jack's was a long one. He lives at the end of town, and I wasn't sure if the gas tank would stay strong that long. As soon as the house came into view, I surveyed the open spots and was forced to park far from the door. Right away, when I stepped out of the car, I was instantly judged. A couple of girls with punch cups loosely locked in their hands scanned me from my head to my toe, and snickered to each other, sharing a look that was mixed with pity and disgust. Jack was nowhere to be seen when I opened the door, but I assumed he was probably making the rounds. Now let me clarify that I’ve never actually met Jack. But whether you’re a teacher, a student, or the janitor, EVERYBODY knows the jocks. And I wasn’t technically invited to this party either, but it wasn’t invitation or anything. Just kind of whoever wants to, can come.

          I felt the strong need to recognize somebody as I walked through the door. That's easier said than done, especially if nobody fits in that category, unless you count Jesal, who looked comfortable in her position on some guy's lap. Loud music shook the walls, and I peeked into the room where it was coming from. A group of guys were all in costume, laughing to each other about nothing audible. "Hey... you. Come here a second" called the infamous Jack. I shockingly obeyed, still keeping a distance from them. I was partially surprised to discover that I was not invisible, but also shocked that they were still sober enough to make out faces. "Do I know you?" he drunkenly asks, raising his cup in the air as the liquid spills over the edge. "I don't... think... so" I stutter and he gives a deafening laugh. "Oh well, this is my friend. He didn't really want to be here tonight, but he's trying to make his girlfriend jealous. Isn't that right pal?" The stranger opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it quickly and just shakes his head. "Well anyway, it'd be great if you could be of assistance. Could you help us? Pretty please?" One of the guys quickly moves behind me, with a disgusting smirk on his face and clearly impatient, pushes my back. I fall forward, and am only inches away from this strange guy. I can see his green eyes peer through the mask that concealed his whole face. Hardly any skin is shone, just a little on his forehead that ran into his scalp, and a cap is worn over his hair so I can't see anything revealing his identity. Almost before thinking, I push my lips into his, and they taste like peppermint. But instantly, I push my hand on his chest, to make him break away, and he instantly lowers his head, embarrassed. I step back, feeling dirty and nauseous, not believing what just happened. How could I succumb to such slut like behavior? I was no different from all of these other girls here. I was not any better than Jesal, sprawled out on a random guy’s lap. I am daring enough to look up into his eyes again apologetically, but he turns his towering body away, socking Jack in the shoulder. "Hey man, I'm sorry. But I thought you just needed to loosen up. Calm down" but Jack suddenly rushes off in another room, clasping his hand over his mouth. To stay on the bright side of things, at least people are talking to me now.

                             October 31-November 5              Jess

          I ended up deciding to go to Jack's party after all. He was taunting me at baseball practice that night that I was now a geek, and so I just gave in. That night was so.... eventful, but I promised myself I wouldn't repeat that night to anyone after it happened. It was too horrible, and if Olivia finds out, I won't make it to the next morning. Technically we aren't together, because I broke it up before summer started. But this year, she's been tagging behind me like a little puppy, and I know she wants to make up. She hasn't said anything, but I can see it in her eyes. She just doesn't want to hurt her pride or reputation,  but I am not about to make the first move. Olivia is okay I guess, but she's so mean to all the other girls. She considers herself better than anyone at school, and sometimes she gets so annoying I could just strangle her. I haven't talked to Jack since the party, because he's been out with food poisoning. Probably happened on Halloween. After all, the guy was too drunk to remember his own name. English hasn't been getting any better, and now my parents are in it. Mr. Yamine called them last week to "voice his concern" or whatever, and they completely flipped out. My mom started sobbing, gasping that I wasn't going to end up like my brother, who is in jail for grand theft auto.  My dad had a face that looked like it could freeze the equator, and his eyes were being fed wood to build the fire that was growing in them. He didn't say anything at first, just grimaced at me. Finally he spoke, with a slow shaking tone that literally made me shrink. "Be quiet Michelle, take a tissue or something to wipe your eyes. And you...." he began, turning his frightening face towards mine. "You.... you're either going to get your grades up or.... go to military school." My mom instantly stopped sobbing. She turned to look at my dad, almost to check to see if he was actually serious. I felt my heart drop, and now even my own temper was beginning to flare. "No I'm not! You wouldn't dare send me to military school" I taunt him, pushing him to yell more. It worked just like I predicted, and his collarbone tightened. "Don't start with me. And don't you EVER tell me what I will or will not do" his voice began rising little by little, like a tea kettle going off. I gave an insulting smirk. "You know you're only threatening me because I'm all you have. You and your pathetic job working at a laundry mat, only because you sucked and they wouldn't let you play professional. So now you're living your dream through me, because I'm ten times better than you ever were or will be" I hiss, and immediately realize I've jumped too far off the edge. My dad's face loses it's toughness, and his tightened body slumps while still standing. My mom gapes, stunned, and puts her hand on my dad's shoulder to comfort him. But my dad just becomes impassive, his eyes looking opaque. He looks like all the muscles in his body just stopped working. I immediately walk to my room, not even attempting to apologize. I shut the door quietly, grab my lucky baseball and toss it in the air, feeling like I just killed someone. Well I guess I kind of did, but instead I killed their spirit. I guess I might as well have finished the job.

                             November 8-12           April

          Jack was out with food poisoning for a week and a half. I knew he probably wouldn't remember me, but I really wanted to ask him why he had the nerve to make me kiss that stranger. I've only been at this school for a little over 3 months, and I am already involved in an uncomfortable situation. The other day though, I came close to talking to him. I yelled his name while he was up at bat, and he immediately became alert. He twisted his head from the ball and looked in the wrong direction of the caller. All of a sudden, I hear a huge smack and Jack is sprawled on the ground, clutching the right side of his face. My hand flies to my mouth because I know it was my fault, for distracting him from practice, but I know that I can definitely NOT talk to him now. His cheek is already swelling, and his nose is scrunched up and his eyes squinted. "Coach always tells you to wear a helmet, stupid" another player reminds Jack, laughing and swinging the bat over his shoulder.

          I don't know what to do. My English teacher, Mr. Yamine has seemed really distant lately, so yesterday I did the mistake of asking him what was wrong. He hesitated at first to reply, looking as if he shouldn't be telling a student his problem, but caved in. "I have this kid in my class, and I can't seem to get through to him. I've tried threatening him, and offered a tutor, but he just refuses. I know some kids aren't good in certain classes, but I swear this kid is not going to have a future if he doesn't smarten up... no pun intended" and I gave a little awkward chuckle. Suddenly his eyes brighten, and he clasps my shoulder. "I know what I have to do. April, you have to help him. Tutor him" he urges, looking me square in the eye with determined intensity. I open my mouth to reply, but it just forms words silently. "I don't know Mr. Yamine. I would like to help, but like you said, he refused to get help from a tutor" I insist. His eyes downcast, forces a nod. "I understand. You don't have to, but this kid is in trouble.  Think about it, and get back to me by Friday." Well, I've thought about it, and today is Friday. I think I have my answer, and I am about to go announce it to Mr. Yamine. I don't know how his reaction will be, but I know what I have to say. "Yes."

                             November 8-12           Jess

          First things first, I have a tutor. I kept telling Mr. Yamine no, but finally I gave in. After seeing my dad lifeless for 3 days straight, I decided that I have to get help. It may not be fun, but I refuse to give up baseball, so I know that I have to do whatever it takes to keep my grades up. My first session is tomorrow, and I have to come straight home from school. I've planned our dates accordingly to my baseball schedule, so hopefully Coach won't spring any unexpected games or practices on us. I haven't told anyone yet, but I hope my parents will be happy. I told the tutor to come over to my place, and I decided to introduce them then. I know I can't tell Jack because he'll tease me again, and I can't tell Ivy because she'll be offended that I didn't pick her to help me. It wasn't anything personal (okay, maybe it was) but like I said, Ivy isn't any better in English than I am.

          Coach has been saying that I have been getting worse, that I seem to be more distracted and have lost passion for the game. I know he's right, but I refuse to admit it out loud.  It's just because of everything at school, and with my friends, it's all so time consuming. I have been able to talk him out of him benching me, but he tells me that I have to become more involved. Jack has noticed it to, giving halfhearted shouts of concern like "Hey dumb ass, pay attention!" or "Stop dreaming, and catch that ball. Only one more out Jess, can you feel it?!" I didn't expect him to keel over with perception, but still, I consider him my friend. Other than the occasional call of asking for homework, or the light topics at lunch, we haven't really talked since last year. He has always been jealous of me and Ivy, (if you can put us in that type of grouping) but I know he would never go behind my back and do something that would upset me. Maybe he'll meet a new girl, someone fresh to distract him from reeking destruction on an already impaired one. Anyway, I have to get my books ready for tomorrow and prepare how I can for my lesson. I don't know how it will go, but Mr. Yamine said she gets straight A's in school. I had to go tell my parents to go set an extra seat at the table for dinner too. "Who's coming over? Jack?" my mother asks, as she's dialing a number on the phone. I shake my head, restraining myself from laughing at the comparison and finally reply. "No mom, it's not Jack or any guys from the team. It's a girl actually" I answer vaguely, and my mom hangs up the phone. "Hmm.... a girl, really? What's her name?" I shrug to continue the suspense while turning my back from her, and take a breath hoping she'll end the questions there. "Veta."

                             November 8-12           April

                   I feel horrible. I can't believe I chickened out. So, I walk into Mr. Yamine's room all prepared to give him my answer. He looks up from a test he's grading, and gives me a nervous smile. "Hey April, thanks for getting back to me. So.... to get to the point, do you have a reply?" I nod, avoiding his impatient eyes. "Before you answer, look at this schedule I planned out. Does it look okay?" he asks, shoving the paper under my hand. I glance at it quickly, and immediately feel my heart drop. There is a session 4 days a week, including Sunday! I close my eyes, and inhale. "Mr. Yamine, I can assure you I was going to say yes before I came in here. But after looking at this schedule, my mind has changed. It's really demanding, and I'm not sure if I can tutor this guy and still keep up my own grades!" I confess, sliding him back the paper. "I'm sorry that I let you down. But I hope you can find some way to help him" I say, finally looking at his face. His eyes are dreary, and his cheeks are pulled down by disappointment. But nevertheless, he nods and gives me a pat on the shoulder. "It's okay April. I agree that this is pretty time consuming, and I understand that you can't do it. I appreciate you considering it though" he replies, immediately going back to grading the test. I run my hand down my ponytail awkwardly, and nod even though he doesn't notice. I am not sure if I should stay or go, so I linger, glancing around the room for the hundredth time. "Are you going to be able to find someone else?" I ask, still feeling extremely guilty and irresponsible. He shrugs, not looking up. "I don't know. I surely hope so, but to be honest, your one of the few chances I had. Your one of my smartest students, and my other privileged kids have extra curriculars that take up most, if not all, their time. I guess if I can't find anyone else, I'll either have to keep offering myself to do it, even though I know he'll refuse, or give up on him" he explains. "But I guess you'd better go. I don't want to keep you" he adds, still not looking up. I hang my head, and click my tongue, taking a large breath. Reaching for the doorknob, I look back at Mr. Yamine's lifeless face. "Hey, what was the guy's name? That I was supposed to tutor?" I ask, letting my hand fall limp on the silver curve. He gives a little helpless chuckle, and shrugs. "I guess it doesn't matter now does it?" he asks. I also chuckle, feeling for something to say. "No, I guess not."

                             November 14-19                  Jess

          Well I got my wish. Or... two of them actually. I said before that I had my first time meeting the tutor a couple of days ago. I let my parents meet her also, entering the kitchen with Veta totally vulnerable and nervous. My dad, being a solemn fellow, remained pretty even-faced. He did seem happier though that I was doing something about my grades. My mom being the exact opposite of my dad, began swooning immediately. "Oh, I am just SO happy! We had quite a job of talking Jess into even considering a tutor you know!" she exclaims to Veta, handing her a glass to put on the table. Veta just smiled, following instructions obediently. That was when I cut them off from each other, fitting in a few minutes of studying before dinner. "I'm sorry about my parents. They can be a little..... overwhelming at times" I laugh, handing her the text book. Veta smiles widely, and nods. "It's fine. I just hope you know how lucky you are to have parents that care so much about you" she replies. Surprisingly, I soon discover she is patient even with me as her student, and she makes sure I understand the steps she is taking. Overall, it's still a drag to have to take classes, but it's better than I thought it would be.  "Listen, I really want you to know how grateful I am for you helping me. I know you're doing this with pay, but also out of kindness, so I just want to say thank you" I insist before she even walks in the door. She looks startled, almost expecting me to be obstinate and carefree. "Oh, well you're most certainly welcome. Mr. Yamine was a favorite teacher of mine, and I'd do anything to help him... and students he cares about." It was then that it was my time to be startled. "Correct me if I'm wrong Veta, but did you say was?" I ask, utterly confused. She wrinkles her forehead, and takes a few seconds before opening her mouth in realization. "Mr. Yamine didn't tell you? I'm not in high school anymore. I just graduated."

          Now on to my second wish that came true. Last entry I said that I wished Jack would find a new girl to obsess over and leave my old flings alone. Well, I guess I was in luck. Coach felt the need to tell everyone on the team why I might be missing some practices while I was in the changing room, and right when I was pulling up my socks, Jack bursts through the door. His face is red from running, and when he enters he lets out a huge breath. "I'm almost ready" I say, tying a shoelace. He takes a gulp and gasps "Dude! Why didn't you tell me you had a tutor! It's embarrassing when I have to find out from the coach!" I just sigh, disappointed. "I'm sorry man. I just didn't know how you'd react. But I've only had one session with her." Jack immediately smiles boyishly, and says in a low tone "Is she hot?" I laugh, expecting such a thing from him. "She's my tutor dude! What do you want me to say!?" I exclaim standing up and grabbing my glove. Jack punches me in the arm. "Come on! At least tell me what she looks like!" I sigh, and repeatedly throw my fist into my glove, stretching it out and preparing it for play. "She has straight black hair, kind of light skin..... blue eyes, okay? Satisfied? Oh, and she's 19" I reply annoyed. Jack's smile grows even wider and determination mounts in his face. "Don't get any ideas man. She's 2 years older than you, plus she's my tutor" I say, not letting him butt in. He throws up his hands in innocence. "Me? Why would you suspect me of such a thing?! I would never hit on a friend's tutor!" he insists, throwing his arm around me and walking me out to the field. I snort, throw in an eye roll, and laugh. "Sure Jack. Do you not remember my fitness trainer last summer?"

                             November 14-19                  April

          I finally told my dad about my break away from volunteer work. He unfortunately acted the way I had expected him to; disappointed. "April, I know how hard it must be to make new friends at a completely fresh environment. But this could have been a fabulous chance for you to be to meet someone! Don't you agree?!" he asks, giving my hand a fatherly pat. I just shrug, shrinking lower and lower into the floor. "I didn't know what to do. I was going to say yes, but the schedule even incorporated the weekends! I just..... backed out. Took the safe route. I'm sorry" "It doesn't really matter to me in the long run honey. Just trying to help my daughter make the best decisions. Don't you think you should be apologizing to someone else?" he replies, in the parental tone of saying you're going to, and not that you should.

          So the next morning, I go back to Mr. Yamine's room. I give a light knock, and peek in. "Hey Mr. Yamine. I was just wondering if you had a second?" I ask, opening the door more as I spoke. He shrugs, and gestures toward the top of a front row desk. "Thanks. I just wanted to apologize again for bailing out on you" I begin, bowing my head. "Really April, it's okay. I understand that the schedule was too much for you" he assures me, tipping his coffee cup into his mouth. "No it's not. And I hope it's not too late to change my mind. I would be honored to tutor that guy." Mr. Yamine's hand freezes, and he sets down the cup, it settling comfortably into the oak table. "Wow April, I wasn't expecting this.... I uh, it's a little awkward to tell you this but ahem, I found someone else for him." My mouth forms an o and I feel the strong wall protecting my dam break. I wasn't expecting to get a refusal. I was preparing myself for bursts of joy and appreciation. But his face lights up and his hand flees to the back of his head. "I have an idea April. I know that I've already found a tutor, but she's in her first year of college, so I really don't think she'd mind at all if you joined them. Only if you wish of course, but Veta is a really nice girl. One of my best students I'd say throughout my teaching experience. Always very alert, prepared, strong. I kind of miss her to tell you the truth. So how about it hmm? I'll call up Veta right now to discuss it" he insists, reaching for the anxious phone, the cord strangling itself in anticipation. My shoulders slump, because it's not at all what I wanted. I know it would appear inconsiderate to back out when Mr. Yamine is offering to go to all this trouble, but I know how these situations work. I'd end up doing nothing, and just watching like a little kid nobody wanted around. Perfect Veta would continue on so poised and intelligent, and the guy would stare at her dreamily, and I would sit in a corner playing with my thumbs. No matter what my dad would say, I knew that I had to say no. But before I get a chance, Mr. Yamine had already dialed the number. "Yes hello Veta? This is Mr. Yamine. How's it been going so far? Really? Good good, glad to hear it. Well the reason I'm calling is that the girl who was originally going to tutor changed her mind. Yeah I know, yeah (laughing). Well I was wondering if I could ask you another favor? To maybe let her join in, offer up some knowledge now and then, heck maybe even learn something herself (laughing.) Oh okay. No it's not absolutely necessary, but I think she'd definitely like to do it. All right then I'll tell her. Thanks Veta. Bye-bye" he finally finishes, resting the phone back on the hook. I open my mouth to say something before he does, but Mr. Yamine being a quick fellow beats me to the punch. "Good news April. She'd love to have you. Here's the information" he smiles widely, jotting it down on a napkin. "Gee thanks Mr. Yamine. I really appreciate it" I reply forcing myself to the maximum to appear happy. He nods, falling for it, and jumps up to open the door. Spreading out my hand to cover my face, I say quietly to myself  "What am I going to do? I don't even know where this guy, Jess's place is."

                             November 19-22                  Jess

          Life is a disaster. I cannot believe I ever let myself get sucked into this academic world. Tutoring sessions with Veta were going fine, until everyone found out about it. People are treating me all differently now, like I'm becoming some mathlete or something. In our lunch line, the jocks always get to the front of the line, no matter who is there. Well today when I went up to the front with Jack like I always do, I almost got booted down. "Excuse me sir, there's no cutting" the lunch lady says nicely enough, but gives Jack a loving smile. "Martha.... are you serious? It's me Jess. I always cut" I say confused. "Of course Jess. I was just kidding with you. Go ahead" and pushes me along. If that wasn't enough, Olivia has made her mark. I guess she heard about it from a guy on the team who told his girlfriend who told her. Well secret's out now, and she could not have acted any worse. I was walking home from school, and she pulls up to the sidewalk, idling the car as I took my steps over the cracks. "I cannot believe you didn't tell me Jess. I am so hurt" she cries dramatically, pounding her first on the steering wheel. Knowing immediately what she is talking about, I just increase my speed. "I didn't have to tell you Olivia. I didn't want to tell anyone, but it got out anyway. It's not that big of a deal" I reply flatly. Her eyes just become bigger and angrier, and she slams her foot on the break for attention. "Yes it is Jess! You are "studying" with another girl for most of the week, and for many weeks. I know what goes on when they say it's studying, so don't think you can fool me. Is this Veta pretty?!" she asks through clenched teeth. "Yeah Olivia she is. She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She's in college too, and really smart." Not surprisingly, it works to set her off. "Jess!! I wanted you to lie to me! You are not supposed to tell me the truth, you're supposed to say I was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen! You don't tell your girlfriend......" and then she pauses awkwardly, turning her head to the other side. "Olivia, I'm sorry. But you know you are not my girlfriend. We are not together! Please get over it and move on. I know I have" I beg, and step farther away from her car. I can see her eyes spark with tears, and she looks as if she's going to slap me. But she doesn't, and simply guns her car forward and sniffles.

          The tutoring sessions are just getting worse. Some new girl I guess is joining us tomorrow and for the rest of the classes. I guess she was supposed to be the one who was going to tutor me in the first place, but changed her mind or whatever. I don't really know how to react, but I know it's just going to make it worse. She's either going to be too bored to do anything, or she's going to be interrupting Veta every 5 seconds to make a point and turn out to be one of the know-it-all types. Mr. Yamine didn't even bother to tell me that she was coming, Veta had to call me yesterday. Talk about short notice. I picked up the phone, and at first I didn't recognize her because she sounds very different over the phone. "Hello Jess? This is Veta. You do remember me don't you?" she nervously asks. I just laugh. Our conversation seems to just continue on casually until she gets to the point. "All right Jess, let me tell you the real reason I called. The original girl that was going to tutor you changed her mind and wanted back in. I felt wrong saying no to her, so I hope it's all right if she joins us. Her name is April." After that she just makes light conversation, and we both awkwardly hang up. All I know about this April is that she is new to our school, and she isn't in any of my classes. My mother always says that life is what you make of it, but I don't know how that works here when I don't know what to make of it.

                             November 19-23                  April

          I feel so stupid. I don't know why I even listened to my dad in the first place, I KNEW I shouldn't have gone back to Mr. Yamine's class to ask for a second chance. It made me look desperate and childish, and I should have just butted in rudely when he was on the phone. I should have just told him then and there that I just DIDN'T want to do it. Now I have this obligation to go to Jess's house and sit there, and I know he'll think I'm some type of moron. Veta will probably be really gorgeous and smart, and I'll come across as some needy 5 year old. But my first session is tomorrow, and I am dreading it as much as you can. I dare not tell my dad what happened, because he'll just encourage me to keep with it, and not be a quitter. Really, he doesn't seem to understand what teenage life is like now a days. I love him but sometimes he can just be so oblivious I swear!

          All I can say, is that one class is over. It didn't happen quite like I planned though. I got there, and Jess's mom opened the door. "Oh hello. May I help you?" she asks in a purely nice manor, and I just smile. "Hi, I uh..... I am helping out Jess, I'm his tutor" I oddly laugh, and immediately regret it once it comes out of my mouth. I am not even in the door yet and I am already making a fool out of myself. His mother smiles sweetly, and waves me in. "Very nice to meet you. Come on in. Jess is in his room playing video games. Veta doesn't usually get here for another half an hour, but I'm sure you can fit right in here" she warmly comments, pointing out his room down the hall. I nod gratefully, and take the slowest steps possible, hoping to make 30 minutes pass in 30 seconds. I give a light knock, and I can hear surprise in his voice. "Just a minute mom. I'm getting to the next level" and I peek in the door. "Hi Jess. We haven't met before, but I'm April. Your.... second tutor" I squeak, and his head does a full 360. "Oh uh... hi. I wasn't expecting you this early" and he jumps up to grab clothes strewn over chairs to stuff under his mattress. "I'm sorry. I wasn't clear on what time I should come" I mutter, glancing around his room. "What are you playing?" "Oh uh... nothing special really" he offers, handing me a controller. I hesitate. "I'm not sure. I've never played this game before. How about we make a deal? I'll teach you English and you teach me the art of video games" I reply, and he chuckles lightly. "Sure okay. First, you have to try and shoot all these people" he says, leaning in and pointing at the screen. "But why? They look harmless enough" I ask, and he laughs again. "You just have to. If you don't, they'll steal your money and it'll set you back a day. You don't want to lose any time" he explains. "This is confusing. I feel like such an amateur" I whine. Jess shakes his head and smiles. "Don't worry. That's how everyone starts out. You'll get the hang of it in no time. Just follow what I say and you'll be fine.” "Yoo-hoo!" rings a high-pitch voice, followed by a heavy knock. Jess quickly turns off the TV and opens the door. "Hi again Jess. Oh, and this must be April. Mr. Yamine spoke very highly of you. I'm Veta" she smiles, but something doesn't feel quite right. She runs her long fingers through her black hair. Her eyes look challengingly at me, and her smile seems crookedly off. "Yeah, I'm April. Should we get started?" I ask, feeling intimidated by her confidence. Jess nods, and goes to his backpack to get his books. "Well April. This should be fun shouldn't it?" she whispers in an exaggerated high pitched squeal. It was obvious she was completely faking. I mean, a blind person could see how heavy a show she was putting on. The only thing heavier was her mascara.

                             November 23-25                  Jess

          April is pretty cool. When I first met her, I thought she was a little strange. She came 30 minutes early, so I had a feeling that she would be a perfectionist type of person, but she seems really nice. We played video games while we waited for Veta, and it's a little funny to watch her because she is just a beginner. But it's fun to teach someone my ways and watch them get better. She has blond hair about elbow length, and it curls at the ends. Her eyes are a pale blue, and she has little freckles across her nose. The lesson itself was not as hopeful. Veta seemed oddly uptight, and when I asked her what was wrong she just snapped. She rambled in a tone that sounded as if she had inhaled helium, and her eyes kept darting around the room. "Nothing Jess. Does something seem like it's wrong? I don't think so, nothing is wrong. Let's... let's just concentrate on your work okay?!" I wanted to ask for a second opinion, so afterward when Veta had left, I held April back. "Um, can I talk to you for a second? I'm a little worried about Veta. Does she seem at all off to you?" I ask. April shrugs, and grabs her coat. "I don't really know her too well Jess, so I wouldn't be the best person to ask. She did seem a little quirky. Maybe spastic. But that could just be her personality. Too tight jeans, 3 pink eye shadows on at once, psycho killer smile. Seems nice though." I am surprised at April's sudden change of heart, and find myself confused. "Did she say something to you? Our first session was fine, but since....." "April don't take that wrong. I'm sorry..... I know that sounded rude but I didn't mean......" I start but her hand flies up. "You know what Jess? Maybe this was a mistake. I changed my mind out of the goodness of my heart, to help out a kid who was having trouble in class. But I guess I was wrong. You seemed nice too, genuinely kind and wanting help. But once again, I made an error of judgment. Sorry for wasting your time" she says coldly, striding out and pushing past my desperate hand. I can be such an idiot sometimes, mixing up words to make them sound wrong. Truly it wasn't what I meant. I really liked April. I thought we could even be friends, because she seemed like the type of girl who was laid-back and could be fun to hang out with. Guess that won't be happening now. But aside from that issue, I know what I have to do. Something is wrong with Veta, and I have an obligation to go to Mr. Yamine first thing tomorrow morning to find out what.

                             November 26-29                  April

          I know something is suspicious about that Veta. She is almost too perfect, too materialistic to be human. Her smile could be plastered on, and her great bone structure could very possibly be the result of plastic surgery. I don't know why I feel so jealous by her beauty and intelligence, but I do. I didn't know someone could be absolutely perfect, without flaw or mistakes. It just puzzles me, and it's slowly eating me away. So I made a decision the night I got home from the first lesson that I would go to Mr. Yamine that very next morning.

                   As I walked to the classroom my hands were sweaty. I knew how I would appear; suspicious, shallow and jealous. But I couldn't resist the temptation to accuse, to discover the secret of the perfect girl. So I went into that class without hesitation, faking confidence all the way. But I would only have been more surprised if I saw Veta herself in that class next to Mr. Yamine. "April?! What are you doing here? I thought that you didn’t care about Veta" Jess astonishingly questions. I scoff and do my best to appear hurt. "I thought you didn't care about me" I reply wittingly, knowing in the back of my mind I would have to reward myself later for coming up with that one. Jess slumps and rolls his eyes. "You know that's not true. I don't know you at all, but I don't have any reason not to at least have a level of concern the equivalent to a set of strangers... which I guess is kind of what we are" he says, his voice softening. Mr. Yamine remains silent 'till this moment, but quickly intervenes. " Jess came in here to ask me about Veta. He says that something seems a little off about her, and he is quite worried. I would be terribly embarrassed if I revealed this and you in no way had any purpose including Veta in your reason for coming here" he announces. I shake my head and give a shy smile. "I don't know Veta well, but from what I saw last night at Jess's house she seemed disturbed. Something was definitely odd about her unusual tone and upbeat appearance, and she is the very reason why I am here. I am just surprised to see Jess here at the same time for the same reason" I explain, slowly lowering myself to a chair. "Jess hadn't been here very long when you came in April, but before we were discussing the possibility of calling Veta. Would that seem at all..... wrong to you?" Mr. Yamine asks, with a very formal tone, almost assuming the position of a guidance counselor. I shrug and honestly reply "I don't really know what to do Mr. Yamine. I am just curious about what is bothering her." He nods and grabs the phone, immediately punching in the keys with a light delicate rhythm. I look at Jess as I hear the ring, and he looks back giving me a half smile. "Veta? Hi this is Mr. Yamine. Yeah, it's good to hear from you. I want to thank you for helping me out in this... situation. The reason I am calling is that April and Jess are worried. Last night they said that you seemed distant and a little odd, and well we're all concerned for your well-being Veta...." Mr. Yamine pauses waiting for an answer. He looks startled by the response, and I can faintly hear cries on the other end. "Oh my, I am so sorry.... I had no idea. When is the funeral? Wow, I am so sorry Veta. I realize what a hard time you're going through, but I really don't think you're fit to tutor Jess in your condition. I really hope I'm not upsetting you any more, but I don't want you to feel an obligation to continue with these classes considering your recent tragedy. Thank you so much for the time you have put forward so far, and please, give my best wishes to your mother. Thank you Veta. Goodbye." There is an awkward silence in the room for several seconds, until Mr. Yamine took a large breath and slowly said "Veta's brother just died. The poor boy was only 22. I actually had him as a student way back, wonderful child, very gifted just like his sister. The police stated the cause of death was a suicide, and the funeral is tomorrow. It only happened last night, and I guess she found out a few seconds after your class." I started feeling horrible for all the hostile thoughts I had for Veta, but suddenly my heart changed. "Mr. Yamine... did you say that she found out AFTER our session?" Mr. Yamine tilted his head and nodded. "Well then that doesn't add up. Veta was acting strange before she discovered that her brother died, so how does that make sense? Something must have been wrong before the accident" I declared, rising to my feet. Jess immediately comes to my side and agrees. "She's right Mr. Yamine. But will Veta be teaching me anymore?" he asks. Mr. Yamine solemnly shakes his head. "I'm afraid not. I didn't feel cold enough to make her continue. So I guess now it's just you April." I gulp, as a huge pair of weights drops to my shoulders. I feel the cowardliness creeping out again, but I push it down. Instead of backing out again, I reply with an insincere chirp. "So... when is our next class Jess?"

                             November 26-29                  Jess

          I feel so sorry for Veta. I had no idea that her brother died, and I can't imagine my mother telling me such a thing. I only see mine on holidays and occasionally throughout the year, but I love him and I'd be devastated if such a horrible thing happened. So now, it's just me and April. I talked to her a little bit, and I think that now we are on at least speaking terms. We had a class today, only our second one, and I am almost envious of how smart April is.

          I was playing video games again when she came this time. Same one, expertly planned out because I knew she wasn't going to mistakenly come "early" again. It would be too suspicious, and I made it so that when she walked in, maybe I could talk her into continuing her path of improving her skill. It went well last time, and I hoped that maybe this could smooth things over before our class. "Hey. Want to play? Same game. We could take off from last time" I offer casually, throwing her a controller. "Whatever Jess. It'll be in no time at all that I'm kicking your butt" she assures me, pursing her lips. "Whoa. Put on too much attitude this morning?" I ask, surprised at her newly overpowering confidence. She just sighs and plops to the floor. "So, same level and everything? Don't try to pull a fast one on me or something, making it harder without me knowing" she warns. I give an insecure laugh, and we play for a few minutes in silence. "Listen April..... I'm sorry about last time" I say, forgetting if I've apologized before. She rolls her eyes and keeps her attention on the screen. "Whatever Jess. I'm over it. I really thought you seemed like a relaxed guy, maybe someone fun that I could hang out with. I don't have any friends here, and I was really hoping that you could be my first, to tell you the truth. But I guess you're just like all the other boys here; cocky and disrespectful" she hisses, but I can feel that it's only halfheartedly. And nevertheless, I play into it, knowing that if I caught her on her act of exaggerating, she'd just act like she was insulted that I would assume such things and it'd only make matters worse. Years of dealing with Olivia has taught me such ways. "No seriously April, I'm sorry. I really wish you'd give me a second chance, an opportunity for me to show you that I am truly a nice guy..... most of the time" I joke, and she gives a smile she's fighting off. "How about it? We could even meet up outside my room of the weekly video game fix. How about the arcade? Or for pizza?" Her eyes glance at mine, and quickly dart away apprehensively. "I don't know Jess. But I guess it'd only be fair if I gave you another chance. Don't mess it up this time though" she adds, laughing a little when I point out that she's killed one of her own men. "Jess..... do you have a....." she pauses for a second, hesitating. I don't think anything of it, and keep my eyes glued to the game. "A... g... g-gla-glass of water?" she stutters. "Sure. I'll be right back. Bottled or tap?" I ask. "Either is fine" she replies, pausing the game. I quickly jog to the kitchen, and return with the bottle. "Thanks Jess" she quickly mutters, the mood turning in the air. "Something wrong?" I ask, unconsciously resting my hand on my lap. I notice out of the corner of my eye that she quickly glances at it, but shakes her head and ignores me for the rest of the time.

          Later that night, as I'm holding open the door for her to leave, she hesitates. "What time should we meet for your take two?" she asks. I just shrug. "I don't know. How's tomorrow night, 6:00-ish? We can go have pizza and maybe hit up the latest horror flick or something. Are you into horror movies April?" I ask, a harmless question but a step towards discovering her true colors. "Yeah. I love 'em. So see you tomorrow I guess" she says gauchely. I nod, and quickly close the door after her, rubbing my arm as the cold November air pricks my skin. The night sky is darkening by the word, and the stars are beginning to shy away from their daytime hideouts. It is only then, when I'm staring at the sky and feeling the tightening grip of the wind against my bare legs, that I realize she never really wanted water at all.

                                      December 1-3             April

          So yesterday, I had my first time out with Jess. I wouldn't call it a date, because everyone would get the wrong idea. It was just a friendly, hanging out sort of occasion. We ended up going for a pizza and a movie afterwards. It was sort of freaky to tell you the truth, but I didn't do anything ditzy like accidentally rest my hand on his, or hit him in the mouth when I was trying to gasp, like everybody always does in the movies. I just kind of sat there and squirmed when somebody's blood was displayed on the walls, and shied my eyes away from the gruesome scene. I tried not to let Jess see, because I was afraid that he would think I was a wimp, so when I wanted to turn away I just pretended to be interested with the people behind us. I got the impression that they were getting mad at me for turning around in their faces so much, so it was a lose-lose situation. I think that I still ended up looking like an idiot to both Jess and the complete strangers. But other than that, the night was pretty nice. The pizza was good, not all burnt on the bottom like they have done in the past out here, and the moon was really beautiful. On the way home, I was really nervous when it'd come to our goodbye. It always looks so awkward when other people do it, when they aren't really friends by textbook terms (at least), which is our situation. Jess walked me to the door, and he even looked uncomfortable. I could immediately tell it wasn't his normal routine with girls, and although it made me feel awkward, it kind of made me feel special at the same time. When I stepped up the stairs, he hung back a little, staying on the grass. I loitered for a second aimlessly, fidgeting with my keys, and Jess gave a shy smile. "Uh..... Bye April. I'll see you later" he mutters, hesitating a second as if questioning what he should do. He ended up just giving me a grin and walking back to his car. I hope Jack or other people don't find out about us..... not that there is anything to find out.

          Besides Jess, I have more news... less fortunate news. My grades have been slipping in German and math. I really hope they don't get so bad that the school calls my dad, but they have went from a low A or a high B, to a low B. It still passes technically, but not on my dad's scale. He always tells me that it doesn't matter what makes the grade, it's what makes our satisfaction. And his satisfaction, is at least a B+ in all subjects, even my advanced classes. He did seem pretty happy when I told him about Jess, but all that will probably fade away now. If only I known this BEFORE I told him, and then I could have conveniently timed it so that I would have told him the bad news first, and then surprise him with the good news and an excuse all in one. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to find some way to deal with him, with Jess, with other people, with time, and with my grades. Whoever says that High School were some of the happiest years of their life was clearly wrong.... or just not chemically balanced.

                             December 1-4             Jess

          April and I had fun yesterday. We went to the movies and for pizza, and then I took her home. She was very laid back and relaxed, and luckily we didn't run into anyone I knew. I am not saying I'm ashamed of her, because after reading that last sentence over, I realized how rude it sounded. She is a very nice girl, and I feel sorry for her that she hasn't been able to make any friends yet. I hope this new month proves to be better for her than the last three.

          I had a lesson with April today. Instead of staying inside like we always do, we decided to go outside and sit on a blanket to study. But then I got cold, and the papers kept flying away, so we went back inside. I really do feel like I'm improving, and Mr. Yamine has seemed to notice. Instead of my normal D and occasional C, I got a B on our last quiz. I was anxious for my grade like I have never been before. I never cared too much about what letter appeared back, but this time I felt a gnawing nervousness. When Mr. Yamine drifted to my seat, he hesitated a moment rifling through the others until he found mine. He looked at it again, smiled and laid it down on my desk. "Good job Jess. I guess April really was your magical fix" and I immediately flipped it over. When I saw that grade in a fearless red marker glaring back at me, I felt a pride I had never felt before. Sure I had my glowing moments when I caught the winning catch at a baseball tournament, or beat the highest level on a video game, but this was entirely different. I felt as if my whole face was lit up, and I guess it probably was. Jack leaned over from his seat to sneak a peek at my test. "Whoa dude, a B? I'm oddly jealous. Who is this girl who's tutoring you? I have to meet her. Maybe she can turn my F into an A+ or something, you know, work her powers." I just smiled, feeling a happy satisfaction with my improvement and working help of April.

          It's so cold now. December didn't wait to be bold, and the air has been nipping at everybody's faces. I couldn't imagine living in a place like Alaska all year long, where their summer is like our coldest winter. Even though I like walking on the hardening ground and looking at the new chilling scenery, I think I dislike Winter the most out of all the seasons. Just one year, I wish we could somehow magically get snow. I think it would be heaven if just one day, I could wake up, look out my window, and discover massive amounts of the white powder clinging to the trees and forming a new ground. I have always dreamed in my mind's eye that I would bust out the door as soon as I wake up in my pajamas, and collapse in the angel banks. I would be so happy I wouldn't even notice how cold I was, I would just be screaming with excitement. But almost too fast, I realize how impossible it is. Some parts of the world get snow, and others don't. It's just a fact of life, but I still wish that somehow, someway, nature could defy the odds for just a day.

                             December 4-7             April

          The winter formal is coming up in a few weeks. I don't even know if I'm going to go yet. At my old school they never had dances, so honestly I am a little excited for first time purposes only of course. I haven't told my dad yet, because he's probably going to give me some lecture on how it is important to get in social outings, but academics always come first. I think it'd be nice to wear a fancy dress and heels, and put my hair up all formally for just a night. But the only thing that could make me go without a hesitation would be if there would somehow be snow on that night. I know I've mentioned it before, and I know that it's practically impossible, but I already miss it and it's only early December. I don't know what I'm going to do. I still have a lot of time to think about it I guess, so I'll try not to get all stressed out right now.

          I had a class with Jess today, and it was actually our 5th one. I've been counting for unknown purposes except for keeping up to date. It was fine, nothing special really. We played our traditional video game, and then studied for a couple hours.  I can really sense that he's getting better, and I honestly have to take a little credit at least. I know that in the end it's all about how much he participates, and that he wouldn't really learn anything if he didn't want, but if I wasn't to supply him with my teachings he wouldn't be learning all this anyway. I just read that over and realized how self-absorbed it sounded, and I would be so ashamed if I said that aloud and someone actually heard it... especially Jess himself. It would break his spirits, and probably prevent him from learning any more. I don't know what I would call him now like in a formal way. I know it's stupid to think of things like that and worry about what connection we have, but I'm not sure if we're friends... or I'm just his tutor. I mean I like Jess a lot, he's really nice and funny. But in my mind I'm still the new kid that nobody knows, and if he was to mention me to his popular friends, they would just laugh at us, Jess for thinking they'd care about me, and at me for just being.... me. But that's saying he'd even think about talking about me to anyone, if I was important enough to incorporate into the conversation. I really don't know why I am stressing so much about this, but Jess is different. He's not like any other guy I've ever known, not saying that I've known many. I've only had 2 other serious boyfriends, one who dumped me, and the other one who moved away. But Jess is a really good guy, and I really hope we can be friends.... if we're not already.

                             December 5-8- Jess

          The winter formal is coming up. I am not sure if I'm going to even go, because I know Olivia is just going to ask me and I don't want to have to tell her no. The simple solution would be to accept, but I just... I don't want things to go like they did last year. We were constantly fighting all year long, and no one could count all the times we broke up. I'm afraid if I agree to a simple, harmless date with her, she'll take it way out of context. By the next day everyone will think that we're together, because she'll find some way to spread the word around to the whole school. So I guess there are 4 possibilities. 1) I could not go at all. Possibly the easiest of them all. 2) I could invite someone else. Possibly the hardest of them all. I would have to work up the courage to ask someone, and even if I did that, I would have to fight off the scowl of Olivia all night, and I don't even know who I could invite anyway. 3) I could go alone. Possibly the worst of all the options. Everyone would think I couldn't get a date, and I would probably just sit at a table the whole night with a cup of punch as my companion. 4) I could go with Olivia. Almost equally as horrible as number 3, so I suppose the only options are number 1 and 2. I guess this is kind of a stupid way to think about it, but process of elimination has always helped me make my harder decisions. So I could not go at all, or go with someone other than Olivia.

          Now, by looking at my yearbook, I can narrow down the choices of who to bring (if I would be going.) I could bring Ava, a cheerleader who has had a crush on me for ages. I've never really talked to her, but she seems really desperate so she'd probably jump at the chance. Another choice is Lacie, a girl in my art class. She's really outgoing and likes to talk.... A LOT. Maybe I'll scratch her out on second thought. Hmm.... possibly Hayden who just got here this year from Australia. She's super pretty and all the guy's fall at her accent. But she always turns down offers to go out on dates, so she'd probably say no on the spot if I asked her. I don't know. I guess I'll think about it later.

          I showed my parents my B yesterday, and my mom practically fainted with joy. She squealed and squeezed me to death, and ripped it from my hands. "Oh honey! I am so so proud of you! This is going straight up on the refrigerator" she cried, marveling it as she carried it to the fridge. My dad was less expressive, but I could see it in his eyes. His wrinkled and tired skin crackled a small smile, and his eyes beamed with pride. "This is good Jess. I am very satisfied" was all he said. I even called my brother in jail to tell him the good news. It was the first time I had heard from him since my birthday in July. "Hey Christian. How are you?" I ask as soon as I hear his raspy voice speak. There is a second of shock almost, disbelief. "Jess? Is that you?!" he cries. "Yeah man. It's me. How are you doing over there?" He just sighs and I can almost see him shaking his head through the phone. "Not great. But what can you expect? It's jail right? I'll be out of here soon enough" he chuckles, and I laugh at his unchanging optimism. "Christian, the reason I'm calling you is.... I got my first B since middle school a few days ago. I was completely failing English and this girl named April offered to be my tutor. Since then I....." I trail off hoping he understands my happiness. "Oh god. That's wonderful Jess, really. I need to meet this girl if she could change my brother to smart. That's a down right miracle right there" he laughs, and I just roll my eyes. "Seriously though, that's really great. I'm glad to hear you're doing good. This girl... your tutor, do you like her?" "Yeah I mean she's really nice and funny. But I don't think of her as anything more than a friend" I assure him, twisting the phone cord around my finger. "Why not? Is she really weird looking? Like with huge glasses and hair that's completely knotted and curly? Curly Sue’s twin or something?" he asks. I laugh and sigh at the same time, content with Christian's  assumptions. "No. She's not ugly or anything..... at all actually. I just..........." but I have to stop, because really, I can't think of a reason why I wouldn't like her. She is pretty enough, and funny, and smart and nice. I just... it never occurred to me that I would have a crush on her. The minute I heard she was my tutor, I always thought of her as just that, or a friend apart from our sessions. But as a.... girlfriend? That sounded weird, almost unnatural. "That's what I thought. Come visit me sometime huh? I don't have anything to do and I.... I miss you" he hesitates, because showing his emotions was never really his strong suit. Kind of like my father, really the only thing they have in common. "Yeah sure. I'll do that Christian. Talk to you soon" I say, distracted by this new world that was just uncovered to me. "Promise Jess?" he asks, almost pleads. "Yeah I promise. Bye" I laugh, but it's not the right time. He's dead serious, and I feel a burst of pity for him. My parents would never go to see him other than on holidays, they are still too furious at him for screwing up his life. His mistake has almost made me fearful I'll do the same, that I'll follow in his footsteps and mess up my own somehow. But other that that...... April as my.... girlfriend? Nah.

                             December 5-8- April

          Something really weird happened to me today. I got a call coming from the jail. I started freaking out, but I was a little curious to see who was calling, so I answered. "Hello?" I asked in a nervous tone. "Hey. Is this April?" replies the voice, in a deep and husky tone. "Maybe. Who is this? And why are you calling me?!" I ask. The stranger gives a hearty laugh, and clicks his tongue. "Hi, my name is Christian, I am Jess's brother" he explains, and I feel my heart drop. "What? Is Jess okay? Did something happen to him?!" I cry, feeling my lip tremble. "No, not at all. Don't worry. I um..... I talked to him, and he mentioned you. Said you saved him, that you got him his first B in a while" he replies.  "Yeah, that might be true. But that still doesn't answer my question of why you are calling. How did you get my number anyway?" I inquired. Christian gives another laugh, but I don't find any humor. "Jess didn't say you were so demanding. I am calling because when we were talking, I was curious about something. I asked him if....." he begins, but I bring down the phone when I hear my father yell. "April? Who is that on the phone?" My mind starts racing because I know he wouldn't believe me if I told him a felon was calling. "No one Dad. Just someone who's trying to get me to subscribe to their magazine" I call back. "Listen Christian, I'm sorry but I have to go. My dad is..... bye" I quickly say, and quickly hang up the phone. All I hear is stuttering, and a desperate "wait!", but I ignore it, thinking I'll just ask Jess about it tomorrow, since that is our next class.

          I arrive 10 minutes late purposely the next day, to try and make it look like I was really busy. "Hi Jess. Sorry I'm late" I lamely apologize, but he just shrugs. "Not a big deal. Just 10 minutes less of studying right?! How are you?" he asks halfheartedly. "Fine. Actually, I'm not. I got a call from your brother yesterday" I begin, and Jess drops his glass of soda. It splatters on the floor, spraying my legs with bubbles and fizz. "Sorry I... He called you? Why?!" he cried, running to the kitchen to grab a towel. "Yeah. But I didn't hear him. My dad asked who was on the phone, and I hung up before he could finish. All I heard was that he asked you something. Do you have any idea why he was calling me?" I ask, partially nervous of the answer. Jess's eyes dart back and forth, and he quickly shakes his head. "No. No I don't know. I'll talk to him though, tell him not to call you again. Was he at all mean to you?" he asks protectively. I can't help but smile a little, and shake my head. "He didn't offend you at all, make you upset in any way?" Jess asks, and I give a little chuckle. "No, he was fine. Why are you so concerned?" I ask, and Jess just wrinkled his forehead defensively. "I'm... I'm not. I just want to make sure he didn't hurt..... so, did you see my English paper on the fridge? My mom is pretty proud of it. I think she's going to make copies and post them around town" he jokes awkwardly. I just laugh, confused. All I say is "Could I get a copy then?"

          The winter formal is even closer than it is in my last entry, and as the days left get smaller, the stress gets bigger. There are a lot of tests before winter break, so all the teachers are cramming in their last minute exams in the week before vacation. The dance is on the 22nd of December, and I still don't have a date, or a dress. I don't know who I'm going with, but all I know is that as of now, I AM going. It'll probably come down to it that I'll be forced to go alone, because I'm not even sure if I can work up the courage to ask anyone. But if I did, they would probably turn me down flat, thinking that I'm the new girl that nobody wants to be seen with. I am thinking about what type of dress I'd like to wear, and in my mind the picture is a red one with a halter and lace flowing on the bottom. But I have yet to actually go shopping and see what choices they have, so my perfect dress will probably only be real in my head. I don't have shoes either, but I know I have to wear heels. At 5"2, all the guys are at least 8 inches taller than me. All the girls I've ever known think it'd be so romantic to dance with a tall guy, with their arms flung around his neck, but actually, it's quite the opposite. It gives you a neck cramp, and your feet ache from having stepped on his the whole night. So now that I think about it, maybe it'd be a smarter move to go alone. Then I wouldn't have to dance with anyone, and I could just sit in the corner wallowing in my own self-pity. Gosh, the more I think about it, the more fun I realize it's going to be.

                   December 12-17- Jess

          The winter formal is in 11 short days, and I still do not have a date. I haven't actually asked anyone, but I have been asked. But before you throw a congratulations party for me, let me tell you by who. Ivy of course. It's somewhat stupid of you to think it would be anyone else actually. All the girls think I am with her only because of what lies she feeds them, so they would never have the guts to ask me themselves. Ivy would bury their heads in the ground, leaving their stunned faces imprinted in the dirt. And plus, I have a horrible time picking out the corsage. I can't tell the difference between magenta and red, or white and off-white. Usually I have my mother do it for me, but I have NEVER told anyone that.  If my date found out that, she would either laugh, gape in disbelief, or ignore it completely, covering it up with her fake upbeat conversation which really only consist of one person. The only thing I'm worse at is finding a tux. When I try to lace the tie, somehow my arm usually ends up in the middle. And the shoes always end up being too small, even though they measure perfectly in the store only the day before. So, after those traditional mistakes, I almost always end up wearing just a jacket and a dress shirt, occasionally to be unbuttoned a couple of buttons by Ivy. On the night of the dance I would either carpool with Jack in his father's corvette, or (not by choice) be driven by my mother in the station wagon. Her used tissues would fill the front seat floor, and she'd discard more by the minute, dabbing at her eyes. "Oh Jess! These dances always get me. You are such a young man now, going to these dances with girls and... oh I can just remember you when you were just learning to walk, and now.....!!!" she cries, looking at me in the back seat through the mirror. I just shift uncomfortably and glance at my watch desperately, hoping to be there already. But the ride, the outfit, even the corsage doesn't really matter. Those are all just details of the night, because what I really want is a nice time. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, but I'd prefer it to be at least a notch above dances in parking lots. Not too much to ask for, but it seems it never happens. Maybe it's the date, or fate. I don't know, but I am determined to make this one the best yet. Possibly even better than prom next year.

          A miracle has happened. It all started when I was in the market, glancing at the shelves, completely lost. I wasn't sure whether to get the mint toothpaste, or the minty. I mean one could be actual mint, while the other could be the essence of mint. Anyway, that's beside the point (but I picked minty by the way.) I glanced up at the the hanging signs, when I saw a sale on cotton balls. Curious for unknown reasons, I wandered over to that aisle to look at the white fluffs. I have NO idea why they have to create five different types of cotton balls, because it only confuses us guys. Well, I looked at the box of one intended for art projects, and then just a plain one. The plain one looked appealing enough, so I threw it in the basket, new thoughts rushing to my head by the second. At the check-out, a new girl was working there, and I was so excited by the recent idea, that I blurted out the start of a friendly conversation. "Hi. Nice day out huh?" I say, and she just looks up and nods uninterested. "I mean, it's cold, but other than that it's..... hey do you like snow?" I ask and a spark pops into her eyes. "Yeah. I used to get it all the time back home, and I really miss it here. Why?" she asks with a bit more flavor in her voice. "I don't know. Just making light conversation, and considering it IS winter, it seemed appropriate enough" I reply. Her face falls, and she returns her glance to the scanner. I guess she was disappointed by my answer, but I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I was honestly just making nice chitchat. "Thanks. Have a good day" I say when she hands me my bags, not only containing the boring items my mom wanted me to get like bread and carrots, but also a new inspiration.

                             December 18-22- April

          I FINALLY got my dress today. It's a really shiny silver, with a lace front and bottom hem, and flowing sleeves. It's super pretty, and the minute I saw it, I fell in love. Shoe wise...? Not so fortunate. I have like 7 pairs of shoes, but 4 of those are sneakers, 2 flip-flops, and 1 pair of really gawky and ugly heels my mom got me at this department store. They're a size too big, and they are pink with messy sequins that look like a five year old stuck them on. Basically, I'd choose flip-flops over them any day. I (being an organized person)  want to have everything I need and want planned out in separate columns. I need a hairstyle, and I'm thinking of a curled ponytail, or bun with a fake crystal headband. For jewelry, I'd like a simple pendant, nothing too fancy or dramatic, with dangly sparkle earrings.  Otherwise, I haven't done any serious planning I'll admit. Plus, I STILL do not have a date. I don't think as myself as desperate yet, I can muster up the courage and confidence to ask someone myself. From much of the locker room gossip, I discovered that most of the popular guys have dates, except for Jack. I don't even know him at all, so really there is no way I could ask him. And I'm not saying that I want a popular guy either. I'd probably be just as happy taking a nice, shy guy, that would be flattered to be asked for once. I just am tired of worrying all the time what's going to happen. I know for sure that no one is going to ask klutzy awkward me, and it's weighing on my self esteem. My mom always used to tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, and the most important opinion is your own. Really, in theory, that sounds perfectly sensible and relatively easy, but in reality, it's practically impossible. Just ignoring what everybody whispers and scribbles in their journal is almost like tuning out the whole world. I wonder if there is a girl somewhere in this world, who honestly does not have a paranoid bone in her whole body. If there is by some miracle, I'd really like to meet her. She may even become my new role model.

          One horrible thing about the holidays is that everybody gets all sentimental and nostalgic. It really makes me kind of nauseous when I see couples huddled together, their hands clutched to their chests, and smiles beaming bright in the crisp December sky. It’s probably jealousy that I have never had that and most likely never will. They giggle together, and look so happy, that I actually think they might have problem-less lives. Like they have always been without a worry, or they have never had a matter gnaw on their mind. They just stroll through parks and streets, pressed together and living for the moment. I never really had much enthusiasm about the holidays, maybe because my dad and I never do much. We sometimes go out caroling or he might bake something special, but usually we just have a few presents that hide under the tree's fresh smelling branches. I like to get my dad a book or a new ornament for the tree next year, simple stuff like that (this year a new pack of picks for his prized guitar) and he usually gets me about the same thing. The most extreme gift I ever got was the Christmas after my mother vanished, and trying to make up for the loss of the female parent, he got me a book about the birds and the bees. When I opened it, I remember feeling completely shocked and embarrassed. He purposely left the room at the time to "go make coffee" but I just bit my lip, and hid it under the couch cushion. I mean, really, how's a 9 year old supposed to react when they open such a gift? Go run up to her dad, hug him like mad, and squeal with happiness? Uh no.... I don't think so.

                             December 23-26-  Jess

          Tonight, the final result came. It was the day of the winter formal, possibly the biggest dance of the year. Everybody dressed their best, smothering on the cologne and reapplying the lipstick by the minute. I was more interested in my video game, at the highest level I've ever been before. My mom came in at 5:30, and leaned against the opening, crossing her arms, and wrinkling her forehead. "Jess.... honey" she began. "Yeah" I reply with no attention turning away from the game. "It's 5:30. The dance is in half an hour. Are you sure you don't want to be getting ready?" "Nah, I'm fine. I just need to throw on my clothes, and wet down my hair. 15 more minutes" I mutter, my eyes still fixated on the screen. If one interruption wasn't enough, the phone began ringing. I ignored it for 2 rings, and finally shouted exasperatedly at nobody "Pick up the phone!" Nobody didn't answer back. After 2 more persistent rings, I picked up and huffed "hello?" irritated. There was silence for a minute, and I was just about to hang up the phone when a little squeak erupted. "Hello?! Is anyone there?" I asked again, glancing back at my paused game, somehow afraid it would un-pause when I wasn't looking. "Yeah Jess, it's me. You know who me is right? I mean I am? Who I am" the voice stuttered.  I honestly had no clue, and I definitely wasn't planning on playing the guessing game. "No. I don't. Now, whoever you are, could you hurry this up? I'm a bit busy" I snapped, grabbing my controller, preparing to fall back into the game. There was another long pause, but finally the voice replied. "Never mind..... it.... it doesn't matter" the voice sounded hurt, offended. But it didn't concern me. I jerked the controller back and forth, until suddenly, there was a loud siren, and a low foghorn sound. "No. No!!!" I cried, smashing my head on the ground, and my fist in my lap. "How could this happen? I was doing so well!" I whined out loud. I picked myself up and turned off the tv. I'd have to start all over when I got home.

          I arrived at the dance with my date hanging off my arm. She smiled at everyone, giving a proud, arrogant wave. "Could you not do that? It's a little embarrassing" I mumbled under my breath. She looked caught off guard, and started pouting. "So basically what you're saying is that you're embarrassed of me? Is that it now Jess? Fine whatever. We're over!" she huffed, stomping into the hallway. "Olivia! We were never together!" I shouted after her, cupping my hands over my mouth for added enthusiasm. "Broken up again Jess? Wow, what is that, a daily affair now?" Jack added, as he joined me in walking to the concession stand. "Shut up man. It's not funny. That girl I swear......" Jack just chuckled, grabbing a drink. "Well, although it's not much to compare to, my date is preeeetttty fiiinnne if you know what I'm saying" he laughed, nudging my shoulder. I roll my eyes, not interested. "You say that about every girl who walks by you Jack. Who is it this time?" I play along for the sake of it. "I don't remember her name. She's a new girl, just moved here this year." My eyes fell to the floor, my hands flew to my pockets, and my breath lingered. "Is it.... Hayden?" I asked, putting her first in my words but not in my thoughts. "Yeah, I think that's her name. Dark blonde hair?" he asks, and I feel the lump rising in my throat shatter. I nod, and he nods back. "Yep that's her. She's not bad right?" he asks for my approval. I just shrug.

          On the dance floor, the heat is penetrating off people's bodies and into a whirlwind above our heads. My face is dripping with sweat, partly from my long-sleeved tux. Sure it's December, but in here, it feels like August. "I'll be right back" I shout over the loud music. Nobody seems to hear me or notice as I slip outside. The burst of cold air feels good on my hot face, and I settle down to slump my back to the wall. "You're warm too?" comes a voice. My head snaps around, not expecting to see anybody, let alone April. "Yeah, it's steaming in there. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight" I say honestly. She furrows her brow. "And what is THAT supposed to mean? I have a date you know!" she brags, heavy on the attitude again. "April, don't get mad. There's nothing to be mad about. I just meant that I didn't think you liked dances. That you were the type of girl that detested school supported events and stuff......" I explain, and the tense muscles in her face relax. "Wha .. wait... you have a date? Who?!" I demand, trying to sound casual.

"Doesn't matter. Sorry for getting all..." she doesn't finish her sentence but I understand what she wanted to say. "Hey, I don't want to upset you April, but would you mind leaving me alone for a bit? There is something I need to do."

                             December 23-24- April

          Life is incredible. Life is a miracle. I don't know what I did in my past life to deserve such an amazing night, but apparently, I did some heroic act, because what happened tonight was...... unbelievable. Literally. I had to pinch myself over and over again just to make sure my eyes were working right. When I stepped back outside, after the dancing was over and the punch bowl was sucked dry, I almost fainted. It was something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams. The school was covered in white powder, a thousand sparkles dazzling on each square inch. The path leading to the parking lot was dancing with pride, soft cotton balls smothered together, and hugging the ground. There were piles and piles of white, up to my knee almost, each decorated with tiny crystal balls, and their hooks grasping to the flimsy fiber. My legs immediately gave way, forcing me to plop to my knees, and be supported only by what appeared as..... snow. A few guys came out after me, and gave approving "whoa dudes" to each other. A few girls followed, and immediately started shrieking. Apparently their hairspray was cutting off oxygen to their brains, because they thought it was real, that's how good it looked. They squealed, picked up their legs, and started whining to each other. "Racheal! I'm going to get my heels all snowy!!" and "Tom, pick me up! I don't want my dress to drag in the snow!" I was too amazed to be entertained by their stupidity. Then, Jess came out. He didn't say anything at all, but just walked around, taking it all in. He nodded every now and then, gave a satisfied smile, and started walking to his car. When he saw me still attached to the ground, he rushed over. "April!!! Are you okay? What happened? Should I get someone?!?!" he cried, taking my elbow and hoisting me up. "Oh Jess, I'm fine. Thank you, I’m just overwhelmed is all. I just.... I'm so..." I stuttered, still in disbelief. "You like it?" he asked, actually sounding curious. "Like it? I love it! I more than love it, I....."  I started to laugh and cry at the same time. "I'm glad. It was hard" he revealed, and unconsciously, I grabbed his arm. "JESS! You did this? This amazing thing? This miracle?" I cried, and he just smiled slyly. "Yeah, I did. But don't tell anyone all right? I just want to...." he began, until Olivia started running down the path, dress trailing behind her. "Jess honey!" she began, immediately planting a huge kiss on his lips. He kind of pulled back a little bit, and I instantly felt embarrassed. I could have just walked away, but I didn't want to. I wanted to..... slap her. How rude is it to be talking in a conversation, and then just have someone invade it, and rudely butt in?! "When I saw those cotton balls and all that craft stuff in your car, I'll admit, I did think yo